(Closed) I'm SICK OF SUCKING IT UP. Tell the sister in law to 'suck it up' for once.

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 121
Member
4845 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

start spreading rumours about her involving farm animals etc. 

does she treat other people this way or only you?

Post # 123
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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FedUpWithThis:  

You have no say in what name your brother and his wife use for their baby. I understand why you hate your SIL. However, you sound very selfish and petulant when you say that your niece’s name should be changed just because you don’t like it. 

I don’t know how you can actually feel bitterness towards YOUR INNOCENT BABY NIECE just because you don’t like her mother.

The stocking issue isn’t really about the stocking itself. You are feeling replaced and unimportant, along with attacked emotionally by your SIL When your mother advised you to hand over the stocking just to keep peace, your feelings of inadequacy were reinforced. Keep the stocking since it is clearly important to you. Just be aware that your SIL is very manipulative and she might try to use the stocking as another way to make you look bad to your family. 

It might be helpful to take some time for yourself away from your family. Fill your life with positivity and healthy relationships so that their actions will not hurt you so much. Talking to a counselor might benefit you as well. It makes sense that you don’t appreciate your SIL’s behavior. However, it seems like perhaps you are letting your anger lead you to irrational feelings such as disliking your niece becuase of her mom. Having a therapist helped me put my past into perspective and taught me how to deal with what I have endured in a manner which was not self destructive. My therapist also helped me with boundary setting when it came to toxic in-laws and family members. 

 

 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by  amiona.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by  amiona.
Post # 124
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

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FedUpWithThis:  I wouldn’t hand over the stocking and that is ok. I suspect your SIL does things without thinking. Not an excuse but once you learn to have pity for her rather than hate, killing her with kindness will be easy. Killing her with kindness doesn’t mean handing over the stocking. It means saying “Sorry I really can’t let go of that stocking, not sure if you know but it was made for me by my grandmother and I really want to keep it for when I have a family of my own and we do stockings together. But don’t worry, now I know what to get little FedUpWithThis for the baby shower. I will make sure it awesome don’t worry”

I get it is difficult but you are also going to have to learn to put the anger aside. There is a saying that hating someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. That is exactly the situation you are in. I learnt to pity those who cause me anger because quite frankly for them being that way, life must be difficult. I know you think it is your life that is the difficult one but in the end, you don’t have a ton of people who don’t like you.

Post # 125
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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FedUpWithThis:  I’m speechless…. your SIL sounds EXACTLY like my Future Sister-In-Law so I truly feel your pain.

I think at this point though I’d be starting to get angry with your family… the fact that your mother actually asked you to hand over your Christmas stocking is just not on! As your mother, she should know what that would mean to you and it should mean something to her! It’s fine to try and keep the peace but she should tell your SIL to buy a new one for the baby as your stocking belongs to you! 

I have no real advice because, well I’m in the same boat… no one is allowed to say anything to Future Sister-In-Law because no-one wants to “upset the apple cart” and make family gatherings awkward..

 

Good luck!  

Post # 126
Member
832 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015 - Family Farm

 

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FedUpWithThis:  I would tell her that she needs to back off. She can’t have somehting that YOUR Grandmother made for YOU. Full Stop. End of conversation.

Post # 127
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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FedUpWithThis:  Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Your SIL sounds like she could be, although maybe not. If she is (or is on the spectrum) realize:

– She will never care about you or “come around.” However, can be handled if kept at a distance. Narcissists are crafty and manipulative, but they are very susceptible to flattery and you can coerce them through flattery.

– They are exceptional at manipulation. You cannot beat them at this and you should not try. They plan well in advance all of their secret attacks, which only the victim will ever know about or even understand (and as a result, the victim will “sound crazy” when they try to tell others). You must avoid looking like the “bad guy” in front of others, by keeping your cool at all times and being light and happy. Narcissists WORK by making you look like the bad guy (campaigning behind your back, baiting you). This is how all their evil shit goes unnoticed.

– Realize that anyone who behaves like this has a lot of problems. Your SIL is not a truly happy person, because she can only feel glee by making others feel bad. You are a good target for her because you are emotional and easily provoked (I am similar). You also don’t sound that assertive. You are a great target for her. Stop being a target.

– In conclusion – no matter how she is making you feel on the inside, hide it from her, either by going robot blank or by remaining smiley and light. Once you get more assertive, you can do things to set her off, if you want to be a bitch. But with people like this it has to be super subtle, something you could brush off as “obliviousness” (which is exactly what narcissists do). Something like, “Wow, Evil Bitch, I’d heard pregnancy affected shoe size, but I didn’t know it really happened.” Or, “You know, I think it’s sweet you wanna name Helpless Baby after me. Traditionally, you name a baby for someone you admire. I’m glad you want your baby to be just like me.” People like your SIL look for slights wherever they go and take everything as an attack, so the smallest snide remark will wound them. Expect retaliation however.

Now, go buy the ugliest fucking stocking you can find and get it embroidered and gift it to your SIL in front of the family. “Now you can start your own tradition!!” Baby won’t care about ugly stocking, before people jump down my throat.

