(Closed) I’m so confused!–religion, love and sex

posted 8 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The way it sounds is that if you did do it before you got married you would feel ashamed and bad about it which is not how you want to start things off.  He is waiting patiently and its only six months!  You can do it, let go of the guilt because he has chosen you and just like my fiance, loves you enough to want to wait for you… 6 months will fly by trust me (I haven’t even seen my fiance in 6 months and they seemed to go fast despite my pining for him, and soon he will be here, so it will be for you πŸ™‚  )

Post # 4
5427 posts
Bee Keeper

You are going to be with this man for a lifetime, and he will be with you for a lifetime, so 6 months is not too long….

Post # 5
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Okay…. first off (hugs) for your stress b/c this does seem to really be concerning you! And second, lets see if I can get this all broken down. =)

1. On the aspect of not being on the same spiritual page b/c of background: It seems that both of you are in a perfect place to grow together! And yes, you more than likely come from different ends, but God likes to use those difference to help you each grow each other. Darling Husband and I are VERY different in the things we’re gifted in and even how we come to understand scripture and such. This has only helped us help each other see from another perspective, still biblical, from from different angles to have a well rounded understanding. Don’t think that just b/c you aren’t the same that it’s not okay… so long as you both have a heart to learn and grow closer to God.

2. On the waiting for sex…… 6 months isn’t that long either, yes longer than 2 months, but still not forever. πŸ˜‰ Do NOT think less of yourself just b/c you hold the stronger conviction & understanding on this one. You ARE worth loving and ARE worth waiting for!!!!!!!!!! No ifs, ands, or buts about it. The fact that he is waiting, and patiently, shows that even though he doesn’t have that full understanding of where you’re coming from he does have that REAL kind of love that is willing to put his own desires aside to honor yours! That is AWESOME! I would see if maybe you two can find a solid couple that you two could counsel with in preparing for the big day! Don’t give in just b/c you feel guilty or unworthy of being waited for. That. Is. A. Lie. and you WILL regreat it.

I get the whole thing with him understanding love physically… most guys do, BUT I know my Darling Husband has a VERY high physical touch love language, so waiting for us definitely went through him feeling rejected when we’d have to put the breaks on. Yes many lines WERE crossed, even that one, but we both restored that before the Big Day and are SO glad we did……. one line crossed doesn’t ever make the next crossed line feel “justified”. I would do what you can to find a happy medium where he gets his non-sexual physical touch to know he loved & you both are staying pure.

I don’t know if you two pray together, but I HIGHLY suggest you start. It may, well will definitely, be awkward BUT it will help grow you together in this and will help strengthen you.

3. On your history… I am SO glad that you have began to find healing! I didn’t have a traumatic childhood but did deal with debilitaing depression & an abusive relationship though my teenage & young adult years… it wasn’t until my young 20’s, a child, and a failed marriage, that I was able to get out of the abuse & start healing from all of that. And even though God did do some awesome things in my time being single, I learned that relationally there were just some things that He had to wait to heal until Darling Husband and I were together. Just keep trusting God and He’ll keep healing you! My mom has a VERY traumatic history of child abuse & molestation & I can tell you that God HEALS… and God RESTORES… and he doesn’t leave ANYTHING out! Just take one issue at a time & keep your communication open with you Fiance so that he can go through this WITH YOU… that’s how God intended us to go through life… with EACH OTHER!

I don’t know if I helped or answered your question but I do know that the path you’re on is so great & that as you just continue to seek after God he is FAITHFUL to give you all that you need (Matthew 6:33)

Post # 6
2281 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Please read this book: Sex God, by Rob Bell. Zondervan publishing. (Copyright 2007). It’s a Christian approach to not just sex, but also to sexuality and what it means to be a sexual person. It’s positive, constructive, and about having a strong and good relationship to God. 

You will likely find it in the Christian, or Spiritual, section of any bookstore. 

I found it immensely, incredibly, healing, when I was dealing with some very painful regrets about the past. I still go back to it from time to time when I need a lift.

