Post # 1
First let me premise this by saying, Please don’t bash me for my beliefs. I am truly looking for constructive advice here. Also, there is going to be some major Too Much Information in this post…just forwarning. lol.
Okay, my husband and I don’t fight. We just don’t. Even if we have a minor disagreement, we talk it out and five minutes later we are great. However, after a fight this weekend, I don’t know how to fully get over it.
I realize not everyone agrees with me, but I do not think porn has a place in a healthy/sexual relationship. I grew up in a very religious culture and porn is really frowned upon. However, I will fully admit there were times in my single life where I looked at porn. I am not saying I have a problem with porn itself. I just have a problem when it interferes in the sex life of a couple.
I made this belief very clear from the very beginning of our relationship. My guy agreed and said I was more important than porn. On top of that, we have a great sexual relationship. Typically 6-8 times per week (sorry TMI!)
The other night, I used his computer for something and found a link to a porn site. I confronted him about it because it obviously hurt me and he tried telling me that he goes to the site because it has funny joke links on it, which is does. But that is clearly not the main point of the site. He said he doesn’t even look at the naked girls and images around the site. Ummmm what??? Looking at this site, I don’t see how it is possible NOT to see them…
He has lied about looking at porn before and denied it until I showed him his computer history proving it. Part of me feels like he is lying again and I am having a hard time getting over it.
Any advice on what I can do to get over this??
Post # 3
I’m so sorry. I wish I could help you. Unfortunately, I’m one of those women who don’t have that problem but there are a lot of women on the bee that can help you. I do have some questions though, do you think his watching porn has interred with your sex life? Did you notice a difference? If you didn’t look at his computer history, would you have suspected anything? Is it the porn or the lying about it that is getting to you?
Post # 4
Well, first of all, has this really affected your relationship or your sex life–ie, did you notice him not having sex with you or behaving distant or different otherwise?
Post # 5
do you really believe that porn is interfering with your sex life? is he choosing porn over you? do you always say yes when he makes a move?
while i understand your way of thinking, i think porn can have a very healthy place in a relationship. i don’t always want to have sex as frequently as fi does, so i think porn can be helpful.
Post # 6
He probably lied to get out of it because he knows that porn upsets you. But when you showed him proof, he got stuck in a corner. It sounds like you guys have a very healthy sex life but you can’t control what he looks on the internet. It also would be unfair to ask him to come clean when he looks at porn. I know it’s not the same thing but what if he asked you to stop looking at wedding porn? Unless he is looking at porn and beating off more and more and your sex life slowly diminishes, I wouldn’t worry about it. Get him a Maxim magazine. The women are wearing more clothes and there are no videos and he will still get the funny articles.
Post # 7
To follow up with some of your questions, I have seen porn interfere with our sex life in the past and that was how I figured out what was going on. Normally we are both really sexually active, but a few times I noticed his interest declining. That was was tipped me off. So this is big Too Much Information, but I am a VERY sexually active person. I always have been. Typcially I want it more than he does and is generally almost always the first one to initiate sexual contact between us. I have never once said no to his sexual advances.
Basically I think I am hurt mostly because of the lying. I went into this relationship thinking that porn wasn’t going to be an issue. And now it is. Honestly, I wouldn’t care if it didn’t disrupt OUR sex life, but it does. Because he isn’t able to perform later if he has already done it, which leaves me hanging. Granted, maybe this is a selfish way to look at it. But it’s how I feel. It makes me feel rejected and I hate that feeling.
And lying is not okay. We had dealt with the issue about 6 months prior to our marriage, and I really believed him when he said it wasn’t going to be a problem anymore.
Our relationship is sooo amazing otherwise, so I feel bad even saying that I am disapointed with my husband, but I guess because he is such an amazing guy, I expect better from him.
Post # 8
Maybe instead of just saying that you don’t like it when he watches porn you could list some examples of why it hurts you. I have a friend who was in this same situation and at first I had trouble relating because I don’t have a problem with my Fiance watching porn. She explained to me that it made her feel insecure because she wasn’t as thin as the girls he was looking at and she was worried that he wouldn’t thnk she was as beautiful compared to them. She ended up explaining to him how she felt and he fully understood. Your husband may just not get why you think it’s a big deal.
Post # 9
So, this might be a way off base suggestion b/c I saw that you don’t think porn should be in a relationship at all, but would you be open to watching porn together? Totally cool if you’re not, but it could be something that he can get his “fix” from but not interrupt your sex life!
Post # 10
I think that I’ll deal with the porn issue first. I’m not trying to challenge you on your beliefs about porn in that I’m not saying you have to like porn, but I do detect that you’ve gotten it into your head that it’s you versus porn and unless your Darling Husband has/had a porn addiction, that’s not reality (if he HAS had a porn addiction, that’s a whole separate issue that requires therapy). A person’s relationship to porn (and to fantasy) is complex and for most, it’s actually a tool to augment, not threaten one’s sex life. I say this because I think that in this case you are projecting your hang-ups about porn onto Darling Husband in a way that might not allow him to engage in what are (generally speaking) healthy sexual practices. You feel rejected not because he’s literally rejecting you (because I sincerely doubt he prefers porn to you!), but because that’s the way you’ve chosen to view the situation. I hope I’ve articulated that okay.
