I'm So Confused

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Wow, I’m so sorry bee! That must be really hard to deal with. Why does he feel like he doesn’t need to go to counseling? Has he said anything about how he thinks your marriage is going so far? Maybe he’s having a difficult time adjusting to living together? Even if he won’t go to counseling it would probably be good for you to continue to go even if you have to go by yourself. A good counselor will be able to help guide you through your situation and give you advice. Even though it sounds like he’s being super difficult and not being a good husband at all try to be loving towards him and try not to fight back when he displays bad behavior. Are there othere ways he feels comfortable being intimate? Maybe start by holding hands more often and see if you can slowly break down that barrier? 


Sending lots of love your way! 

Post # 3
3056 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
sadbride84 :  May i ask how long you were together before you got married?

I dont think he necessarily hid anything about his drive, it sounds like you guys were in somewhat of a honey moon stage while dating and his drive was intensified by the forbidden (waiting until marriage) but now that the excitement has faded and real life has set in, he is getting comfortable.

You are not a freak. You are a healthy woman with a healthy drive. We all have it, and it sucks that his drive doesnt seem to be on the same level as you. He should never ever make you feel bad about it. It is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF. In fact, i bet he turns it around on you because he cant stand to “fail” in that department.

I think you should continue going to counseling and hopefully he will join. If this was the only issue in your marriage, i would say you could get over this and find other ways to be close/initimate, but i am feeling like there is a lot more than just issues in the bedroom.

You may want to have a really good think about if you want to continue with this marriage if he isnt willing to put in any work. It is a 2 way street. 

Post # 4
745 posts
Busy bee

Yeah… I’d be out, like, yesterday. He sounds awful. None of that behavior is ok or to be reasoned with.  And get some serious individual therapy for yourself before you begin dating again.

Post # 5
941 posts
Busy bee

I just want to note this doesn’t have anything to do with marrying at an older age per se. Peoples’ sex drives, and their sex-drives across time, are highly individual things. I was older than you when I got married, and my husband is roughly the same age.

Incompatible sex drives are a really serious problem. It is part of why a lot of people council against waiting to be sexually active until you are married (so you can know your own needs and find a partner whose needs are sufficiently compatible with your own.) Obviously, that wasn’t something you  you felt was right for you, which is of course your choice.

I hope you know that you are NOT a freak. Just like men, women vary widely in their desire for sexual activity. It is ok to want sex (though of course that never gives you a claim on other peoples’ bodies). There is nothing wrong wrong with having a high libido, or a low one. There is no right or wrong way to be.

Your husband can satisfy at least some of your sexual needs even if his libido is lower. Sex toys of all kinds (plus hands, mouth etc) can allow him to give you pleasure even if he isn’t in the mood for penetrative sex. And cuddling and other forms of intimacy don’t require that one feels like having sex.

A serious issue is that it sounds like your husband is being a jerk. That is a separate issue from compatible libidos. Insulting you is not part of a healthy or respectful relationship. Have you talked to him about that separately from the sexual issues? How has he responded?

Post # 6
5120 posts
Bee Keeper

OP if this isn’t working it might be best to separate and divorce. You seem fundamentally incompatible, and from where I stand it looks like you’ve played a part in this as well.

Unfortunately this is the chance you take when you wait until after the wedding to have sex. I dont think he misled you in any way, I think you went in blind. I have heard this story so many times. There are many who will disagree, but in my opinion a man who is willing to put off sexual contact until marriage is either very young or just not that interested in sex.

Just one of the many things religion has to answer for.

Post # 7
290 posts
Helper bee

33 and 37 are “old”? He doesn’t even have to be “nice” anymore? You deserve much much better. I know you can find happiness in your future.

Post # 8
6861 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
sadbride84 :  if he had a bigger drive and it dropped off a few months ago, he needs to see a doctor… he’s either lying or has some form of ED he’s not admitting to, in my unprofessional opinion.

Meantime he appears to be the type who thinks once he’s hooked you, he doesn’t have to try any longer. That’s a pretty big character flaw and implies he doesn’t respect you and was faking it all along for whatever reason. Sure we all slack off after a bit, but he sounds arrogantly complacent. Does he treat others that way as well, or just you? 

Personally I’d lean toward divorce if he’s not willing to step up immediately. I’m not going to be in such an unbalanced relationship (and I don’t mean the sex). Is that something you’re willing to look into or are you the type of religious that makes you stick it out permanently? If it’s the latter, it’s still important that you ensure he understands this behavior won’t fly. Stand up for yourself and don’t tolerate insults and other disrespectful behavior. 

Post # 9
11124 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
sadbride84 :  

Nothing to be confused about, Bee.

It’s common for people who are basically jerks to let their masks slip once they are confident that they have their quarry locked down.

The guy you dated was a fraud.  What you have now is the real guy and he sounds awful.  

I definitely agree about individual therapy for you; but, not with the therapist you were seeing as a couple.  That raises ethical conflicts. It would be best for you to have your own therapist.  The one you have been seeing together can probably make the referral.

Couples’ counseling is probably a bad idea in your situation anyway. It’s a very bad idea to make yourself even more vulnerable to your husband.

Don’t wait around for him to go back to being Prince Wonderful.  If he does, it will be just long enough to keep you from fleeing.

Post # 10
2390 posts
Buzzing bee

How long did you date before you were married? How long have you been married? Unfortunately it does sound like he’s showing his true colors now that he has you. It also sounds like he has been taking advantage of your inexperience. You have to be the one to decide how you will respond to his behavior. Just remember to take it one day at a time and prioritize yourself. 

Post # 11
1634 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I find something fishy here…. you’re religious enough to be a virgin until 33 but now have needs (no needs prior to marriage???) and are thinking about divorce because you aren’t getting enough xxx? 

Most people religious enough to wait that long don’t immediately plan a divorce without spending a lot of time and energy to improve the situation. 

Post # 12
1187 posts
Bumble bee

Your religion required that you abstain from sex but allows for divorce? I guess that’s good, since not knowing if you have sexual chemistry with your life partner is such a huge risk that it will often lead to divorce! Case in point right here. 

It sounds like a weird bait-and-switch kind of situation, but not in regard to his sex drive. He is allowed to have whatever drive he has, and it can change on a dime for myriad reasons. But other than that, he’s not being a good partner at all. I do think that your decision to abstain from sex has, in large part, led to these problems, so you may have to consider that for the future if you ever find yourself dating again. But for now, if he’s unwilling to work on things, then you either stick it out in this foolish situation, or you get out. 

Post # 13
738 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

When two people fall in love with each other they may not be sexually compatable. This is something that needs to be worked on. It takes works. Just like a marriage. Your really willing to divorce him over this and your haven’t even tried. Try and do different things in the bedroom. 

Post # 14
1187 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
keviah12 :  Trying to do different things in the bedroom isn’t really the answer. He’s an ignorant prude and a douche who tries to make a woman feel bad for wanting sex. He has a low sex drive. Sex toys don’t change that stuff. 

Post # 15
1464 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Have you two talked about how your day to day life is going to be like and what expectations that might might come with it? Like we know that doing laundry or paying bills isn’t sexy , but this also applies how you talk to your partner about your sexual life and health. Your feelings do matter and you shouldn’t feel shame about something that seems to come naturally to you. 

As far as your husband goes, he needs to apologize to you big time, change his attitude towards you and possibly see a sex therapist (if there are underlying issues he hasn’t dealt/told you about) if he wants to keep your marriage. Most people would rank sexual compatibility high even if it’s not frequent in their lives.

Good luck bee and hope everything works out for you  

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