(Closed) I’m sad! should we cancel the wedding?

posted 12 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Its cheaper to cancel/post pone a wedding than it is to get a divorce. Read The Power of A Praying Wife  even good for gf and fiances.

Post # 18
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Hmmm, I would be concerned about having so many issues in what is a relatively new relationship.  Not playing twister for months after only being together for two years is a bit concerning. As are your doubts.  Perhaps you should postpone until you can afford a place of your own and not live with your mothers anymore?  I would think living at home would make it pretty hard to have a normal relationship.  Whatever you do, don’t get married until you figure all this out!!

Post # 19
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

I don’t want to be flamed for suggesting it, but here it goes anyway, is it possible that you two have just fallen out of love, that maybe he just wasn’t the one?  I noticed that your post only mentioned the facts, not the emotion of the situation.  Is it possible you are OK with the relationship coming to a close?  I think if I hadn’t had sex with my fiance and consented to spend a lot less time with him, I would see that as a sign that my feelings for him had changed.  I think you have a lot of soul searching before you consider proceeding with a marriage with this man.

Post # 20
Member
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

So – it doesn’t concern me quite as much that you’re not intimate at this point in time, as it does that apparently you can’t talk about it.  This is not going to be the last rough patch (major or minor) in your relationship, if you do stay together.  Keeping a relationship going longer than a year or two requires work and dedication – and most of all, communication.  It may always be easier to not talk about your problems than it is to fix them, but if that’s the only strategy you have, you’ll end up divorced sooner or later. 

I assume that you have not had any premarital counseling, and like a whole lot of girls before me, that’s my main recommendiation.  You need to figure out why you’re not having sex, and you need to be able to talk about it in order to be able to fix it.  Sometimes all it takes is a concerted effort (a weekend away, a bottle of wine, some new lingerie) but there may be something else going on. 

I guess I’m also concerned that you have thousands of dollars invested in your upcoming wedding, and he has almost nothing.  I’m not sure what’s up with that, but it hardly seems fair.  A good counselor will also get you started talking about money, which it also seems would be a very good idea. 

Post # 21
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

You sound like you have a good connection to him but perhaps it’s not a marriage basis. Can you just be friends?

Post # 22
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I am a huge fan of Dr. Willard and Steve Harley.  They have a wonderful site called marriage builders online.  Please go and get the book "His Needs Her Needs" and see if you can get a marriage builder counselor endorsed by the Harleys or some phone counseling.

I strongly  believe in their approach to marriage.

You two OWE IT TO YOUR CHILD to lovingly do all you can do to save the relationship, rekindle it, and grow it.

If after EVERY and only every avenue is exhausted should you consider giving up.  I had to divorce (very personal reason and yes, I had to do that) my xh and only did so after having the counselor AND my minister both agree that I needed to do so. 

Sending you love, prayers, and good wishes for a fresh new start!

Jump on the counseling!  The Harleys will do it via phone too.  They have a very active web community and I personally know of one couple who REMARRIED after receiving counseling from them!  I will be attending their wedding this year btw and my friend’s fiancee will be singing at my wedding! 

Their two children are so thrilled their parents didn’t give up.  I’m not saying stay together or get married if it cannot be properly healed or worked out, but give it all you both have.  Give it priority and energy.

Look, a wedding is just one day out of your life.  A MARRIAGE is a lifetime committment and promise.  Long after your open your presents and after the photos have gathered dust, a family will still exist.  It’s up to us to do our best and recognize that relationships are living..they take effort.  They take love and caring.  You grow a relationship.  Not one is ever perfect, but sometimes the most difficult of times can bring you closer together and make the road you’re both travelling together all the more worth it.   

 

Post # 23
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2010

i agree with everyone above. i think that relationships require so much work, and sometimes it is exhausting. but in the long run, it should be worth it!

divorce does cost more than marriage, but heartbreak is one of those things that money can’t fix or buy. i would also STRONGLY suggest trying to work it out for your daughter’s sake. i think she’d be more heartbroken than both you and your fiance combined. she’s a child, and children take things personally. 

i have a two year old, and can definitely understand what you mean by the intimacy issue, but we don’t look at it that hard. really… life goes so fast, sex isn’t EVERYTHING. yeah, we like it. but you have to think about the fact that we are in different kinds of relationships because of our kids. my FH and i both know we are so busy and tired all of the time that it just isn’t really a priority. we aren’t like other couples engaged and or newly married, because we already have a child and don’t have all the time in the world for sex. (ok, that being said… we DO have sex, but we wouldn’t ever judge our relationship off of it because we have a month or two of a lack thereof!!)

also, do look into the different stages of relationships. maybe this can make you both closer.

 

Post # 24
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think the other bees have given you great advice already.  I can tell you first hand how helpful counseling is, especially when it comes to discussing delicate topics.  A good therapist will ask questions in ways that you don’t answer with a simple "yes" or "no."  I went a couple of times with Mr. D and a few times by myself, and both were very helpful in different ways. 

I agree that it would be a mistake to make any quick decisions, but don’t let a date put added pressure on you.  If postponing (without picking a new date) takes the pressure off of your relationship, then go for it.  You’d hate to lose deposits if you do end up working things out.

This may sound silly, and it is hard to believe all the time, but my mom always told me that "everything happens for a reason."  It’s hard to keep the faith all the time, but I hope you find comfort in it.

Best of luck…

Post # 25
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Postpone the wedding first and get counseling, whatever has happened may take more than 4 months to fix.  If you enter into counseling now you will both still feel the pressure of the "wedding date" upon you and the need to fix things faster.  Call your vendors and explain to them what has happened…postpone maybe 6 months or so and go from there…your heart will tell you what is right.  Good luck to you!

Post # 26
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2011

My heart is just broken!  We are supposed to get married in Vegas on St. Patty’s day.   I was planning on paying for the wedding with my income tax return and after running into problems while filing, I was told that I would have to mail in my taxes.  Now the IRS say I will not get my refund until the week we were suppose to come home.  I have exhausted all possibilities to get money to pay for the rest of the trip and it just simply is not going to work….I have tried to get a loan, tried to get a title loan on my car, I even considered pawning my ring to help cover the costs.  It’s just not going to work. 

To make matters worse, a bunch of family members have already bought their airline tickets and hotel rooms, so they are all still going, just not the bride and groom.  I am soo upset!  I feel so stupid for planning a wedding that I clearly could not afford and now it has blown up in my face and I am so embarrassed!   I tried to barrow the money from different family members and no one is able to help.

So there it is, we just can’t get married and my heart is broken.  Hope everyone has a good time.

Post # 27
Member
26 posts
Newbee

i think maybe you need to re-evaluate how you feel about the actual marriage not just wedding.  counseling could be really helpful as other bees have mentioned, it could help you work on some issues before taking the plunge.

its kind of hard to know your exact situation because i obviously dont know you or all the details but it seems like he may have a problem with committment. if he keeps promising things and then breaking those promises, you need to walk away.  (i only say this because if you are having major issues before the wedding, then just think of how bad it could be after)

Post # 28
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Deep down inside only you can answer this question. Really you already know what it is you have to do. STOP thinking about everyone else and their feelings/thoughts/ideas. Do what you know to do for you and your 4 year old child. You will be respected more for taking responsibility and doing “whatever” it is that you must do. Take a deep breath and go from there.

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