Post # 1
I knew that marrying at an older age would present some problems but elemenate alot of others.
I am 33 and my husband is 37. Before we married and were in the dating phase he couldnt keep his hands off of me and was a gentleman. Opening doors and bringing me flowers here and there. But the closer we got to our wedding it started to change. Finally after the wedding on our wedding night me being a virgin (Religious Reasons) we consumated but looking back it was almost out of a have to do this attitude. Our three week honeymoon was filled with such confusing I couldn’t stop crying. He made me feel like such a jerk asking for sex I finally was able to get as much as I wanted and he made me feel like a freak because i wanted to be close to him. When we got home I point blank asked him “Am I doing something wrong”? (He had several partners over 7) He said no but his sex drive had decreased the last three months. I felt so lied to! I feel like that should have been my decision on whether I would be ok with someone who didn’t have any drive. He just says “You should have known me back in the day” Its hurtful. Its only gotten worse we tend to go for once a month and thats if I push for it. Im a wife I have needs too and I dont want to look elsewhere I just want him. He never compliments hes been rude as of late, always complains about how I look or what I wear and yet that was a few of the things he told my dad that drew him to me. That I always looked classy and put together even for a walmart trip. I really am hurting and about to walk out. After going to counseling he told me a week ago he doesn’t see the need and is done with it, He doesn’t feel like he needs to open doors or be gentleman. He says I’ll do it if you ask and need it but I don’t see the need. By The Way may I mention he hasnt kissed me like french kissed me since our wedding.
What do I do? I am tired of being treated like crap and ive put up with so much. He asked me today why I don’t want to be close and let him hug me? I dont want to be close to him right now. Im tired of hurting.
Please help!!! Especially Men why is he doing this to me?
Post # 2
Wow, I’m so sorry bee! That must be really hard to deal with. Why does he feel like he doesn’t need to go to counseling? Has he said anything about how he thinks your marriage is going so far? Maybe he’s having a difficult time adjusting to living together? Even if he won’t go to counseling it would probably be good for you to continue to go even if you have to go by yourself. A good counselor will be able to help guide you through your situation and give you advice. Even though it sounds like he’s being super difficult and not being a good husband at all try to be loving towards him and try not to fight back when he displays bad behavior. Are there othere ways he feels comfortable being intimate? Maybe start by holding hands more often and see if you can slowly break down that barrier?
Sending lots of love your way!
Post # 3
sadbride84 : May i ask how long you were together before you got married?
I dont think he necessarily hid anything about his drive, it sounds like you guys were in somewhat of a honey moon stage while dating and his drive was intensified by the forbidden (waiting until marriage) but now that the excitement has faded and real life has set in, he is getting comfortable.
You are not a freak. You are a healthy woman with a healthy drive. We all have it, and it sucks that his drive doesnt seem to be on the same level as you. He should never ever make you feel bad about it. It is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. In fact, i bet he turns it around on you because he cant stand to “fail” in that department.
I think you should continue going to counseling and hopefully he will join. If this was the only issue in your marriage, i would say you could get over this and find other ways to be close/initimate, but i am feeling like there is a lot more than just issues in the bedroom.
You may want to have a really good think about if you want to continue with this marriage if he isnt willing to put in any work. It is a 2 way street.
Post # 4
Yeah… I’d be out, like, yesterday. He sounds awful. None of that behavior is ok or to be reasoned with. And get some serious individual therapy for yourself before you begin dating again.
Post # 5
I just want to note this doesn’t have anything to do with marrying at an older age per se. Peoples’ sex drives, and their sex-drives across time, are highly individual things. I was older than you when I got married, and my husband is roughly the same age.
Incompatible sex drives are a really serious problem. It is part of why a lot of people council against waiting to be sexually active until you are married (so you can know your own needs and find a partner whose needs are sufficiently compatible with your own.) Obviously, that wasn’t something you you felt was right for you, which is of course your choice.
I hope you know that you are NOT a freak. Just like men, women vary widely in their desire for sexual activity. It is ok to want sex (though of course that never gives you a claim on other peoples’ bodies). There is nothing wrong wrong with having a high libido, or a low one. There is no right or wrong way to be.
Your husband can satisfy at least some of your sexual needs even if his libido is lower. Sex toys of all kinds (plus hands, mouth etc) can allow him to give you pleasure even if he isn’t in the mood for penetrative sex. And cuddling and other forms of intimacy don’t require that one feels like having sex.
