(Closed) I'm resentful toward his mother.

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
1651 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

paigey22:  Um, she is crazy. It’s time for you to tell your boyfriend what is going on. If he ultimately decides to marry you, you guys are a unit together, and have to stand unified. It is good to see that she has moved away so it makes some of the issues better. I think she is saying these things to hurt you because she is insecure and losing her son to you. Whenever she attacks you, just ignore her comments and move on to something positive.

Also, your boyfriend has got to put down his foot and not let your mother come on a cruise. There is no room for a third person in this relationship. It’s time for him to learn to cut the apron strings. I’ve NEVER had a parent come along for a vacation that was meant for just me and my husband, so just so you know, what you’re experiencing is not normal and you have the right to bring it up. 

Post # 3
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Yeah….your boyfriend needs to cut the apron strings if you and he are going to be together long term.  I am so sorry you are going through this….I assure you, it is not your problem, it’s his mother’s!  She is obviously having some trouble letting go of her baby, and I can only imagine it’s that much harder because he is in the military.  I am sure that it is very difficult to let go when you know he’s been in so many dangerous situations!  That being said, your boyfriend needs to realize that it is NOT appropriate for his mother to be inviting herself on your vacations, or saying rude things to you, or implying that you don’t take care of him.  I can’t believe that a grown man actually was OK with his mom going up to the mountains where he was having at trip with his girlfriend!  

I definitely think this is something to bring up to him…be gentle and not accusatory, but if it’s making you feel bad (which I don’t blame you) he should know.  If he respects you and your relationship he will try and make a few changes.  Good luck!

Post # 4
2504 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

She definitely sounds crazy. I think your Boyfriend or Best Friend has some issues too if he’s okay with her inviting herself every time you guys have a plan.

All that talk about how he likes her food better, just ignore. In my family, everyone talks about my mom’s food and how nothing compares. Shit, I could spend hundreds of dollars in a fancy restaurant and it wouldn’t compare. It’s just mom’s food. I don’t think it means that your cooking sucks. Plus, you think he’s gonna call his mama up and tell her he prefers your food? Ignore that lady.

I think you should talk to your Boyfriend or Best Friend about some of the things she says. I wouldn’t bring up everything, such as him preferring her food, but the comment about now you can afford to feed him? Wtf? I would bring that up. She needs to make an effort to at least be polite. You guys have got to stop letting her invite herself though. That is really weird and creepy that she won’t let you have time to yourselves.

Post # 5
46681 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

paigey22:  If her behavior bothers you, you need to start being honest and tell your Boyfriend or Best Friend. As far as he knows you have no objection to her horning in on your vacation time together.

Your Boyfriend or Best Friend also needs to grow a set. When his Mom pulls stunts like phoning to tell you she is joining you on your Christmas vacation, he needs to tell her “No Mom, you are not. This is time that paigey22 and I want to spend alone.”

Her behavior is unacceptable and immature. She is not ready to give up her “baby” and he is playing right along with her. She says things behind his back because she wants to hurt you and drive you away but she doesn’t want her son to know about it.

When she said “Maybe you’ll be able to afford to feed him” you could respond “He’s a grown man, he can afford to feed himself.” Also don’t take every thing she says to heart. It’s normal for a guy to tell his Mom that he misses her cooking. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love yours.



Post # 6
2574 posts
Sugar bee

Sounds like she knows that you two are getting serious and she feels like she is going to loose him to you. Some mothers feel like when there son gets married they are loosing them to the wife instead of gaining a daughter. Maybe talk to your bf and express your feelings since marriage is all about communication.

Post # 7
4940 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

paigey22:   Have you ever spent quality time with your Boyfriend or Best Friend, away from his mother?  Has he ever stood up to her?   It seems to me that she is competing with you for his attention, and inserting herself into your relationship with him.  In the long run I fear that will destroy your relationship with him.  

I think it is time for a calm discussion with him about how you feel, and to try to decide together with him what boundaries would be appropriate with his mother.

Post # 9
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I was with a mama’s boy for a few years. We were at the point of living together and very serious (married, actually). When things got tough, he walked out on me and ran right home to mommy, who subsequently screened my calls. He told me he needed a “break”. After two weeks of hiding out at mommy’s house, I left him a message and told him not to bother coming back.

My best advice; you can’t compete with his mother. It’s up to him to prioritize the ladies in his life, and you should come first. If you don’t, I would say your real problem isn’t the mother, but her son.

Post # 10
2790 posts
Sugar bee

You need to discuss all this with your bf urgently.  His mother is trying to compete with you for his time, attention and affection.  This isn’t normal.  

I suggest that you uninvite his mother and explain that the trip is just for the two of you. An alternative is that you invite your mother or his father on the cruise so that his mother has some company.  Another way forward is that you back out of the cruise and you both arrange a private trip elsewhere at a later date.

