(Closed) I'm rethinking getting married

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

It does seem a bit inconsiderate.  However, some males just suck with these types of situations.  I think you should share these feelings with him before you talk about cancelling the wedding though.  Hopefully he will learn from his mistake.


I’m sorry about your mom.  🙁 My mother is in her 5th year of remission (breast cancer as well) and I know it’s tough.  I cried forever when I found out.  Be strong for her.  It sounds like she is a strong woman and I know she will make it through this.    

Post # 4
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Yikes! I’d be pissed too. That being said, we had a scare with my mom, and my fi, bless his little heart, just didn’t get it. Insensitive, yup. Did he mean to be? Probably not.

Post # 5
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m so sorry to hear about your mother.  As far as the Fiance, I do think it was a bit insensitive but men can be creatures of habit.  I’m not excusing what he did and yes, it would have been the proper thing for him to do to rush home to be with you.  As you mentioned, he did get upset when he heard, so it isn’t like he blew it off completely.  I don’t know your relationship, but this doesn’t seem to be a “call off the wedding” type of offense. Does he know that his actions hurt your feelings?  Has he aplogized?  I’d talk to him about it after you’ve had some time to absorb the shock of your mother’s diagnosis, when you are more likely to be calmer and more level headed with him.

Sometimes people do really strange things when hit with bad news.  Kind of go into auto-pilot mode.  When my mom found out I had cancer, she went to the post office before driving down to San Diego where I was living at the time.  She said the house payment needed to get mailed that day or it would get there late.  Yes, it was strange, but I didn’t think much of it.  I mean, I had just found out and my dad (who was working down here at the time) was already on his way since she had called him.  It was just one of those “I must feel normal before facing such a scary reality” moments.  After she got to my apartment, we spent an hour untangling the stings on my throw pillow before either of us finally felt comfortable talking about it.  And we are super close.  

I’m sorry it upset you so much though.  I think when our worlds get turned upside down, we seek comfort in our routines even more.  

It seems like everyday, more and more medical advances are being made and illnesses are not so insurmountable.  I hope your mother’s recovery is speedy and full.  Thoughts and prayers.  

Post # 6
1368 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I’m sorry about your mom. I pray that everything will be fine.

I’m with PPs. While I won’t say that you are overreacting (trust me, if I were in your shoes I would be super pissed and hurt and all that stuff), what he did wasn’t all that crazy bad… I can imagine many males do that… Hell, I can imagine myself being a little inconsiderate like that sometimes. I think you can just cut him some slack but really express how you feel. He will understand.

Post # 7
958 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, guys are just wired differently in the head. They deal with things differently. I forget what book it is, but an author describes women’s brains as spaghetti. We are thinking about a million things at once, and can deal with multiple things at once. The author describes men’s brains as waffles. They have their little boxes and can only be in one box at a time. Maybe your Fiance was in the “comic book store” box when you called him, so while he was still upset, he had to get to the comic store because that’s what he does every Wednesday.

My guy did something like that today also. Not as horrible as your mom with BC, but something that was tramatic to me. I told him about the worst thing that ever happened to me, it happened about 10 years ago, and is still completely tramatic to me to this day. He completely dismissed it as no big deal. He didn’t understand why even talking about it makes me bawl. He didn’t get it. Sometimes guys just can’t be in our heads and understand what we’re going through. Sometimes it sucks, but sometimes it’s a good thing, because you can’t both be emotional wrecks. Someone has to be the strong supportive one.

Just my experience anyway. But guys are totally weird and I know it’s humanly impossible to understand them completely.

Post # 8
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Don’t make a decision like “rethinking your marriage” right now.  You’ve had a huge shock and are incredibly worried and sad about your mother.  Tackle the Fiance issue on another day and hug him now that he’s here next to you.  Later on, see if you’re still upset about the incident and then tell him how it made you feel. 