Like Tom says on Parks and Rec, “I always tell people to take the high road. That way there’s more room for me on the low road.”

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by  Syzygy88.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by  Syzygy88.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by  Syzygy88.
Post # 128
Member
4163 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

 

FedUpWithThis:  This sounds incredibly frustrating, and horrible. I’m sorry no one is standing up to her, and that she’s focsing her nastiness on you alone. It’s unfair, and absolutely not OK. The problem is, the only person you can change is you. I realize it completely SUCKS to be the only one making an effort, but you have very few options right now. You can:

-Talk to your parents and tell them that you are going to start standing up for yourself with SIL and would appreciate it if they would set boundaries with her when it comes to what she says and does around them. Asking you about the stocking is totally inappropriate, your mom should have just told her that wasnt something she can ask of you and offer to get one for the new baby.

-Set boundaries regarding what behavior you will accept from her. When she says something rude or inappropriate, camly ask her why she would say something like that. My dad is pretty clueless and I’ve been successfully dieting for a long time, i wanted to order pizza one day and he poked me in the belly and said “do you really think thats a good idea?”. I looks right at him and said “why would you say something like that, thats a terrible thing to say”, he felt terrible and re-worded it as “do I really want to throw my healthy eating off by doing that”. Now, I’m sure your SIL isnt oblivious and all this negativity is intentional, but if you call her out, CALMLY, she will look like an asshole and will have to re-word it in front of everyone. If you keep doing it, she’ll have to keep taking things back and her plan to to be the favorite will have failed, because it’ll become pretty obvious that she’s an asshole.

-talk to your brother. Ask him if he wants a relationship with you and how to go about that… and why she doesnt want you and him hanging out since you’re SIBLINGS. Put the ball in his court to find a way to appease his wife while still having a sister.

You have 2 options. You can be pissed off, isolate yourself from your family and forever blame her for that OR you stand up for yourself, teach her what kind of behavior you’ll accept and maybe have a happy relationship with your family again. The choice is yours, but right now you’re choosing the first one.

It’s not going to be easy, it’s going to be frustrating, exhausting and really really irritating. But just remember that no one is as blind to her crappy behavior as they seem, and when you start calling her out on her shit, they’ll take more notice than if you complained about it after the fact.  

Shame on your brother for being so spineless, and I’m really sorry you have to make such an effort! It’s unfair, but trust me, we all have relationships that are just plain hard, but the other option is to walk away and thats crappier than working at it.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by  Charliejeorge.
Post # 129
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I felt bad for you until you said

so pick another god damn name for your stupid baby

and now you sound just as rude as your SIL. I know you are angry, but that is absolutely no excuse to sink to your SIL’s level. This is your future niece, and no matter how you feel about your SIL, don’t be so heinous as to take it out on the baby, so chill out.

That aside, you need to step away from your family for a little bit. Once you’ve settled down it would be worth talking to your parents about how you feel (calmly, I might add), and they can help talk to your brother and SIL from there. If it were me, I’d be taking the high road and going with it, especially on the name thing. You can’t change her mind, so why not have fun with it? She wants to name her baby Jane like your’s, you say, “I can’t wait to call her Little Jane!” Eventually I think your SIL would either pick a different name if she hated you that much.

In the meantime, calm down. Vent your anger here, but don’t go in guns blazing like this and try to talk to your family.

Post # 130
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I had to log in to comment… I feel your pain…I dont have a SIL like this..its my very own sister…and for years my family did the…dont upset her thing and now they are paying for it..dearly

Just a few examples…after my father passed..I invited my siblings and their families to come to my home for thanksgiving so mom wouldnt have to cook..she would be the guest of honor…my sister insisted that she and her boyfriend couldnt make it to my home and that they would all alone…begged my mother to stay home and be with them….my mom stayed home..kicked dinner and they didnt even bother to show up….she spent thanksgiving alone…when we called her on it…she said she had no idea that anyone would go to any trouble for her.

Im part of a military family…we dont get to see our families much..my grandmother passed away in April and I flew down to be with my mother for the funeral…my mother afterwards offered to drive me home so she could spend time with me since she only sees me about once a year…my sister pitched a fit and booked me a plane ticket because she didnt want my mom to spend any time away from her…

My sister got pregnant on purpose unmarried, thought it was one guys, turns out it was someone elses…the baby..my nephew was born with severe health problems…she demanded my mother leave her life to care for the baby…then when my mother found photos of the babys genitals being posted online by the child molester father, she hit my mother for calling the police…

For years my siblings and my mother both let her behavior slide…she was the baby of the family..oh she is just being her..she doesnt mean anything..now they are finally seeing what a bitch she really is…now she has no one…because she refuses to acknowledge that her boyfriend and father of her child is a child molestor who already had his own children taken away by their mother because he sexually abused them.

My mother is fighting for the baby in court now…

but I digress…some words of wisdom

Do not complain to your parents….because it will do no good until your bitchy SIL screws them over…she is the gateway to their grandchild they arent going to do anything to upset that apple cart…

Do not go to your brother…she is giving him sex with trumps anything…I would just say to your brother..I love you, I miss you and would love to spend time with you….life is short..

