(Closed) I'm really mad, but should I be really mad?

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@RipleyC:  I can appreciate your frustration, however, its not like after 15 years of your FIL nursing this level of resentment and anger you’re suddenly going to say something that gives him an epiphany and he suddenly gets that not everything is about him and “the divorce.” 

So, my advise would be to just let it go because to do otherwise isn’t going to be productive – you’re not going to get the result you want (unless you just want drama and a huge blowout argument).

If he gets upset about your vowel renewal again, I’d just tell him calmly that you’re sorry he won’t be there and that he will be missed but you respect his decision. 

Good luck!  

Post # 4
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would bring it up in a neutral, non-accusatory way (IOW, not by saying “We’re still pissed at the shitty stuff you said to us”), because I think it’s better not to let stuff like this fester. It just builds resentment and ends up blowing up later. But ultimately this is your husband’s father, and your husband should handle the relationship as he sees fit, within reason. If he wants to let it go, then it’s kind of his call.

Post # 5
Member
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

i would suggest saying something along the lines of ‘we’re so glad to hear from you – the last conversation we had with you was very shocking and upsetting to us – i hope that from this point forward we can focus on having a good relationship and leave the animosity you have for Mother-In-Law and her husband out of our conversations.’

im my opinion allowing his behaviour to go unanswered is condoning it and telling him that you will put up with that garbage in the future – that won’t improve your relationship any. so i’d calmly let him know how hurt you were that he chose to make your vow renewal about him and let him know that from now on his hatred for his ex wife is not a topic for discussion.

Post # 7
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

A whole COUNTRY is off-limits because of some bad feelings your Father-In-Law has about there?

 

That is utterly preposterous and juvenile and so self-aggrandizing. I think your Darling Husband is right, shrug it off and write it off.  You’re not going to cure that level of self involvement.

Post # 8
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

@RipleyC:  If this was your own family, I would definitely say something but since its your husbands’ I would let him deal with it. I can definitely relate to the feelings of anger and frustration though because my own father did horrible things to me and pretends nothing happened,  denies it and then tells people I’m crazy. I haven’t spoken him in 12 years and he still tells friends and family that he sees me and everything is fine. It makes me livid, but in reality he knows what he did and he knows nothing will ever be okay again so his charade is just stupid. Your Father-In-Law probably knows too so I would subtlety keep my distance from him and just walk away or give the phone to your husband if he ever does something like that again. That way you’re still respecting your husband’s wishes but not letting him abuse you. 

 

 

 

 

Post # 9
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Families deal with conflict in different ways. Yes, it can be frustrating. In your case, his dad has already moved on and isn’t going to want to talk about it or apologize. (My family is like this too, we all get mad at each other, but eventually we all forgive, but never have long convrsations about it). We just move on.

 

FH’s family, on the other hand, beats issues to death and seemingly endlessly talks about their  feelings. This usually stirs uo more bad feelings, though.

 

Neither aporoach is really correct or right, just different. I’d let FH handle this one. Perhaps his dad’s way of apologizing is calling and acting like nothing happened.

 

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