(Closed) i’m scared

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
36 posts
  • Wedding: March 2009

ohh that is a scary feeling.. what kind of stuff does he lie about? A lie is a lie of course, but are they about big or small things?

Post # 4
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

My friend just lost $20,000 in deposits for her wedding and cancelled it three weeks before. You do have that option. So do NOT feel trapped. Do you feel pressure to get married?

Have you ever heard, "The better it gets, the better it gets?" and "The worse it gets, the worse it gets?"

Why do you want to marry him? What do you like about him? What drew you to him in the first place? What are his values? Do you see the same life goals together? 

My sister said to me at a recent friend’s wedding, "It’s the wedding, the cake, and then the rest of your life." It’s not about the party. 

People don’t change people.

It is possible to have it all. Think about you want. Appreciate what you have. You know in your heart what is right for you. They way to get the lover you want is by appreciating the lover you have. Funny how that works. 

Post # 5
2432 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Take a deep breath. How long have you and your fiance been together? How serious is the dishonesty (not that it is ever something to ignore, but there are major differences in degrees)? Have you discussed how much this behavior affects you? Have you considered seeking counseling together?

I’ve been with my fiance for 7 years. During our engagement, I found out that my fiance had been dishonest about several grades he received while we were dating (he failed several classes without telling me). It turned out that he was very scared I would leave him if I found out how much he was struggling in his classes. Ultimately, he graduated on time (by overloading classes) and made the Dean’s List his final semester. We both received a very important lesson on communication – something we thought we had mastered over 5 years of dating.

I offered my story because I was very scared when I found out the truth – it turned into me calling him late at night, crying and asking for an explanation. When we were able to sit down together the next morning, we were able to iron things out and regain trust in one another.

 The most important thing is to sit down and talk. Good luck.

Post # 6
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

You do deserve the same.  I had a boyfriend (one I was considering for marriage), and his lies ended our relationship.  I realized that there was no way I could be with a man who lies like he did, and he lied about all sorts of stuff.  Important things, things that didn’t matter.  It became a way of life. 

I think you have a lot of soul-searching to do before the big day, to make sure you are making the right choice.


Post # 7
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

Is there an opportunity for a few quick counseling sessions that might help you two sort this out?  It’s hard to know whether this is a deal-breaker or not without understanding why he’s doing it.  Is he just nervous and sabotaging things or is this a life-long pattern?  Are you being more critical than you otherwise would be because of the impending wedding?

Whatever the answer, I’m wishing you clear-headed-ness.  Please do what you need to do to feel safe and protected.  No one should enter into marriage with broken trust.

Post # 9
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t know if i can believe anything that comes out of this man’s mouth! he lies about the big things, he lies about the small things.  why should i marry someone who lies so casually???

That’s serious stuff.  (Hugs).  The problem is no matter what he says at this point, you will always question if it’s the truth.  And letting things go too far with a stripper?  I know it’s difficult beng so close to your wedding…. I’m just thinking as awful as you’re feeling now, you’ll be feeling worse when you’ve been married for a week, a year, 20 years, and still have to deal with this stuff.  Maybe you’re thinking you could go through with the wedding and work on the problem after.  But I don’t think that’s a good idea.  Better know where you stand before saying I do.

I’m sorry. Hugs and prayers.

Post # 10
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Do you have a friend or close relative whose opinion you trust and who knows you both well?  I know I was having some doubts a few weeks ago but it was just me getting nervous about the finality of marriage – and I realized it was just nerves – but while I was in the thick of those feelings I had no perspective.  Right now you have tremendous pressure and a real deadline and a lot riding on this… I think you should confide in someone who knows you both and hear what they have to say.  He is probably a little scared too, and sometimes men have idiotic ways of handling their feelings.  I HIGHLY recommend some emergency counseling sessions with a professional who can guide you in the right direction and help the two of you express what is really going on for each of you.  Good luck!!

Post # 11
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009 - Church Ceremony/Reception at The Waterford House

**Hugs** First of all, I think, as a couple, you should talk with a counselor or even a religous figure, if that makes you feel more comfortable, about what you have just shared with us.  Your issues are not with petty things… these are pretty major items you are unhappy with (which you should be).  If you are worried about loosing deposits and such, I think you should talk with your vendors about postponing your wedding until, as a couple, you have resolved the problems.  Good luck, and I will keep you in my thoughts.

Post # 12
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I’m so sorry to hear about your stress.  I agree with the above posters, take a deep breath.  One way or another, it will be okay.  There may be some tears along the way, but you will be okay.