Post # 9
720 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

He was definitely inconsiderate! I’ve been in a very similar situation with my Fiance..my grandfather died from bone cancer two years ago. I flew home for the funeral by myself as we couldn’t afford to fly my Fiance back aswell. It was extremely hard and the day after I got back home, two days after the funeral, I stayed home from uni cause I was still so upset. Fiance went to uni, but instead of coming straight home after to comfort me, he went to the fricken pub! Boy was I pissed. So I think you’re totally within reason to be acting this way, but I also don’t think you should call the wedding off over this.

Post # 10
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

men are from mars.

you have every right to be dissapointed in him…but I honestly feel like a lot of men have trouble with the comforting, when tragedy strikes. 

they really don’t know how to act, what to say/do…so I think they end up doing what they always do.

boy is it infuriating!!! 

do I think you should rethink marriage? let’s not be too hasty. he’s your Fiance, talk to him, tell him how you felt…tell him what you really needed him to do that day…so that next time, he knows not to go to the comic book store. 

Post # 11
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’m so sorry, I hope everything with your mom goes well.

But as for your Fiance, I think that people deal with stress and scary situations in totally different ways. You went home and cried, my best friend would have gone and deep cleaned her house, and mine, and random strangers. I think while yes, it would have been WONDERFUL for your Fiance to realize that you needed him home, maybe his way of coping was to do what he always does. As a PP said, maybe he needed the routine because he was in control of that routine and with something like this happening, he has no control. I think yall need to talk when you are a little less upset and you both don’t have such raw emotions about it. Your mom is going to have a long row to hoe now and I don’t think it will be any easier for any of you for you and your Fiance to be totally at odds. Cool off, go do something that relaxes you, tell your Fiance to do something that relaxes him and then you can discuss what happened when you both are level headed. 

Post # 12
3484 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

i’m sorry about your mum….

As for your Fiance…maybe he was in shock and wasn’t thinking clearly….as you said he loves  your mum and you. i don’t think he did it with intent…..I wouldn’t judge him too harshly….however I would tell him how you feel. I would also tell him that if anything happens in the future this is not the behaviour I would be happy with.

Post # 13
2577 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yeah, it is a bit inconsiderate.

If I am entirely honest, I can see my Hubby doing something very similar though.

They do not think the same way we do sometimes. 🙁

Sending good and positive vibes for your Mother, it is a scary time for all of you. Hugs.

Post # 14
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Yeah this is a very male thing to do. Women cope with this sort of stress by expressing their emotions and feelings, men cope by doing the opposite and consuming their minds with something completely unrelated and irrelievent.

He didn’t go to the comic book store in spite, he was probably thinking you would want the same thing has him, space, time alone to gather your thoughts. Sometimes you have to be literal with men to get what you want “I’m really upset and would appreciate it if you came home as soon as you can, I need you right now”

I’m sorry about your news but your mother sounds like a strong woman and I’m sure she’ll give this situation a good fight.

Post # 15
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Hmm. I think it’s totally reasonable to me angry right now. I don’t think you’re totally overreacting, but I also do not think this is grounds for breaking up (unless it’s something that has been going on for a long time). Getting married is really amazing, but really really scary! A lot of thoughts run through your head before the big day, and we all have our doubts from time to time. You just got hit with a load of terrifying news, and youre obviously pretty fragile right now. I think you need to calmly tell your Fiance that you’re angry and what your expectations are. Stay calm.

I’m really sorry to hear about your mom. Be positive!

Post # 16
886 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

People deal with cancer very differently. Some people go through very deep denial phases, and we’re talking the people with the cancer themselves. It’s entirely possible that your Fiance is being avoidant or in denial. Men love to avoid deeply emotional and difficult situations when possible. Not saying it’s an excuse per se. But it may well be his way of dealing with it. (And I say this because it sounded like when you told him the news, he did sound upset.) If his current response bothers you, talk with your Fiance about it. Clearly you all need to support each other in this. And maybe he didn’t know you wanted to talk? Hope you feel better soon. The treatment for it is getting better every day!

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