Post # 7
1310 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I agree that 6 months is not really that much longer that 2 months. 10 years is not really that long, when it comes to doing the right thing – the right thing is the right thing.

I think you really know what the “right thing” is for yourself, it’s just that your emotions and your attachment to this man who has different ethical beliefs are causing some conflicts.

The most important thing in any relationship is to be true to yourself. When women lose themselves in a relationship and start leaving behind what is important to them in favor of their partner’s priorities, is when it becomes unhealthy and the potential for disaster is great. This internal conflict you are having I am sure is related to the trauma you’ve been recovering from your whole life. A woman who has felt “unlovable” would perhaps have a hard time keeping a separate identity from someone who does express love for them.

You need to examine what you believe, leaving your romantic attraction and his opinions out of it. If a friend approached you with the same question what advice would you give her?

In plain English it sounds like he told you that if you wait 6 more months until your wedding day he might not be OK with that and would consider canceling the wedding. To me that is a big problem and sets off alarms. It is great that he has been patient with you so far, but marriage is a marathon not a sprint. I assume he knew about your beliefs before he proposed? Before you set a date?

Post # 8
229 posts
Helper bee

I think that your decision to wait is a good one. In my relationship, I am also the one who has always wanted to wait, while if it were up to my SO, we would have had sex by now (2.5 yrs into the relationship).

I can relate to what you are saying about feeling guilty… I used to feel this way until I realized that because waiting was important to me, it became important to my SO. I was imagining that he felt rejected/frustrated when really, to him, it was an opportunity for him to show his respect for me and help me hold fast to a very important belief. (I mean, I’m sure there’s some element of frustration– but it’s not as important to him as making sure that I feel like I am being true to myself/my integrity.) Relationships are about compromise, yes, but I don’t think compromise necessarily means picking the middle ground between two people. In cases of “how far to go physically,” I think it is really about supporting the person who wants to go the shorter distance. 

I also know what you mean about wondering if you’ve drawn an arbitrary line between sex and other things. In a sense, all lines are going to be somewhat arbitrary. I think the point here is leaving the most special and intimate experience for marriage. That by saving something very very special for marriage, you are acknowledging just how special marriage is. It’s that point at which we legally (in both human and divine contracts) become one functioning unit. Therefore, I like the symbolism of saving the physical “becoming one” until that moment, too.   

In the grand scheme of things, you really don’t have much waiting time left! I encourage you to continue to wait. I worry that if you do have sex, you’ll regret not waiting, and that guilt may be much stronger than what you have now. I.e., you’ll feel that you did not stay true to yourself/your beliefs.  

Speaking from personal experience, before my SO was fully on board with waiting, it was actually quite helpful to limit my “thinking out loud” conversations with him on this topic. I was  questioning my motives for waiting, wondering if lines were arbitrary, etc. (similar things to what you are doing now)– and I think this honestly made him more confused/frustrated than the actual waiting.  

Hope that this random collection of thoughts is helpful πŸ™‚ I am so glad that you’ve found yourself a wonderful guy. Best wishes!

Post # 9
49 posts
  • Wedding: March 2012

I agree with the previous poster! If he’s willing to wait let him… can make it and it will only build you up for your wedding night.

My situation was slightly similar,: I’m a PK, made my mistakes, but have been celibate for 2 years. When I met my husband, I told him I was celibate on our 2nd date. He’s not “religious” but said it wouldn’t be a problem. I’m not going to say there was never any temptation, but ultimately I knew I would regret it if we crossed any boundaries. Plus, I knew I wanted to marry him, and I wanted our relationship/marriage to be BLESSED.  (correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe the Scripture talks about it being twice as bad, when you KNOW to do good, but you do what you know is wrong…) Anyway, we ended up getting married at the courthouse after dating for 5 months for legal/military reasons, and at this point sex was the least of our concerns (I was actually just ending that “time of the month” SMH) AND he said that he woulda waited 5 years for me (as opposed to the months lol) if he had to.

All that to say, it will be worth it to wait….. no previous experience can compare to becoming one with your HUSBAND.

