(Closed) I’m ready to give up

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

because you’re unemployed, you and dh are super stressed, i’m sure. nothing you’ve explained sounds bad enough to end a marriage over.

what your mil does with her money is none of your business. as for her disparaging comments, IGNORE them. if you can’t, ask dh to speak up for you. he can tell her that you’re full speed ahead with the job search now that the wedding is over. and try to prove her wrong! send out 20 resumes a day, every day.

i know you said counseling isn’t an option, but are you and dh religious? if so, go to your place of worship and seek counseling. even if you’re not religious, they might be willing to give free counseling anyway – do some research. i’m sure there are non-religious discounted counseling programs available as well.

Post # 4
Member
14 posts
Newbee

@CaraMia10: I am so so so sorry because I have similar inlaw’s. Please understand that if your hubby is standing up for you, that is A VERY GOOD THING ! Don’t punish him for her sins. Try to breathe and remember you married HIM. You and him are a little family of your own now. Try not to let her ruin your marriage as your hubby loves you !

Post # 5
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think it’s important to delineate that your problem here is 99% with your Mother-In-Law. You may be frustrated with your husband, but it sounds like your major beef (and rightly so) is with her. I would accept that she’s not going to give you the money she promised for items for the wedding and move on. I think you need to have a frank conversation with Darling Husband that you’re not interested in talking about money with your Mother-In-Law, and that if she says something rude about you/money then not to pass the message along because it’s hurtful and frustrating. It sounds like you two need to take A LOT of space from Mother-In-Law and move on with building your life together rather than letting her rip you apart.

Post # 6
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@CaraMia10: Please don’t let this witch be the reason to end your marriage!  You NEED to find an affordable therapist.  There are definitely programs out there for people who need one but can’t afford one.  Try going by yourself at first, and get your issues off your chest to a person who has no investment in your relationship with your Darling Husband.  See what they have to say…

Post # 7
Member
5498 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think you both need to find a way to sit down with his Mom.

He says he stands up to her, but idk if that’s the case. You need to have the conversation with her, and he needs to make clear that your Mother-In-Law can’t alk to you that way. YOU are his family now.

why is insurace keeping you from counseling? Are you in school? Or is he? I know some college’s offer counseling for free.

Keep searching for a job! I’m sure once you find one some of your stress will go away and you can see things more clearly.

Post # 8
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree with PP.

 

I think if you just keep looking for a job, and maybe cut Mother-In-Law out of your life for a bit until you two have your feet back onthe ground things will get better. Right now at this very second you are upset, im sure you want a job as badly as you want to punch your mIL in the face Laughing. Take a break for awhile with just your husband. Find a job, get some stability and THEN talk to his mother….:) dont leave.

 

*hugs*

Post # 9
Member
14 posts
Newbee

@CaraMia10: As far as what Kitzy said about your Mother-In-Law and the way she spends her money and the fact that it’s not your business, I disagree. My In laws were able to buy a flat screen tv, redo their floors, buy an expensive camera, paint the house, etc but didn’t care to give their only son any wedding money? Or gift? I was totally pissed and still am ! So I understand about your Mother-In-Law wasting her money on gambling and crap that infuriates you.

Post # 10
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Coming from someone who has a mother with a mental disorder…it sounds like there may be something going  on with his mother. You said she gambles. My mother is a compulsive spender who always promises to pay for things and never follow through. Which is why, FIL’s paid for half of our wedding. Yes half. Maybe more. We paid for the other part of it and my mother bought the dress. The point I’m trying to make is that she is probably lashing out and saying those things about you because she can’t stop gambling. Is it acceptable? No. However, your ILs are part of your life when you get married, like it or not. My husband is often frustrated by the things my mother does, however we do not let it impact our relationship. I understand you’re upset, angry, and hurt. However, do you really want this to ruin your marriage? There are many difficult things that you will face as a married couple and unfortunatly, inlaws can be one of them. I encourage you to talk with your husband about how you are feeling and think through some ways to deal with your anger. It sounds like you don’t have to have much interaction with her, which is a good thing. It may not be the Mother-In-Law situation you’ve dreamed of, which is difficult  I know. My Mother-In-Law and I have a great relationship but my SIL and I do not and it’s tough sometimes. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk.