A couple things about your situation strike me.  I dated a compulsive liar once.  It’s really hard to sort out whether there’s a deeper root behind a person’s lies, or whether they are just plain dishonest.  And in my case, the compulsive lying was a symptom of a deeper disrespect, which ultimately manifested in worse ways.  So my point is, compulsive lying is a major problem and I would not advise marrying someone if that is the case.

That said, the things you mentioned all seem to revolve around the common theme of his being afraid of your reactions to his behavior.  Strip clubs, smoking, his past.  I’m not saying that it’s a good thing he can’t be honest about these things, but it might be more of an issue regarding how well you can communicate about uncomfortable issues than about how about his just being untrustworthy.  My Fiance used to smoke when he got stressed out, and it really bothered me.  I’d occasionally (like once every few months) smell smoke on his breath.  But I learned to not flip out, and rather just let him know how I felt about his behavior b/c I was concerned about his health (and that I didn’t want to kiss him).  He hasn’t smoked in over a year now, but more importantly if he did he wouldn’t feel the need to hide it from me.  You’re not going to always like everything about your FI/husband, but it’s important to be able to accept it and discuss how the behavior makes you feel without posing ultimatums (don’t know if that’s what’s going on for you but…)

The one thing that does concern me, though, is what you said about things going too far with a stripper.  What exactly happened?  That really does have to do with your relationship, and not just a communcation issue.  Taht is something you would need to resolve b/c if you feel that he can’t be trusted with other women now (not that you dislike his past), that is not sustainable for you…it will tear you up inside.

I’m going to agree with the above posters that it would be a good idea to seek counseling ASAP.  I think the most important thing is to find out whether his lying is truly pathological.  From my past experience, that would be a deal breaker.  If that’s not the case, then I think you really need to sort out what happened with the stripper b/c that’s pretty serious.  And beyond that, I hope that you are able to figure out how to discuss touchy subjects without resorting to dishonesty.

Good luck with it all!  You will be okay, you will figure it out.  It’s good that you are thinking about this seriously now.  Give yourself the space and time you need, don’t make rash decisions.  And please keep us all posted.  There are some friendly voices out here in cyberspace for you.

Post # 13
1018 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Hey sweetie,

 There is some good advice in this thread, and I don’t really have anything new to add… but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. (((hugs)))

Post # 14
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Awe sweetie, deep breaths! These bees have already given great advice so I don’t have much to add. Just remember you shouldn’t already have a problem as big as this to worry about resolving AFTER the wedding. Resolving what color to paint a wall is one thing, resolving whether or not you can trust your spouse is another. Best of luck! You’ll be in my thoughts and prayers. 

Post # 15
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’m so sorry! 🙁

I’m not going to pretend to be a psychologist, but I will tell you that my Fiance and I do not talk about our past (as far as sex, etc.). In my opinion it may or may not bring you closer together, and it creates uneasy feelings and jealousy. The only story I would be happy hearing is that I was his 1st and I know that isn’t true so I don’t want to hear it! To be honest, if he suddenly asked me about my past I would probably lie through sugarcoating so there you go, I’m a liar.

All that matters is that you trust each other now and have the same goals for the future. Does he lie about current things? LIke has he ever told you he was going to work but really went  out with the boys or something like that? Or is he just trying to save your feelings about things that happened before the two of you got together? In my opinion there is a big difference.

Can you contact your vendors and ask about pushing the date back a few months? That way you won’t lose your deposits and you will have time to sort this out. It might be too stressful for you two to start your marriage off this way, but maybe somehting that can be conquered with professional counceling and time. Don’t worry about explaining it to your guests – they will understand, this type of thing happens all the time and it will be much more special on the day you finally do say "I do"

Post # 16
278 posts
Helper bee

Communication is key.  I think a lot of times, men lie to protect something of some sort.  If you’ve tried your best to let him know that it’s okay to be truthful, even if it hurts and he still lies, it might not be your problem.  Some people are compulsive liars and can’t help themselves.  It’s almost like a sickness.

I feel sad whenever I hear about relationships ending because of lies.  I, too, was in a relationship that was based on lies.  From beginning to end, I still can’t tell what was truthful and what wasn’t.  It’s an ugly feeling that really eats you up inside.  Needless to say, that relationship ended and I felt a big relief letting that all be the past.  Trust is a big thing.  If you don’t have trust – I don’t think it’ll ever work.

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