(Closed) I’m really upset, and I need some advice. BM/BFF totally leaving me out…

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
314 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I completely understand — on several different levels — why you’re feeling hurt. Your BF’s behavior doesn’t sound quite right, so I bet there’s something going on that you need to address sooner than later. Not in a confrontational way, though. If she’s truly the friend you say she is, then difficult as it may be, you need to talk to her and clear the air.

Tell her that you’ve picked up on FB that her wedding planning is underway and you’re surprised and frankly rather insulted that she hasn’t invited you to share this experience with her. As her best friend. you WANT to be there for her just as she has been for you (assuming that’s the case?). Ask her in no uncertain terms if she’s deliberately excluding you, and if so, why?

I don’t think there’s any easy way around the Bridesmaid or Best Man issue. You can’t ask to be one and you can’t demand to be one, but in the course of the rest of your conversation you can politely ask whom she’s chosen. It will give her an open door, if she chooses to take it, to explain why she didn’t ask you. But are you sure she might not still ask you?

One thought I had is she may sense that you are planning to go a more traditional route with your own wedding. She may not want to get “sucked into” wedding mania, and is concerned that one of you will influence the other too heavily. Maybe she just wants to do this in her own way without too many cooks in the kitchen. I don’t know how to read this exactly, but talking it out with her will give you some peace at least.

Just let me stress: This is your BFF so try to give her the benefit of the doubt. Be honest about your feelings, but communicate what you need to with calm and love towards her. I promise you you’ll get a better response.

Post # 4
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Hey girl — what a stinky situation to be in!! Do you think she overlooked you on invites, or just being a BM?

One of my closest friends is planning her wedding right now too (we’ve got similar time lines in mind) and we’re actually kind of avoiding talking too much about planning. It’s too hard to share ideas without wanting to steal them. πŸ™‚ Of course, once in a while we do send each other things we think the other would like, stuff we personally don’t want to use (i.e. I sent her a link to preserved orchids for sale, since I know she wants to do an orchid theme since orchids have all this symbolism for them as a couple). It’s also really hard for her, I think, because she’s been waiting to get engaged for YEARS, and my guy and I have been talking marriage as long as we’ve been together (old friends… new love! why wait?).

I guess what I’m trying to say is, maybe your friend has a (misguided) reason for thinking she shouldn’t talk to you about wedding stuff? Her ‘anti bride’ comment makes me wonder if she’s afraid talking to another bride (even one she cares a lot about) will make her feel pressured to do too much ‘traditional’ stuff in regards to the wedding? Or maybe she decided not to ask you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man (you DO have a lot on your plate iwth your own wedding!) and is scared you’ll be upset, so is avoiding you.

I’m sorry this is such a hard place to be πŸ™ πŸ™ πŸ™ Maybe you could ask her about it though? I can’t believe she wants to be hurting you — why would she agree to be in your wedding if she didn’t like you THAT much? Plus she’s your BFF!

Hope it gets better – I’ll be thinking of you. Keep us updated.

Post # 5
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011


That completely SUCKS!!

I thought i was finding it hard enough because 3 of my close friends are bridesmaids for a girl that they went to school with who i have only met a few times!

I agree, give her a chance to explain!

Post # 6
1956 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Tannery Pond at the Darrow School

Aw, fifty, I’m sorry!!! It definitely SUCKS to be left out and it’s doubly hurtful that you asked her to be a bridesmaid and she has not (so far) returned the favor.  I think (like most of the posters here) that it’s time for a heart-to-heart to find out why she has not been more inclusive with you about the wedding planning.

Honestly, my gut reaction is that for whatever reason, she’s not asking you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and therefore avoiding wedding talk in general as a way to escape an uncomfortable convo about WHY you’re not a bridesmaid.  Which sucks, she should grow up and deal with the issue in a mature, adult way by taking the time to tell you why and then figure out another way to include you in the wedding.  

I really hope you guys can work it out without the friendship suffering, but it’s not an easy thing to do.  Good luck, keep us posted!

Post # 7
2641 posts
Sugar bee

So sorry.  I’m kind of thinking the same way as rungurl10.   But maybe with your wedding, she thought she was doing you a favor by not burdening you with a Bridesmaid or Best Man gig?

I would try to just clear the air with her.  Maybe there is a good rason for not asking you, ifthat’s the case.  Maybe she is just having one or two BMs.  You are right not to specifically ask to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  But maybe you can be really honest and just say something like,

“Gee Annie, you don’t seem to want to talk about the wedding with me.  I was hoping I could get some feedback since you’re my Bridesmaid or Best Man.  And since we’re planning our weddings at the same time, I was hoping that you would share some of your planning with me.   I’m kind of wondering if you’re avoiding it all because you’re not planning on making me a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  I might be a little disappointed, but I understand you can’t please everyone.  I think more important than being a Bridesmaid or Best Man is that things aren’t weird between us.  …….”

Good luck.  Keep us posted.

Post # 8
674 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Aaww fiftyfoot I want to drive down there and give you a big hug!

I understand why you’d be upset. Ok fine don’t ask you to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but it’s a whole other thing for her to be all shady about it. She should atleast be out in the open about it with you because she’s only going to make you feel worse by acting like she doesn’t want you to know anything. I want to go kick her in the shins for being such a butt to you. πŸ™‚

As for advice…I think it’s best to hack it out now with her before it progresses on and on in the emotional pressure cooker and you guys get more stressed with your weddings as time goes on and then you say something once you’re fed up and boom! Pressure cooker top goes flying. Just tell her you would be a little sad but you understand if she doesn’t want you in her wedding but you would feel better if, and rather she not ignore you and talk to you. Ask her why she’s being secretive about the wedding with you, (I get why she’d be secretive to the general public) tell her you have you’re own ideas and wouldn’t copy hers.


