i'm ruined…

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

Have you talked to him about how much getting married means to you? Have you talked about what his hesitation is? I mean, you guys have 3 kids together. You’re pretty much bound by them for the rest of your lives. I think that’s a bigger commitment than marriage, but it might be the opposite for him. What is it that he’s afraid of? Only he’ll be able to answer those questions. And if you want to stop guessing, you’re going to have to try to have that conversation with him. 

 

Post # 5
Member
1014 posts
Bumble bee

I’m sorry.  Talk to him.  I had times when i felt like CRAP while i waiting. And i was honest with him and i put my heart out there. He definitely understood. And TRUST me. The hurt is gone now that he did it. 

Post # 8
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

Breathe.

27 is not that old to be getting married. That’s actually pretty normal.But study after study I’ve read have said that the women who end up getting married aren’t necessarily prettier/thinner/smarter than the women who don’t. They are the women who insist on marriage. You need to insist on marriage. Tell him no more talking about weddings until he is ready to get serious. If he presses, explain that you’re tired of looking forward to things in your head that you don’t really have evidence will ever happen, and that it’s hurtful. (I’d phrase it more delicately, but definitely let him know that this is hurting you, and that by talking about weddings and such before he is ready to talk seriously about getting engaged is putting the cart WAY before the horse.)

You shouldn’t phrase it like you did here–I wouldn’t mention ANYTHING that will make it seem like you’re doing this because you have a plan that includes being married by X age, or that you’re doing it in an attempt to keep up with the Joneses. If you do, he will think you just want to be married to SOMEBODY. You need to convince him that you want to be married to HIM, but convey to him that you feel you do deserve to be with someone who will marry you, because that shows dedication to being a family, and not just a baby daddy.

Would he want his daughter to be with someone who didn’t want to marry her? (I am looking at the odds and assuming there’s at least one female child). If not, if he wants her to do things in the “right” order and have the sort of ease and security that comes with that, maybe he should be setting a better example. (Not sure you should actually SAY that, but it is something to think about!)

You aren’t ruined. Far from it. If marriage is really important to you, and he absolutely will not get on board, you are plenty young enough to find someone who wants the same things out of life that you do. And stop beating yourself up over your past. It sounds like you have things pretty well under control, and that you’ve got some good kids that you’re trying to do right by, and in the end that’s more important than doing things in the conventional way. And anyway, it’s too late to change it now. Emphasize you want to be a family, and that you want to be a family with him. And let him know that you aren’t willing to discuss any particulars, because what sort of woman makes plans like that before she’s even engaged? (LOL, some of us do, but for the sake of argument…)

 

(Sorry this is long and kind of disjointed; I’m at work!)

Post # 9
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Have you asked him if he ever wants to be married?  

Post # 10
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

@EffieTrinket:  Great advice!

@911trouble:  You need to start approaching this differently with him. Let him know that you want to have a serious talk about getting married. You can’t get upset while you’re talking to him, but you can convey that him waiting so long is hurting you like AmuseMeMusically said. 

Express to him why marriage is important to you. If he comes back with the excuse that you guys don’t have the money, tell him you’re happy marrying him at the JOP and a nice dinner afterwards. It doesn’t have to be elaborate…you just want to be married to him. Tell him that he’s the father of your children, and there’s nothing more that you would want than to be married to him. You have to follow up on that though. You can’t expect a big fancy ring or a huge wedding. Either that or start saving so that you have the money for these things before you have the conversation with him. 

The thing is, unless you have a serious conversation as to why he’s avoiding marrying you, it’s never going to happen. And you’re going to continue to resent him. Communication is key…and right now, it doesn’t sound like you’re communicating properly to each other.

Post # 11
Member
10368 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Well, marriage is about communication. Which means that it isn’t just up to him to decide when a proposal happens – it’s up to you to make it clear what your needs and expectations are. All the cards should be on the table.

Post # 13
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m guessing you’re very mature for a 27 year old.  Having children probably has forced you to grow up very fast, and you probably have spent a lot of that time putting the needs of others ahead of yours.  It’s no wonder, then, that you end up in the “lapdog” relationship, just desperate for his attention.  But that’s no way to live, and even after you get married, that dynamic will remain.  You don’t deserve that.

Just to put things in perspective…  I know you probably don’t want to leave him, but if you did… you might be surprised at the options you have out there.  There are probably tons of men who would love you equally, who would never make you wonder whether they cared or where the relationship was going.  I felt very similar to you, until I tried internet dating!  I actually had a really good experience with it, and I learned that I actually had lots of options!! Before, I stayed in the lapdog relationship, because I didn’t believe there was anyone better.  Now I know there are tons of nice people out there. I just needed to pick the best one:-) I wish you could see that and not sell yourself short.

All you can do is be honest, though, and find out why he’s waiting.  There’s no “trick” to getting a man to marry you… But if that’s what you need, then you need to be honest about that.  Don’t accept anything less than you deserve.  It’s time for you to stop putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own!

Post # 15
Member
11284 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@911trouble:  why is marriage so important to you?  why do you feel ruined?

 

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