(Closed) I’m really hurt, how do I get over it? (TMI!!)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so sorry. I wish I could help you. Unfortunately, I’m one of those women who don’t have that problem but there are a lot of women on the bee that can help you. I do have some questions though, do you think his watching porn has interred with your sex life? Did you notice a difference? If you didn’t look at his computer history, would you have suspected anything? Is it the porn or the lying about it that is getting to you?

Post # 4
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

Well, first of all, has this really affected your relationship or your sex life–ie, did you notice him not having sex with you or behaving distant or different otherwise?

Post # 5
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

do you really believe that porn is interfering with your sex life? is he choosing porn over you? do you always say yes when he makes a move?

while i understand your way of thinking, i think porn can have a very healthy place in a relationship. i don’t always want to have sex as frequently as fi does, so i think porn can be helpful.

Post # 6
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

He probably lied to get out of it because he knows that porn upsets you. But when you showed him proof, he got stuck in a corner. It sounds like you guys have a very healthy sex life but you can’t control what he looks on the internet. It also would be unfair to ask him to come clean when he looks at porn. I know it’s not the same thing but what if he asked you to stop looking at wedding porn? Unless he is looking at porn and beating off more and more and your sex life slowly diminishes, I wouldn’t worry about it. Get him a Maxim magazine. The women are wearing more clothes and there are no videos and he will still get the funny articles.

Post # 8
Member
110 posts
Blushing bee

Maybe instead of just saying that you don’t like it when he watches porn you could list some examples of why it hurts you.  I have a friend who was in this same situation and at first I had trouble relating because I don’t have a problem with my Fiance watching porn.  She explained to me that it made her feel insecure because she wasn’t as thin as the girls he was looking at and she was worried that he wouldn’t thnk she was as beautiful compared to them.  She ended up explaining to him how she felt and he fully understood.  Your husband may just not get why you think it’s a big deal.

Post # 9
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

So, this might be a way off base suggestion b/c I saw that you don’t think porn should be in a relationship at all, but would you be open to watching porn together? Totally cool if you’re not, but it could be something that he can get his “fix” from but not interrupt your sex life!

Post # 10
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think that I’ll deal with the porn issue first. I’m not trying to challenge you on your beliefs about porn in that I’m not saying you have to like porn, but I do detect that you’ve gotten it into your head that it’s you versus porn and unless your Darling Husband has/had a porn addiction, that’s not reality (if he HAS had a porn addiction, that’s a whole separate issue that requires therapy). A person’s relationship to porn (and to fantasy) is complex and for most, it’s actually a tool to augment, not threaten one’s sex life. I say this because I think that in this case you are projecting your hang-ups about porn onto Darling Husband in a way that might not allow him to engage in what are (generally speaking) healthy sexual practices. You feel rejected not because he’s literally rejecting you (because I sincerely doubt he prefers porn to you!), but because that’s the way you’ve chosen to view the situation. I hope I’ve articulated that okay.

The other thing that you said which I want to point out is: “he isn’t able to perform later if he has already done it, which leaves me hanging.” It IS a bit selfish. I mean, it’s sort of a high demand that your husband be up and ready to go whenever you are. But it’s also a fairly narrow-minded way to think about sex because there are a LOT of other ways for him to get you off besides penetration. And what you are articulating there is not so much a problem with porn per se, but a problem with masturbation. And I gotta tell you, restricting someone from doing that IS selfish–I would be offended and unhappy if my Darling Husband told me I couldn’t! Which sort of brings me to the other point which is…why can’t you get yourself off? I mean, obviously that’s not a fair solution if you had to do it all the time, but it’s also not fair that you demand your husband perform all the time.

The lying isn’t cool, I agree, but I think that you have to sit down and talk about this more reasonably because I sense that the reality may be that he is going to watch porn on occasion. Period. And you can either lay down the law and suffer him lying to you, or try to change your mindset a little and he’ll be more open about it.

Post # 11
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

What exactly do you not like about porn? Forget for a minute the fact that your Darling Husband lied about it. Is it ONLY because you want Darling Husband all to yourself (like no action on his own?). If you used to watch it and generally think it’s OK, then why not in a marriage? Just something to think about. I mean I understand if it’s an addiction it’s a problem, but it doesn’t seem like that’s the case. And instead of focusing on getting your Darling Husband to STOP, maybe you should think harder about WHY you don’t like it and the possibility of some kind of compromise.

While I don’t watch it myself, it’s never bothered me. I view strip clubs and porn (in moderation) just normal guy activity. As long as it isn’t affecting your sex life and like I said practiced in moderation I just feel like it’s not worth getting upset over.

 

Post # 13
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i agree with a pp — try watching porn together. if your sex drive is much greater than your husband’s, invest in a good vibrator.

Post # 14
Member
1872 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I preface this by saying I am NOT a doctor or psychologist. I am a stranger on the Internet.

BUT

There were times where he straight up couldn’t do it for days at a time after watching porn consistently for a few weeks. Like he was not able to get aroused or anything.”

That does suggest a possible porn addiction. And now that you’ve explained that, some of the feelings that you are having are common among women who’s SOs have been addicted to porn (my friend’s ex-FI is what I’m basing this on). I encourage you to make your guy get help, although if it is an addiction, it’ll be difficult because like any other addiction, the person with it can be really reluctant to seek help. But please talk about this with a professional because you should try to feret out whether it’s a true problem or not because if it is, it’s the sort of thing that left untreated, can really terribly affect your life–not just emotionally and sexually, but financially as well.

 

Post # 15
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Awww, I just want to send you hugs.  I don’t know that I have any advice for you, but I do understand what you are saying and I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable.

From what I’m reading, he is using porn enough that it is interfering with the intimacy between the two of you, he is aware that this is a problem, yet he continues to do so and lies about it when he gets caught.   However, it seems that otherwise the two of you have a very good relationship and are able to sort out any differences that come up.

I really wish I had something more constructive to tell you.  It may be that he is misinterpreting your distaste for porn and feels controlled..and the more he isn’t supposed to use it, the more he wants to.  Maybe your best approach is to explain to him how it affects you..not that you are anti him watching porn, but that you are pro intimacy between you two.  It sounds like he is othewise reasonable and considerate of your feelings.  Maybe if he had a better understanding of how his actions are affecting you, how hurt and rejected it makes you feel, how it is putting distance between you, he might see it differently.  You can’t make him quit, but you might be able to make him want to quit — because he sees how it is hurting you (and ultimately, the relationship).

 

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