A serious issue is that it sounds like your husband is being a jerk. That is a separate issue from compatible libidos. Insulting you is not part of a healthy or respectful relationship. Have you talked to him about that separately from the sexual issues? How has he responded?
Post # 6
OP if this isn’t working it might be best to separate and divorce. You seem fundamentally incompatible, and from where I stand it looks like you’ve played a part in this as well.
Unfortunately this is the chance you take when you wait until after the wedding to have sex. I dont think he misled you in any way, I think you went in blind. I have heard this story so many times. There are many who will disagree, but in my opinion a man who is willing to put off sexual contact until marriage is either very young or just not that interested in sex.
Just one of the many things religion has to answer for.
Post # 7
33 and 37 are “old”? He doesn’t even have to be “nice” anymore? You deserve much much better. I know you can find happiness in your future.
Post # 8
sadbride84 : if he had a bigger drive and it dropped off a few months ago, he needs to see a doctor… he’s either lying or has some form of ED he’s not admitting to, in my unprofessional opinion.
Meantime he appears to be the type who thinks once he’s hooked you, he doesn’t have to try any longer. That’s a pretty big character flaw and implies he doesn’t respect you and was faking it all along for whatever reason. Sure we all slack off after a bit, but he sounds arrogantly complacent. Does he treat others that way as well, or just you?
Personally I’d lean toward divorce if he’s not willing to step up immediately. I’m not going to be in such an unbalanced relationship (and I don’t mean the sex). Is that something you’re willing to look into or are you the type of religious that makes you stick it out permanently? If it’s the latter, it’s still important that you ensure he understands this behavior won’t fly. Stand up for yourself and don’t tolerate insults and other disrespectful behavior.
Post # 9
Nothing to be confused about, Bee.
It’s common for people who are basically jerks to let their masks slip once they are confident that they have their quarry locked down.
The guy you dated was a fraud. What you have now is the real guy and he sounds awful.
I definitely agree about individual therapy for you; but, not with the therapist you were seeing as a couple. That raises ethical conflicts. It would be best for you to have your own therapist. The one you have been seeing together can probably make the referral.
Couples’ counseling is probably a bad idea in your situation anyway. It’s a very bad idea to make yourself even more vulnerable to your husband.
Don’t wait around for him to go back to being Prince Wonderful. If he does, it will be just long enough to keep you from fleeing.
Post # 10
How long did you date before you were married? How long have you been married? Unfortunately it does sound like he’s showing his true colors now that he has you. It also sounds like he has been taking advantage of your inexperience. You have to be the one to decide how you will respond to his behavior. Just remember to take it one day at a time and prioritize yourself.
Post # 11
I find something fishy here…. you’re religious enough to be a virgin until 33 but now have needs (no needs prior to marriage???) and are thinking about divorce because you aren’t getting enough xxx?
Most people religious enough to wait that long don’t immediately plan a divorce without spending a lot of time and energy to improve the situation.
Post # 12
Your religion required that you abstain from sex but allows for divorce? I guess that’s good, since not knowing if you have sexual chemistry with your life partner is such a huge risk that it will often lead to divorce! Case in point right here.
It sounds like a weird bait-and-switch kind of situation, but not in regard to his sex drive. He is allowed to have whatever drive he has, and it can change on a dime for myriad reasons. But other than that, he’s not being a good partner at all. I do think that your decision to abstain from sex has, in large part, led to these problems, so you may have to consider that for the future if you ever find yourself dating again. But for now, if he’s unwilling to work on things, then you either stick it out in this foolish situation, or you get out.
Post # 13
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
When two people fall in love with each other they may not be sexually compatable. This is something that needs to be worked on. It takes works. Just like a marriage. Your really willing to divorce him over this and your haven’t even tried. Try and do different things in the bedroom.
Post # 14
keviah12 : Trying to do different things in the bedroom isn’t really the answer. He’s an ignorant prude and a douche who tries to make a woman feel bad for wanting sex. He has a low sex drive. Sex toys don’t change that stuff.
Post # 15
Have you two talked about how your day to day life is going to be like and what expectations that might might come with it? Like we know that doing laundry or paying bills isn’t sexy , but this also applies how you talk to your partner about your sexual life and health. Your feelings do matter and you shouldn’t feel shame about something that seems to come naturally to you.
As far as your husband goes, he needs to apologize to you big time, change his attitude towards you and possibly see a sex therapist (if there are underlying issues he hasn’t dealt/told you about) if he wants to keep your marriage. Most people would rank sexual compatibility high even if it’s not frequent in their lives.
Good luck bee and hope everything works out for you