(Closed) I'M ruining it?!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
3243 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

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teacherbee432:  Why don’t you *calmly* sit down and say “look, I need to have an honest conversation with you about this in order to maintain my sanity.  Can you at least give me a timeline in regards to you proposing??”

Post # 4
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

The fact that he said you’re “ruining it” makes me think he has major plans but each time you bring it up or nag him or sound annoyed that it hasn’t happened yet, he holds off. I know my Fiance wanted me to be completely surprised even though we had been together for 7 years and had talked openly about getting married often. He even went as far as saying, “look, I know we’ve been together for 7 years and I would love to marry you but it’s just not a good time for us right now and I hope you don’t start pushing me to propose. I hate to say it, but it will probably be another year or two” THE NIGHT BEFORE HE PROPOSED. I was pretty upset when he said that and disappointed going into our beach trip ‘knowing’ the proposal wouldn’t happen (as I had expected it might). But I’m happy he threw me off because the proposal was so much more exciting being out of left field after his comment the night before.

I would cool off on bringing up anything proposal/ring/marriage wise for a while and maybe he’ll be ready to make his move. No guy wants to get down on one knee after being bugged to do so. It takes away their moment and may feel like “well, since you’ve been nagging me to do this, here ya go”. A proposal is huge for women but in all honesty, IMO, it’s the GUY’S moment. We get our ‘moment’ as brides… they get theirs when they propose.

If after a month or so of not bringing it up AT ALL and it still doesn’t happen, sit him down and say you need a timeline as ^^ suggested. I hate ultimatums but you also can’t wait around forever.

Post # 5
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Lol just read your reply. Let him do this. Obviously he wants it to be on his terms and it IS his moment. Cool off and let it happen naturally. He’s obviously planning to propose to you. And ultimatums do suck and I don’t suggest that at all. If you truly love him, you’d stay with him anyway right? It just sucks when  you want to start a family at a certain point

Post # 7
Member
5521 posts
Bee Keeper

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teacherbee432:  I agree with 
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ChrissyMary9515:; my feeling is he has plans to propose, probably fairly soon, but gets put off/postpones it when you mention it, possibly because he doesn’t want it to seem like he proposed just because you were nagging him, or because he doesn’t wanted the proposal associated in his mind with any negativity (you bringing it up/nagging).

My suggestion, if you are positive he does want to get married and you don’t want to give an ultimatum, would be to make yourself not mention it at all for a set amount of time eg 6 or 12 months. If that period of time comes and goes, and he still hasn’t proposed, then you need to do some serious thinking, and, yes, possibly consider an ultimatum if you think he is going to keep dragging his heels.

FWIW, though younger than you and in a different position (didn’t live together or own our own home) it was over 5 year before we got engaged, and 8 years and 8 months when we got married; and honestly, I’d have been quite content to wait even longer. I never considered myself ‘waiting’, and aside from general ‘I would like us to get married’ talks, and showing him rings I liked, never nagged about it or asked for a timeline; I just knew we were on the same page and then he would propose when we were both ready. I think there is something to be said for that approach, personally speaking, particularly if you do feel sure it will happen in due course.

Post # 8
Member
9148 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

If you really can’t take it anymore propose to him!

Post # 9
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

It sound to me when he says “you’re ruining it” that he really means…I’m planning something but if you keep bringing it up then it will just seem like the only reason I did it was because you wouldn’t stop talking about it. Sounds like he wants you to be surprised and that he doesn’t feel like you can be if that’s the only thing you’re talking about.

I don’t think he means it in a mean way. I’m hoping that if you do take PP advice and just keep quiet about that topic…maybe you’ll be getting a proposal not very long from now! πŸ™‚

Good luck…keep us posted!!

Post # 10
Member
616 posts
Busy bee

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barbie86:  I hit send and then your reply popped up…looks like we said practically the same thing!

Post # 11
Member
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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ChrissyMary9515:  My DH did like, THE SAME THING. Told me he wasn’t proposing and then did the next day! So funny too cause I was soooo mad that he was not proposing ‘any time soon’ cause we were going away for our anniversary and everyone (and myself) was expecting a ring.

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teacherbee432:  I know its super hard but you need to stop asking him. He is clearly planning on proposing and I think you asking him gives him like, stage fright!

Post # 12
Member
2452 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

 

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mrshollinger:  We were going away for our anniversary too! 7 years and I joked to him that night that he “better not get that 7 year itch!” (thinking I was being cute and cheeky because I expected him to have been planning the proposal) but that’s what prompted his comment about it going to be a while. It was like WHOMP..WHOMP… ugh, I was so disappointed I spent the entire drive to the beach the next day texting my friend “I’m going to be a girlfriend forever! I’m never getting a ring! At this point, I better start freezing my eggs cuz I’ll be all dried up by the time we get married and start having kids!” LOL.

Post # 13
Member
744 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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ChrissyMary9515:  Our anniversary was the Saturday and we were driving to our destination Friday when I made a joke about him proposing and he gave me the speil about it being awhile. I was so mad I clammed up, REFUSED to let him cuddle me or touch me that night and texted my friend ‘he is NOT proposing :(‘ except the message didnt send because we were out of service.

Too funny cause later that day I texted her HE PROPOSED!

Post # 14
Member
6 posts
Newbee

Hey πŸ™‚

cant really offer any any words of wisdom but I’m pretty much in the same boat as you and I know how much it sucks!

its just like goddam we both know it’s coming eventually so stop making me wait and just ask already and stop me from going crazy here.

im just taking some time to concentrate on me and distract myself. I keep inviting my friends over for dinner and planning fun things for me to do that I enjoy. Sometimes it drives me bat shit mental, so I know where you’re coming from. ive resolved myself to stop mentioning it, I’ve just got a pretty drastic haircut and I’m not Paying him as much attention. Here’s hoping he will notice and do something about it!! Haha! Keep us posted, good luck and I’m sorry you feel like crap. Hopefully good things come to those who wait πŸ™‚ xx

Post # 15
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

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teacherbee432:  “it’s not fair that he gets to make the call on it.”

I understand him wanting it to be a surprise.  And I understand women who enjoy the fun and nervous excitement of it being a surprise.  But at some point, if you are seriously unhappy about your lack of control over important life choices, then you need to tell him and he needs to listen you and respect your feelings on this. A little “Within the next 3 months” isn’t going to ruin anything.

Relax, have a good Valentine’s Day, but seriously evaluate if you’re content with this situation.  

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