The other thing that you said which I want to point out is: “he isn’t able to perform later if he has already done it, which leaves me hanging.” It IS a bit selfish. I mean, it’s sort of a high demand that your husband be up and ready to go whenever you are. But it’s also a fairly narrow-minded way to think about sex because there are a LOT of other ways for him to get you off besides penetration. And what you are articulating there is not so much a problem with porn per se, but a problem with masturbation. And I gotta tell you, restricting someone from doing that IS selfish–I would be offended and unhappy if my Darling Husband told me I couldn’t! Which sort of brings me to the other point which is…why can’t you get yourself off? I mean, obviously that’s not a fair solution if you had to do it all the time, but it’s also not fair that you demand your husband perform all the time.
The lying isn’t cool, I agree, but I think that you have to sit down and talk about this more reasonably because I sense that the reality may be that he is going to watch porn on occasion. Period. And you can either lay down the law and suffer him lying to you, or try to change your mindset a little and he’ll be more open about it.
Post # 11
What exactly do you not like about porn? Forget for a minute the fact that your Darling Husband lied about it. Is it ONLY because you want Darling Husband all to yourself (like no action on his own?). If you used to watch it and generally think it’s OK, then why not in a marriage? Just something to think about. I mean I understand if it’s an addiction it’s a problem, but it doesn’t seem like that’s the case. And instead of focusing on getting your Darling Husband to STOP, maybe you should think harder about WHY you don’t like it and the possibility of some kind of compromise.
While I don’t watch it myself, it’s never bothered me. I view strip clubs and porn (in moderation) just normal guy activity. As long as it isn’t affecting your sex life and like I said practiced in moderation I just feel like it’s not worth getting upset over.
Post # 12
Thank you all so much for your help with this. I really appreciate all of your insight. I realize it is kind of hard to base your advice with what I have given you. Because it’s not like I can go off on every detail here. But to clarify a few points that JennyW1 brought up. I am not trying to say that he cannot get off without me. That would be very weird and hypocritical considering there are occassions where I do so as well. And honestly, if the porn thing were a once in a while thing when neither one of us has been able to be intimate or I’ve been gone or something then I wouldn’t care.
But I don’t like that it has caused problems for us sexualy in the past. And it’s not even that he wasn’t able to perform later. There were times where he straight up couldn’t do it for days at a time after watching porn consistently for a few weeks. Like he was not able to get aroused or anything. That hurt. That is what made me feel rejected. It was like he was not able to get horny by just me alone. He had to have porn in front of him to get aroused. That was really upsetting. And its not like I am unattractive or that I don’t like to do fun stuff in bed.
I have gone to counseling for this because I thought maybe I was just being insecure. However, both therapists I went to backed me up with how I felt about it. They agreed it had gotten to the point where it wasn’t just your typical sexual release anymore.
I asked my guy to go to counseling with me but he didn’t want to go and he promised me that he wouldn’t do it anymore. That was about 6 months ago and I didn’t think it was going to be an issue anymore.
I am not trying to say there is something wrong with people who are okay with porn in their relationships or that it is a bad thing to do. I just am not okay with it literally getting in the way of my relationship. Because the resentment leads to issues outside the bedroom and I am not okay with that.
Post # 13
i agree with a pp — try watching porn together. if your sex drive is much greater than your husband’s, invest in a good vibrator.
Post # 14
I preface this by saying I am NOT a doctor or psychologist. I am a stranger on the Internet.
“There were times where he straight up couldn’t do it for days at a time after watching porn consistently for a few weeks. Like he was not able to get aroused or anything.”
That does suggest a possible porn addiction. And now that you’ve explained that, some of the feelings that you are having are common among women who’s SOs have been addicted to porn (my friend’s ex-FI is what I’m basing this on). I encourage you to make your guy get help, although if it is an addiction, it’ll be difficult because like any other addiction, the person with it can be really reluctant to seek help. But please talk about this with a professional because you should try to feret out whether it’s a true problem or not because if it is, it’s the sort of thing that left untreated, can really terribly affect your life–not just emotionally and sexually, but financially as well.
Post # 15
Awww, I just want to send you hugs. I don’t know that I have any advice for you, but I do understand what you are saying and I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable.
From what I’m reading, he is using porn enough that it is interfering with the intimacy between the two of you, he is aware that this is a problem, yet he continues to do so and lies about it when he gets caught. However, it seems that otherwise the two of you have a very good relationship and are able to sort out any differences that come up.
I really wish I had something more constructive to tell you. It may be that he is misinterpreting your distaste for porn and feels controlled..and the more he isn’t supposed to use it, the more he wants to. Maybe your best approach is to explain to him how it affects you..not that you are anti him watching porn, but that you are pro intimacy between you two. It sounds like he is othewise reasonable and considerate of your feelings. Maybe if he had a better understanding of how his actions are affecting you, how hurt and rejected it makes you feel, how it is putting distance between you, he might see it differently. You can’t make him quit, but you might be able to make him want to quit — because he sees how it is hurting you (and ultimately, the relationship).
Post # 16
Thanks, Jenny…I agree. I think it might just be time we both sit down with a professional and get to the root of everything. We are just recently married and this is literally the only major issue we’ve ever had. I would hate for this to destroy our marriage before it has truly begun.
And thanks again to the other posters. Regarding the idea of watching it together, I have suggested that many many times with him and he always tells me no because he thinks it will be too awkward. But I definitely have the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” mentality when it comes to this, but he doesn’t see it that way I guess…