As far as the baby name..I would eat that shit up to the point where she would want to change the babies name…I would get shirts made…take out a full page announcement…everytime she waddled her butt into the room I would shout to the whole room…OMG!!! Sis I love you..you’re carrying my mini me!!!!”  I would talk about how your going make that child just like you…then ask her if you can stand as godmother…It will absolutely kill her..she might even consider giving the baby another name if she thinks you might want to be intimately involved in every aspect of the childs life

I would be just as passive aggressive….Next time she started throwing her weight around I would just say…omg…is it the hormones? Thank god my engagement failed or I would be pregnant crazy like you …but we could be crazy together wouldnt that be so much fun?

Ask her if she has stretch marks yet?

And last but not least…in the best sweet voice…just say “Bless your heart” and move on..eventually she will get it that your not going to take it…

 

Post # 132
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Charleston, SC

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FedUpWithThis:  So, I’ve been refraining from replying to this thread, but now I’m going to because I think this is getting REALLY absurdly ridiculous.

Girl, get a grip. Like, seriously get ahold of yourself. First of all, I can get you being upset about your SIL, because she sounds really frustrating, but PPs have been telling you for NINE pages to just kill her with kindness, be nice to her, and she loses all her power. It’s super true, so you might want to consider listening to them now. If 9 pages of Bees are all telling you the same thing, they’re probably on to something. Just saying. It’s also most likely she’s getting a kick out of your clear overwhelming anger at her. It’s a game to her. So don’t let her win. You need to step up and be the adult here.

About the baby thing, sorry if this comes off as harsh, but you don’t seem to be getting it. IT’S A BABY!!!!! Your brother’s baby. Get over it! You’re not being “replaced as the M___ in your family.” That’s completely ridiculous and you know it. Seriously. My cousin isn’t the only one in our family with his name, and literally no one cares. Let’s call them Jake. Both Jake’s have a perfectly clear position in our family, and neither one was offended. Yes, Little Jake’s parents asked Big Jake’s parents (Big Jake was pretty young when Little Jake was born) if they were ok if they used the same name, which would have been nice if your SIL did, but clearly that’s not in her game plan. Additionally, not only did Little Jake’s family name their son the same name as my cousin, but they named their DOG the same name as my sister. Do you think she was offended? NO! Sally the Dog is super cute and Sally my Sister (not the real name) doesn’t care AT ALL. This really should not be your hill to die on.

Don’t give your SIL the stocking if it means a lot to you. No one can make you, and it sounds like your mother really does just want to keep the peace in her family. I can’t imagine how exhausting it must be for her to have a manipulative and rude SIL and an overemotional, immature daughter. You really need to grow up and move on from this. And stop making snarky comments about “stupid baby” and “your brother could have divorced her if not for the baby.” It doesn’t sound like your brother would have divorced her even without the baby, and either way, you have to deal with her the rest of your life so you might as well learn to get along peacefully. 

Post # 133
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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CarolinaPeach13:  

+1000

I do not like my Brother-In-Law because he likes to scream at people until they cry and then he apologizes tearfully. I still love my niece even though half her genes are my BIL’s.

I do not like my brother’s ex because she is trashy and abusive. I still adore my little niece.

Even though my husband and I are childfree and clearly not “kid people”, we still show our nieces so much love and attention because they are children we are related to who deserve our adoration. How we feel about kids is irrelevant!

It is never a baby’s fault that her parents are assholes. The OP has every right to be upset but taking out her anger on a baby is very selfish and immature.

If the OP’s family keeps telling her to suck it up, they are clearly tired of her complaints and likely weary of her behavior.

Post # 134
Member
1780 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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FedUpWithThis:  I feel like you and I could be related but from a different senario….Im the one who always has been told to suck it up as the sister in law….but yeah seriously alot of the same shit…my now sister in law even had the gall to make our wedding weekend about her…including the rehersal dinner….and I am ALWAYS introuble and told to “take the high road because she is special”….because of some imaginary slight i have commited against her….I am currently introuble with Future Mother-In-Law because during the chaos that was the wedding weekend….I did not make her feel special enough and enough attention wasnt on her and we didnt get enough pictures of her so she cried and threw a tantrum at the reception and after so now im the bad guy for a bunch of shit i didnt know was going on….and i know she is worse to my DH (her brother) than me so i spend most of my time trying to comfort him….so I feel you…I do…but ive learned actions out of anger do nothing….and i hate to say it but the only way to deal is to ignore it….otherwise it eats you alive….and the biggest thing ive learned is….the more I react to it….the more SHE acts out and does theses things….so ive very recently taken the kill her with kindness approach because when i stand up for myself i get told im being petty and she gets to go play games with Mother-In-Law and Father-In-Law and make me look like the bad guy and all of my grievances are because “well she just dosent like me”….

So I feel your pain and she is pretty messed up….but i will say this that women like her feed off of it…so the more you react the more she gets fuel to act out more….because if you act sweet as pie and dont raise a stink…some of her crazier behavior will start to shine through….

I feel for you.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by  Soonerbee07.

The topic ‘I'm SICK OF SUCKING IT UP. Tell the sister in law to 'suck it up' for once.’ is closed to new replies.

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