Post # 1
Long story – but my fiance has an old school friend W. W’s girlfriend is J. We have a group of friends in common. J and W got engaged about a month/6 weeks before we did, but we made all our plans before they did and announced to our friends that we were getting married on this date and at this place. About a week later, J and W announced they were getting married two weeks before us at the same place. A mutual friend A, after a long search on my part, recommended a dressmaker to me who I decided to go with. A few weeks later J contacted me, asking for my dressmaker’s contact details as A had also recommended them to her. Stupidly, I told J who was doing our music and flowers and now she is also having the same people.
My Fiance and I searched long and hard for a suitable celebrant as we did not want to get married by anyone. A recommended a family friend who my Fiance had met previously. We met her and liked her and decided to go with her. I’ve just had an e-mail from J asking for HER contact details!!!!!
I’m really, really cross!! But what can I do? My plan at the moment is just to ignore her e-mail though she can still get the details through A. J is too self-involved to realise I might not want her to use the same everything as me! Am I being a b*tch?
Post # 3
Honestly, the first thing that I think of is that J is lazy. She’s riding your coat tails and swooping up all your hard work and good finds for herself. (Which is too bad for J, she’s missing all the fun of wedding planning!) . . . You’re doing all the work to plan a wedding and she’s reaping the benefits.
Going forward I’d just keep your plans a secret from J, and unfortunately it sounds like you need to keep it secret from A also. Maybe reply to them, and others if needed, when asked questions or for information "it’s still on the list of to do’s, I haven’t gotten to that yet; what are you doing?" and then make sure you don’t do what J does.
Maybe she genuinely likes your taste and style, which is flattering indeed, but I would be cross too because you want your event to be unique and special and memorable for your guests. Especially with the short period of time between the two.
Just a thought ~ maybe it’s not too late to change a few little details that she is copying to make your ceremony and event different? Don’t tell her what kind of flowers you are having, or your music play list, don’t give her your dress details or what bridesmaid dresses you pick, etc . . .
Post # 4
I used to have people copy off of my tests in High School. No matter what I’d say, they’d still do it. So after a while, I started to write down the wrong answers… and then after they copied it and turned in their tests, I’d change it back to something else.
I’d definitely be upset if one of my friends did something like you described. Would it be inappropriate to ask her if she thinks it’d be strange that so many guests will be seeing the same wedding a few weeks apart?
Post # 5
Sounds like an old roommate of mine. She used to copy everything I did, buy things I bought (clothing, food, etc), took up the same hobbies, etc. It quickly got old!
So I started lying about things. Instead of shopping at my regular stores, I started shopping at places such as White House Black Market. I knew she couldn’t afford to do a lot of shopping there.
And the sad thing is, when I started dating my fiance, she all of the sudden had to find a man quickly. She lied to friends of mine trying to find out more information on our church just so she could scope out the guy scene. She even went so far as to find a sketch guy on craigslist just so she’d have someone. She felt like since I was dating a doctor, she had to do even better. This craigslist guy claimed to be going to law school, when he was simply just a loser.
As for advice. LIE LIE LIE LIE LIE. I know that sounds bad, but sometimes you have to in order to protect yourself. And don’t share your info with A either. Tell them you want to keep everything a big secret for the day so everyone will be suprised.
Post # 6
just be vague. most likely she just wants someone to help her… maybe she doesnt have a lot of people to talk about the wedding with or her Fiance isnt helpful. but it seems like she has crossed the line from getting advice from a put-together bride and instead is copying someones entire wedding. so if she asks who you’re using for a vendor, say you haven’t decided yet, or that you’re looking at ____ website to get references. if you’re feeling really nice, maybe point out a few blogs you’ve found helpful or if youre close enough, go out to lunch or do research together one day. eventually she will have to pick someone on her own since her wedding is before yours. it’s bad karma to lie, so just be vague!
Post # 7
since you’re on weddingbee, i’m guessing that you want to/like to a) personalize your wedding, and b) diy. i think that’s your way to differentiate the two weddings! if you concentrate on the details and making your wedding your own through the little things, there’s no way she can copy that. and besides, that’s what people remember anyway. good luck!
Post # 8
suggest to her to PLAN HER OWN WEDDING! seriously though – tell her that you feel like she is taking all your ideas and you would prefer that she found someone else to marry them.
Post # 9
That is very frustrating. I would be annoyed as well. I think I would stop telling A and J about any wedding details you’ve planned and don’t use any more suggestions from A, since apparently A is suggesting all the same vendors to J. The suggestion to say "that is still on my to-do list, I haven’t done it yet" is a good way out of giving her the information.
But as irritating as it is, in the end, what you really want is a personalized wedding that hasn’t been copied by someone else. So take a deep breath, and realize that sharing the same florist does not mean having the same flowers. If you think J is going to copy your flowers, ask your florist what flowers she’s having and just plan something completely different. Use different colours and styles. Even if they won’t tell you, J’s wedding is before yours, so you can get a good look and make any necessary changes accordingly. Ditto for the music – pick a different playlist. Is it a music company with several different bands or DJ’s? If so can you switch to a different performer without forfeiting your deposit? Also the suggestion to DIY is a great one. There’s no way she can copy THAT.
Post # 10
I would be extremely annoyed if I were in your situation. It’s a lot of work, research, and time to plan a wedding, and to have a lazy bride just come in and use all of your ideas and contacts is frustrating. The good thing about being a bride is that it is one of the only times in life where you can really be "all about yourself" and not be considered a selfish b****! You wouldn’t be out of line to be honest and let them know that you don’t want to share your specific information with them, this day is specific and personal for you and your Fiance and you have tailored it accordingly. Maybe you can point them in a general direction, but don’t hand over everything to them. Let them put together their own details!
Post # 11
OMG! SWF! I had a friend like that in college who seriously sucked the life out of me that way. You are just being the unique you you only know how to be…happy and excited to help by lending a helping hand than WHAMMO next thing you know she is dressing like you, wearing the same make up and than she gets her haircut like yours USING a picture of you as a model! Yeah…That’s what happened to me…my friends all picked up on it and started mistaking her for me! I know that people like to say that imitation is the highest form of flatter but personally its irritating! Like you I pride myself on being unique and yes we all are in a way getting great ideas off this board, and "copying" ideas but when they are repeatative and quite apparent than that will raise a red flag.
My suggestion, stay busy! If you are too busy to answer any questions or supply her with any information than she can’t take what’s already your ideas. Plus I’m sure she will start getting the hint. If not, than you might want to ask your vendors and your friend to not give out your wedding ideas to her. In the meantime, this board has so many wonderful creative ideas that can definitely set your wedding apart from hers. It sounds like she is one who doesn’t likes to do the leg work and she is missing out on all the fun!
I really hope that this helps you and good luck.
Post # 12
I’ve deleted her e-mail and will ignore it. If she e-mails again or asks me directly, then I think I’ll go with your suggestion Mr Bee! Thanks to everyone for their support!