Post # 9
898 posts
Busy bee

So sorry you’re having to deal with this. πŸ™  *hugs*

You should definately just approach her and let her know you have seen that she’s planning and you would love to help her in any way possible. I’m sure you could also let her know that you’re hurt that you’ve been left out. Not being invited to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man is one thing, but being shut out is especially hurtful.

I hope that you two are able to communicate about this and patch it up. πŸ™‚

Post # 10
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Maybe she just has one bridesmaid?  Just ask her directly!  You are BFFs after all.  I think that when someone’s wedding is so different from your own, it’s hard to picture, especially during the planning.  Also, since you have 3k miles between you, chances are she might not want to burden you with planning details.  I feel that way about my girls, too.  If I knew they felt left out, I’d work on fixing things.  She probably doesn’t know.

Post # 11
990 posts
Busy bee

*hugs* If I were you, I’d definitely just come out an ask her directly. No sense in stressing yourself out about it all and no sense in making the situation more awkard (after all, she’s going to be a bridesmaid for you … you kinda need it to be cordial) and just talking about this might be easier than fretting, ya know?

Post # 12
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I would be hurt too.  That’s not right.  It’s not up to you to be direct, its on her.  Now, I don’t think its a matter of reciprocating, meaning since you asked her to be a bridesmaid she HAS to ask you.  I think its simply that because you guys are good friends, that should be a natural choice. 

I’ve dealt with a similar situation, just about a year ago and I still get upset thinking about it.  Allow me to explain.  hopefully it doesn’t get confusing, there are a lot of details.  Throughout HS me and these 2 other girls, lets call them Annie and Nicky were the best of friends.  Eventually the other two drifted apart but I remained close to both.  But then, oddly enough, Annie started dating Nicky’s brother.  A couple years go by, I move out of town, Nicky moves out of town.  Then, we both find boyfriends as well.  Fast forward- Nicky doesn’t like the fact that I’m dating someone not of our race (how ignorant, I had no idea she was like that) and she disowns me.  But, I’m still friends with Annie.  When Annie gets engaged to Nicky’s brother she doesn’t invite me to be in the bridal party because “her family’s so big”, fine, no biggie but since we were so close I still knew I’d invite her.  Then, on Facebook, I see pictures of her bridal shower… one that I was never invited to!  I was heart broken.  I asked what happened and she said she had to cut some out of towners due to the large number of invites.  Which hurt more because some girl she has met in college was invited from way farther than I was and I’d known Annie since 7th grade!  visited her family on Christmas day every year, cried like a baby when her grandfather had passed, etc.  How could a friend do that?  Right?  Well, she said the invite to the wedding was in the mail, I never got it.  How could people you have such a deep history with just abandon you because of the person you fall in love with being a different color?  (I’m marrying that man and I don’t care what others feel about it)  So I sent her an email saying that I was hurt but I wish her all the best in the world and farewell, she never responded.  I still think about it, it sucks!  Sometimes friends just don’t value you as much as you value them.  I’m sorry that happened to you.  I think you should be honest with her and tell her you’re hurt.  I’m glad I did so, even though it didn’t matter. 

Post # 13
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Aawww Fifty I’m really sorry your upset!  You’re like one of my fav people on WB!  I’m actually planning my wedding with my BFF and we’re both in each others wedding.  I know how it feels to be left out of the planning process too!  Sometimes I get jealous that she doesn’t tell me things, but I just figured that it was because she thinks I’m so consumed with my own wedding!  Maybe that’s the same in this case.  Maybe your friend thinks that you have so much going on that you might be too busy for her or maybe because she so anti-bride she doesn’t want to rain on your parade with you being a happy planning bride.  You girls seem close so I’m sure you can calmly talk to each other about this situation.  I’m sure once you get the real answer, you’ll feel a little better!

Post # 14
1205 posts
Bumble bee

So Sorry Fifty!  Your posts are always so funny and upbeat, this one caught me by surprise! 

I think you’ve been given great advice, so follow your heart – you can make this as little or as big of a deal as you want, just be prepared for the worst reaction either way.  In the end, if you want to save your friendship, you need to talk to this girl.


Post # 15
1490 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’m sorry! I’m wondering if it’s because your friend feels self-conscious that her wedding is “anti-bride.” She may feel a little insecure about sharing details with you that differ from what you consider wedding-appropriate.

Post # 16
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Oh 50 I’m sorry.  She is imho being unsensitive and somehow perceives that there is (just my opinion) some wedding competition and isn’t discussing things with you about her wedding b/c of her own ideas or her own viewpoints which is strange somewhat.

I had ( back when I married the ex) all my friends marry within a wierd six month period and we were all supportive but one of us went quiet.  She clammed up.  Turns out she wanted to listen in on what WE were all doing and try to either out do us or change things all around b/c she got married last.  We called her on it and she still was clamming up but some people, no matter how good a friend they are, honestly get really wierd when they themselves begin the planning.  She sounded even imho a tad confrontational in that bizarre response to you. 

Hugs.  Do I need to buy you a bloody at the brunch/bee meetup on sunday?  You need a pick me up!

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