Post # 11
Member
4547 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@OrchidGal: I have to disagree. The OP has every right to be frustrated with the way her Mother-In-Law spends her money but ultimatly, it’s her MIL’s money and her choice how to spend it. My mother promised to pay for our wedding (luckily Darling Husband and I knew this wouldn’t end up happening and figured something else out) and she ended up buying a whole bunch of things she didn’t need and couldn’t afford. Right now she’s in debt up to her eyeballs and couldn’t afford to pay for the wedding. Do I have the right to feel frustrated with how she spends her money? Yes. Do I have the right to tell her how she should or shouldn’t spend it? Nope. It’s her money and she’s a grown adult who can spend it as she pleases.

Post # 12
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m not seeing what your husband has done that would be cause for ending your (very short) marriage.  Daughter in laws have been hating their mother in laws since the dawn of time.  You knew what she was like before you married him and you went through with the wedding anyway.  You need to take your vows seriously and not run away at the first sign of trouble.  The two of you are family now and need to be a united front.  Ignore your horrible Mother-In-Law and continue with your lives together.  Leaving him because of his mother would be reprehensible, outside of anything else he’s done.

Post # 13
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I understand that you’re really upset with his mother and that must be awful. 

From my own experience, when I was unemployed a year or two ago I had the worst time with my Fiance. Every problem I had was magnified. Why? B/c I had way too much time to think! I’m not trying to devalue what your Mother-In-Law has said or done but I think it’s really easy to think about it night and day when you days aren’t as full with work and wedding planing. 

Try to stay in the positive right now. Focus on ignoring her and continuing on with the job search. 

You say you love him and don’t want to punish him. I’m sure he loves you too and leaving him would be punishing him even more. 

Post # 14
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think your husband has done the right thing by shielding you from his mom’s crazy ranting and disrespectful comments. What you need to ask him to do is stop telling you every hurtful thing she has ever said.

Think of it this way: what do you care that she thinks you’re lazy and unemployed by choice? You know it’s not true, and your husband knows it’s not true. Your Mother-In-Law has serious issues, and your husband seems to understand that. It sounds like you have little direct contact with her. So why do you want a confrontation with her when it’s clear she’s off her rocker? Just forget about the wedding money–from everything you’ve said, that’s a losing battle to fight. Please stop thinking about this situation as one you want to “win.” Sometimes, letting it go and accepting that you cannot change someone else’s behavior *is* winning.

Post # 15
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

This is a tricky one.  I think that you both need some space from your Mother-In-Law.  Your husband needs to take a break, too.  And, in my opinion, if he’s going to continue to have a relationship with his mother, he needs to set clear boundaries.  Things like “if you say x and x about my wife I will leave or hang up the phone.”  He needs to draw a line for you.  It is not ok.  It is not ok for him to listen to someone badmouth you when you’re not there.  He is saying he stands up for you, and maybe he does…but my question is that, as a grown man, why is he even letting the discourse get that far.  You are his wife.  You are his family.  He chose to marry you. His mother will respect you to him.  Period.  If she does not, he will end the conversation/visit.

I second finding someone to speak to.  Pastors, local counselors, outreach centers are a couple of avenues to explore.  You two need to focus on each other, get your relationship straightened out, and then figure out where YOU TWO decide how your Mother-In-Law fits into the picture.

 

Post # 16
Member
295 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

You need to just stay away from his family, no matter how hard it is.  I’ve been there, and guess what, you’re the only one loosing sleep over this.  So what if she doesn’t like you not working, that’s between you and hubby.  Th less that is shared with her the better you will be.  By giving up you are letting her win and punishing the man you love for something that isnt his fault.

Talk to hubby and decide that to stop contact and work on your relationship.  Things will get better…remember your vows thru good and bad, so don’t let someone else take your joy!

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