Post # 11
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@anonybee-2012:  =) Praying together is kinda weird at first….. okay REALLY weird, but it does do amazing things! Darling Husband and I prayed primarily for the purity aspect of our relationship through our engagement. Any time we crossed a line or found ourselves struggling we would just stop and pray together. Sometimes I didn’t want to and sometimes neither of us wanted to BUT it also difused the strife & whatever negative feelings we were having and brought us back to the right perspective! ALWAYS.

I would see if you can find some scriptures particularly for this and pray those together. God says he watches over his word to perform it (Jer 1:12) AND that it WILL accomplish what he set it out to do (Isaiah 55:11)

And yay for praying for him & depending on God to lead him!!! God tells us that we should pray & help our spouse by the “washing of the word” and YES God can do more in his heart & give him more revelation than you ever could…. atleast I know that to be true with me & Darling Husband. When God tells him something there isn’t confusion or that feeling like I’m trying to make something happen. He just “gets it” lol Darling Husband and I are still new at the “washing of the word” thing BUT we have started with him being my Mighty Man of Valor (from the story of Gideon) and I am his Crown of Honor (from proverbs) it’s kinda nerdy but hey I like it. lol

OH and a REALLY amazing book that I think EVERY woman should read is “Captivating” by John & Stasi Eldredge! It was the beginning of my healing, my moms healing (once I FINALLY got her to read it), and we give it to all of the girls that come into our home for women (all of them have a history of some kind of abuse). It’s just for you and NOT a 1, 2, 3, fixer upper but more a book of HOW. MUCH. GOD. LOVES. YOU. That he’s head over heels in love with you and BOY did it change my whole world to REALLY REALLY get that. LOVE IT!

Definitely keep us updated! I’m excited to hear about the new healings God does in your heart & the ways that you & your Fiance can & will grow together =) God’s just so awesome like that when we rely totally on him =)

Post # 12
11456 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

You have written so much, all of it helpful, and there are so many things to which I would like to respond, yet it would be difficult to do so without possibly writing too much.

Before I begin, I want to note two things. First, when I respond to non-Christian beens, I try extremely hard to speak God’s truth to them (afterall, ALL truth is God’s truth, even if it does not sound or seem to be spiritual) ONLY in ways that are relevent to their own personal belief systems, perspectives, and situations, respecting their personal rights to believe whatever they choose to believe, even if I totally disagree with them. If they do not know Christ or have a relationship with Him, they cannot be expected to receive His Word as truth or even have any interest in following it. However, when a Christian bee asks for counsel, and clearly articulates her belief in and desire to follow God’s Word and commands, I want to do what God’s Word tells us to do and that is to speak the truth to her, in love.

I also want to note that I am a Christian bee who waited her entire life for God to bring “the one,” and I did not meet my Darling Husband until I was in my mid-40s! Although I dated a number of guys over the years, and I had some relationships that lasted two-to-three years when I was younger, and I was even engaged once but broke the engagement because I came to the conclusion that my then-FI was not God’s plan for my husband, I did not ever believe in having sex outside of marriage, and by His grace and strength, I did not. It certainly was not always easy to obey God, and I definitely struggled with some smaller areas of compromise (but, clearly, they were still sin) in a few relationships when I was much younger. However, by the time I met Darling Husband, I was absolutely committed to do nothing besides kissing until after we were married. Thankfully, DH was strongly committed to this as well, and we did not go beyond that until after our wedding. It just would NOT have been worth it to us.

First, you mentioned that you are confused.  Please keep in mind that God’s Word clearly tells us that He is not the author of confusion.  Likewise, His word makes clear to us exactly who IS. You must not forget that when we begin to reason and argue against what God has said in his Word, (you can go all the way back to the Garden of Eden for this illustration) we begin to open the door of our hearts and minds to reasoning from the enemy of our souls, whose purpose is to “steal, kill, and destroy.” In contrast, Jesus came to give us “life more abundantly.” Remember what the serpent said to Eve? “Hath God really said…?”