If your bf doesn’t see that there is a problem then you may have to reconsider your relationship.  You have been pleasant and accomodating but you need to be assertive and direct with both of them.

Post # 11
2790 posts
Sugar bee

You and your bf must ring the cruise company and move your cabin away from hers.  At the very least insist on this. 

Another point of attack is to get your bf to cook for you or cook something together.  It will break her line of attack.  Everytime she mentions her cooking you can ask her to show her son the recipe so that he can cook it for you.


Post # 12
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

paigey22:  ok NO…no no no no no!

You need to sit down with your bf and explain to him his relationship with his mom is close but its too much. A grown man needs to start separating from “mommy” and start aligning his life with the women he seems to want to spend his life with.

Their relationship is not healthy…. there are no boundaries and its just not healthy. In NO WAY is her coming to the mountains ok in NO WAY is her inviting herself ona cruise ok??? like no offense but wtf is wrong with him? This will be a hard topic for him and he will more then likely become defensive but there is a LOT of material online (just google healthy boundaries with adult children)… print off a dozen articles (theres hundreds) give them to him and say we need to talk!!!

what is she going to do…. come on your future honeymoon and get an adjoining room?  jesus! Im sorry but she is a whack job helicopter mom who is jealous of you because your the new women in his life, and he needs to know what shes been doing. Now that he’s back you need to sit down and write out all the things shes done, how it made you feel and that you didnt want to say anything before he left…. now…. you need to deal with it…. take that along with some “reading material” I mentioned and get together with him alone…. granted it sounds like his mother has a radar and will probably know your alone and find a way to show up!


Post # 13
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

People calling him a mummy’s boy need to remember that HE DOESN’T KNOW ABOUT THE PROBLEMS. The OP hasn’t told him about how awful and vindictive his mother has been. Of course he spent a heap of time with her before deployment, especially since the OP never asks him not to. But now that she lives 6 hours away it’s not as if he’s going home to her every weekend or something ridiculous. 

OP, you need to discuss these things NOW. In fact, why not just send him exactly what you wrote. It’s the truth, it’s how you really feel but it also explains why you kept quiet and is not too scathing. If she wasn’t his mother you’d think she was a right witch for everything she has said to you. Once he knows about what has gone on, he then needs to stand up to her. Make it clear that making such comments is not on and that she had better pull her head in if she wants to keep getting those weekly calls. 

Also remember though that of course he tells her her cooking is better, he’s being nice. But also, sometimes nothing is better than the food you’ve grown up with. 

As for the cruise, be honest! Do you want her to come or not? Given that he now doesn’t see her often (unlike that awful trip to the mountains) it wouldn’t be completely weird for her to join you, though the fact that she invited herself leaves a bad taste.

You need to set up honest lines of communication and it needs to start now. You don’t want to head into wedding planning or children never having brought this up before or he’ll feel blindsided, she’ll have settled into bad habits and you’ll reach you breaking point.

Post # 14
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Bellagio, Las Vegas

I went through the exact same thing when I was married the first time around. I could have written this post!

The thing is, if you don’t speak your mind, you will never get around this situation. You need to tell your boyfriend how you feel. It will not get better once you are married. She will always say whatever she wants (rude or otherwise) to you because you are letting her do it. The next time she says something you find offensive or rude, you tell her that those statements make you uncomfortable. If she can’t handle it, then your only option is to limit your time around her. I had to do this, even after I would say how I felt about different comments or offer any counter-comments. 

If anything, I understand how you feel and I know how awful it feels. 🙁 I hope your boyfriend can stand up for you and support you, even though it is his mother. It sounds like she rules the roost, even with him. It’s a dynamic you cannot break, unfortunately. He needs to stand up for himself around his mom and defend his relationship with you. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by  indycolts3990. Reason: grammar/spelling (:
Post # 15
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

paigey22:  I had to bring up similar issues to my Darling Husband and believe me in the beginning he wasnt receptive… it was immediate defending IL’s and then after he had a chance to think about it it was like oh… well ya I kinda see your point  now… sometimes it takes a few times seeing that person again just so they can DO the things your trying to explain (cause men dont notice).

They best thing to do when you bring it up is be calm, dont get in his face or be like “your mother is insufferable, shes doing this and that“… you start off by saying I have a few things we need to talk about thats been upsetting and I dont want to hurt or offend you but its really bothering me…. I do want you to take it seriously because it is becoming an issue for me and I want to try to find a way for us to work this out”

if he senses your “on the attack” he WILL defend his mother, so you just have to be tactful about how you say it and be mindful of your words…. I would suggest as I said write it all out…so you get the good vent out on paper and then read it as if he was….and edit content/wording from there. You dont have to give it to him but you can use it as a basis of what to say to him.

as someone who’s been through similar issues I can tell you it doesnt get better after marriage (mines attachment issues got worse) so you need to get this on the table now and be honest with him….or else your going to be in for a lifetime of inlaw hell!

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