(Closed) Im so confused!

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1111 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

View original reply
wendles45:  Well, let me ask you this.  Are you staying with him? I mean, are you committed to this relationship?

Do you want to marry him?

Are you staying?  

It kind of sounds like you have no plans to leave, but are just really angry at how he’s not been motivated to get married until now.  Which…yeah, I get that, but you also stayed for 20 years with someone who showed no urgency to get married, and you own that, not him.

It sounds like a good couples therapist could help you through this.

Post # 3
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

This is tricky because you originally agreed that marriage isn’t important and you all have been together for so long. Honestly I think you need to go to counseling to sort out your feelings. I can’t tell you if it’s “right” for you to leave or stay, that’s up to you. 

Post # 4
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I agree with PP. Are you more angry with him or yourself?? I understand being fed up and resentful BUT he sounds like he does want to get married-better late then never right?!?!?  You have been in a committed relationship for 20 years which is a huge thing-longer than a lot of marriages. Nothing can change the fact it took so long for it to happen. If you want to be married to this man then I think you need to move past the resentment and make it official.  You can’t let it eat you up!

Post # 5
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

He told you from the very beginning that he didn’t want to get married. You agreed to those terms when you started that relationship. Then you changed your mind about what you wanted (which is absolutely fine) but you got upset that he didn’t magically change his mind when you did. Now he’s saying that he wants to get married, and now you don’t because you’re mad that he wasn’t excited about it back when you were. 

Have you considered his thoughts and feelings at all? It seems like what he wants doesn’t matter, even though now he wants what you want. You changed the core of the relationship on him and while it took him time to get there he eventually came to your side and you’re still angry at him. I don’t think anything he can say or do can fix how you feel about this situation. It’s something you have to sort out with a counselor (couple or by yourself)

Post # 6
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Some people just don’t feel like marriage is important.  It sounds like he’s been fairly clear all along about his feelings, and he might have thought (at least for the first while) that you felt the same.  You’ve been together for 20 years and have a child.  The bottom line is do you love him and want to remain together?  Married or not, you are in a serious committed relationship.  If he goes through with marrying you, great, but you should be sure that you’re okay living without that title.

Post # 7
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

It sounds like he was very clear about his wishes, and you just hoped he’d change his mind. And now that he has, you decide that it’s too late?

Are you interested in being with this man for the rest of your life, or not? Marriage isn’t about a ring or a ceremony and reception, it’s about committment. Are you committed to him? Then you may as well get married and reap the legal benefits.

It might benefit you to take a few session with a counselor to help you two talk through the situation and communicate effectively about it.

Post # 9
Member
1908 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
wendles45:  Pick a date and start planning.

“DH -state date- lets start planning our wedding!”

It sounds more like you both are dragging your feet. You have a ring and you are waiting for him to say “ok, lets get married.”…. He did. You have a ring. Pick the date and start planning.

Post # 12
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Your update paints a picture with problems that are a lot bigger and deeper than your initial post suggested. I can understand not wanting to go forward with the marriage if you feel he is just doing it because he thinks you’ll leave. You want it to be meaningful to him the way it is meaningful to you and that makes total sense. You have to decide if you are okay if it is not meaningful to him. If it is not meaningful to him, do you want to go ahead with the process since he is willing to do it, or has it been ruined? If it has been ruined and marriage is off the table, do you just stay together without being married, or is marriage a very important part of what you want for your future?

How money and decision making are split between you two also needs to be addressed. Working or not, you should have a voice in your relationship and it doesn’t seem you do. Marriage counseling would be the best option for you two because there are so many more issues to work out besides whether or not to get married. Sorry you are going through such a rough time and I hope you two are able to find a healthy way forward together.

Post # 14
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
wendles45:  I don’t think you should hold it against him. Obviously, his lack of interest in marriage has nothing to do with his feelings for or commitment to you. He was just not excited about marriage….it happens.

The topic ‘Im so confused!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors