I'm so desperately jealous of my younger sister

posted 2 weeks ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
26 posts
Newbee

Have you actually spoken to him about wanting to get married? Is it possible he doesn’t know how important it is to you? So tell him no more babies until you are married.

You have your daughter who is the most important thing in the world. Everything else comes second- owning a home, having a high powered career etc. Being a parent is the most important job (if you can call it that) in the world and this is coming from someone who isn’t one! 

I’m sure you love your sister so just be happy for her. Comparison is the thief of joy. I’ve always struggled with this myself and compared myself to everyone and it just made me miserable, not a better person. You never know what struggles she is facing/may face.

Post # 4
Member
4522 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

thesolitaryone :  From your post you seem to be focusing on the wedding more than the marriage.  Frankly all the things you partner is focusing on, your child, having a home, saving for the future absolutely should come before a wedding.  It sucks if you always wanted a wedding but frankly life happens and it doesn’t do you any good to be bitter that other things get in the way of spending money on a wedding.  

If you care about the wedding why don’t you up your hours slightly and use the extra money as a wedding pot? It sounds like he isn’t comfortable spending money on a wedding when it could go towards setting your family up for the future and you can’t really complain about that.  Think of the pressure you are putting on him right now, wanting a wedding, wanting him to be the main financial provider for the family and wanting him to take a job that pays less?  Those things don’t go together. 

Would you be willing to just get married without the wedding?   Would he? 

Post # 5
Member
42 posts
Newbee

Hi lovely!

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this. ๐Ÿ™

I want you to know that every single person’s life journey is different, there’s no right or wrong and the way you have led your life is something you should be proud of, it’s yours and it’s perfect because it’s you! 

I also want you to know it’s normal to feel jealous, related or not it’s normal – what I would recommend is to make a list of things YOU would like to do, whether it’s get a new outfit, spend the day with your child and take her somewhere, get your nails done, etc. You also need to be taken care of too (I’m sure you’re a terrific mum!) especially on the days you feel the most sad.

As for your partner, maybe try sitting down with him and setting a timeline for goals, etc? that’s what I did with my partner, I said I’d like to be moved in together by end of 2020, he agreed… and so on… because that way both of you have that say and agree or organise but you both feel like you’re progressing in life and in your relo. ๐Ÿ™‚

As a side note (I’m sorry if my response is all over the place lol! just in a lil rush) but people regardless of the circumstances are going to judge, say crap, etc. who cares about them, it ain’t their life! live your life and focus on your happiness and being the best mum possible. ๐Ÿ™‚ 

xx

Post # 6
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

thesolitaryone :  This relationship is raising a number of potential red flags, starting with, could you clarify what you mean by you need to work part time for your sanity?

Post # 7
Member
3957 posts
Honey bee

A ring isn’t a marriage.

So once again…have you talked to him about marriage?

Not rings, not superficial aspects of a wedding…marriage.

Have you talked to him about why marriage is so important to you?  Or are you conflating wedding with marriage and what you actually care about is a wedding?  Because a marriage doesn’t require a ring.  Getting married costs nothing more than the required license and other legal documentation required to marry and an officiant.

 

ETA:  Also, if you don’t like your life or don’t feel like you’ve accomplished things, you have the capacity to change it.  Take classes part-time towards a field you love.  Start working out if you’re displeased with your level of fitness.  Instead of whinging on about how you aren’t good with money and using it as an excuse to limit yourself and remain dependent on others…educate yourself and learn to be good with money.  There’s all sorts of financial advice books/programs out there (for free – check books out from the library and download some podcasts).  All of that is within the power of your control once you stop throwing yourself pity parties and find more productive uses for your time.

Post # 8
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - City, State

anonymousbee001 :  Not OP, but I know many women who feel this way and I don’t think it’s necessarily a red flag for a relationship. It’s not easy to be home alone with a young child all day every day. I actually have a good friend who left her young kids with their grandparents for 10-15 hours a week so she could work. Financially, she didn’t need to but psychologically she needed to get out of the house and have some professional/adult interactions for a few hours each week. 

Post # 9
Member
6797 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with others, you sounds jealous of your sister having a wedding not of her having a marriage. 