In times when you are confused, try to keep in mind that you can never go wrong by obeying God. Never. Even if your obedience ultimately would cost you something that you feel is extremely precious to you, that thing — or, in this case, that relationship or that person — should not and truly MUST not ever become more important to you than your relationship with God. If it does, your relationship and your life are going to be out of balance, and you are not going to make right decisions and right choices.

What is happening to you is that, although you deeply love your Fiance and want to show him and please him, your SPIRIT loves God and wants to please HIM more. That is the struggle you are having.  The Holy Spirit within you is convicting your spirit that if you have sex with your Fiance before you are married, you will be disobeying God. It is actually a VERY GOOD sign that you are feeling this prompting — that you would be 100 percent happy with waiting. It proves that your spirit is sensitive to God’s spirit.  It’s not at all surprising that your flesh and even your emotions would want to align with the enemy’s reasoning. Paul writes in great detail in Romans about this struggle of our flesh with our spirit-man.  The struggle is very normal. However, God’s truth, and the right answers to this question are still very clear.

It’s important for you to do what the Word of God tells us to do and to fix your eyes on Jesus, whom the Bible calls the “author and finisher” of our faith.  It’s important that you fill your heart and mind with God’s Word and His truth, and that you make the decision — the willful choice — to obey Him, even when everything in the natural realm — and even when our culture and many of the people you know — would disagree with your choice. By doing this, even though your body and emotions may still feel the temptation to give in to these desires before your wedding, you will have aligned your spirit and mind with God’s will and will more easily recognize what is right in every situation. Also, by spending more time with Jesus, your love for Him will continue to grow, and your relationship with Him will become more alive to you. When we put Him, and His Word, and His priorities first, He promises to take care of the rest, even if some of us have/had to wait a very long time for what we’ve hoped for in our lives. 

Finally, do NOT believe the enemy’s lie that because you are no longer a virgin, or because you and your Fiance have gone far physically that you may as well go ahead and yield to the temptation to have intercourse. God’s word is very clear that if we are truly sorry for our transgressions, and we confess our sins to Him and ask Him to forgive us, He will.  His Word says that His mercies are new every morning. You and your Fiance CAN begin again in this area of your relationship. I would encouage you both to read what God’s Word says about sexual purity outside of marriage and to commit together to obey God and honor His Word in this area as the next step along your path to marriage. You may want to talk with the pastor who is marrying you and will be doing your pre-marriage counseling about this as well. I also would encourage you to take whatever measures you may need to take to help you keep that commitment. That may include spending much less time alone together. 

Six months is really not a very long time.  With a renewed commitment, and the power and strength of the Holy Spirit, you can make it!  By the way, if you ever want to PM me, I would be happy to communicate further.

Post # 13
11456 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@runsyellowlites:  As always, you provided the OP with excellent counsel! And I LOVE the Mighty Man of Valor and Crown of Honor references! Beautiful and powerful!

Also, I read and LOVED Captivating, too! (I even read Wild at Heart so that I would better understand Godly men.) 

By the way, I don’t know if you and your Darling Husband have read it yet, but John ane Stasi’s latest book, Love and War was pehnomenal! I learned SO much from that book and recommend it to couples who are married or who are in the process of preparing for marriage.

Post # 14
2067 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I feel like you’ve gotten enough advice (and great, sound advice!) from other bees – So I don’t need to add to that πŸ™‚
I just want to say that waiting is possible! πŸ™‚ And, I would absolutely say that physical touch is high (if not my #1) on my love language list… It was hard to wait (we didn’t even kiss until about 2 weeks before the wedding)… It was SO hard to wait – But, I realized that my Fiance wasn’t rejecting me, instead he was valuing me! And expressing love to such a great degree that he was willing to wait.  I have no doubt that your Fiance will be willing to do the same thing! I know 6 months feels long, I remember those days, but it really does fly by!  You can do it πŸ™‚ You’re so close!

Post # 15
7289 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Just wanted to pop in and say I’m loving this thread and all the awesome support our fellow  Bees have given !

It is a very hard subject matter but nothing is to difficult for Thee ( our Great and Mighty God) πŸ˜‰

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