You need to have a talk with him about the future and what he sees in regards to the two of you getting married. I can only base my opinion on what you’ve written but based on that, he doesn’t want to marry you. If he did, you’d be engaged and or married by now. You either need to get some answers from him or move on. If marriage is important to you don’t settle on someone who doesn’t plan on marrying you. If I’m being 100% honest my perception is you KNOW he isn’t going to marry you but you like the financial freedom of being taken care of and not having to worry about dealing with money. 

Only WE can hold ourselves back from moving forward in life, not other people. Him not proposing isn’t holding you back because at any time you can decide you want and are worth more than that and move on. 

 

Post # 10
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I find this submission super concerning.

 

Bee, you are financially dependent on someone to whom you’re not married. I understand you’ve made some financial mistakes, but that doesn’t mean you’re destined to never handle money again. If I am reading this right, you live in a house that is in his name only, and he’s looking at buying an investment property, again with only his name. He is building equity and creating a future income stream, and if he broke up with you tomorrow you’d have no way to support yourself.

 

You need to take a more proactive approach in planning your own financial future. Right now, he doesn’t want to get married. He may never want to get married. You need a backup plan that does not rely on someone else. What if he breaks up with you? Or god forbid, is killed in an accident? Has he taken any steps to protect you or your daughter in that event?

 

You need to figure out a plan. So you’ve made some financial missteps. Can you take a financial planning class? Or credit counseling? Since you say you have everything you need, can you start putting money away and building your own nest egg? Is there a course you can take that would raise your income potential? Or a degree you could pursue?

Post # 11
Member
9470 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I’m going to be harsh on you: I also would not marry someone who cannot be trusted with money and only works part time “for their sanity”. 

Do you think these two things could also be part of his releuctance to marrying you?

Post # 12
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

thepuzzledpeach :  I think you misunderstand. I agree that her feelings are reasonable and valid; the potential red flags pertain more to the boyfriend’s excuses and hesitancy to marry and provide her the protections marriage affords, the financial control, that she believes she is “awful” with money (how much of this belief and the belief she can only work part time is biased by her boyfriend and circumstances?), and the possibly unplanned pregnancy only a year or less into the relationship, to name a few.

Post # 13
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Are you happy? No comparison allowed – someone’s life might look better on paper or get more approval, but it doesn’t equate to happiness which is really what matters. No matter what decisions you’ve made, you deserve to be happy. Do you have the insurance or resources to try some talk therapy to help get your mind grounded? It can be immensely helpful. Long story, but I was feeling like I was in a mess of a situation before and didn’t have much to bring to the table. For me what worked was changing my mindset and allowing myself a lot of grace. My therapist was great and really helped so so much. If what you really want is a marriage, you may need to evaluate if you’re with someone who is seriously willing to offer marriage. It doesn’t cost much. I got married with a justice of the peace and that plus all the paperwork was under $200. Maybe you need a more fulfilling job? If so, look into serious pathways for making that happen. I’d stop thinking about your sister and start thinking about yourself. Prioritizing yourself and your happiness is a great first step. 

FWIW it’s hard when kids are super young and need so much support. It really can restrict a lot of options and keep you tethered. It’s temporary though. You’re doing an awesome job of raising your daughter and dealing if your partner is gone a lot. My son is 1.5 and I know it isn’t easy.

Post # 14
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

You are partners, you get to have 50% of the say in the relationship. A marriage isn’t a wedding. You could be married by this weekend if you both wanted to be. 

That said, you seem to not have direction in life. It’s great and all that you love your daughter and that you don’t need the money from working, but you need SOME kind of purpose and interests outside of her and a small job. Volunteer somewhere meaningful, go back to college (even online), start an Etsy shop, you get the idea. Work on YOURSELF so you realize that you are more than just a dependent. 

As for the whole money thing, what sticks out to me is that you said you don’t know how to be responsible. So learn! ๐Ÿ™‚ You should learn to be responsible with money – or anything – so you aren’t dependent on a man or anyone else. While we always hope our partners live forever and our relationships are perfect, things happen, and where would that leave you if you had no job skills, no money handling skills, and no idea where to start? 

Post # 15
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

For what it’s worth, I think the posters who suggest you are focusing more on the wedding than the marriage are making a superficial assessment; it seems more that the jealousy over your sister’s wedding is more symptomatic of your overall discontent for your situation.

Additionally, I actually disagree with and find harmful the assertion that women who are mothers are defined first by that role, and that the role of mother should take precedent over other identities.

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors