Post # 1
Regular bee going anon
Theres nothing more I want to do than marry my wonderful man. I love him so much but Im sacrificing so much and im so scared about my future
I will be moving to FI city, more importantly around FI family. At first, I didnt think much of it – Me and FI lived in a different country away from our family for 2 years and everything was fine. I was excited about a fresh start and didnt think twice about it really plus i didnt want to go home and i dont want to stay in the country im living in now.
Now with the wedding coming up I am so scared!!! Ive come to realise that although his family welcome me with open arms I will never be one of them. Certain member of his family has been horrible and she comes first. I guess this is only natural but Im moving so far away from anyone who has my best interest at heart and is just going to love me unconditionally. Except FI I have no body and of course he has some type of loyalty to his family.
Im also feeling the enormous weight of guilt about moving away from all my family and friends. Thinking about our children, his family will be their main influence and my family will have very little input. My mother will just be grandma in another country – this is not what I want!!! but theres nothing else i can do, we had to live somewhere. We had to choose a country. Our families are quite different and I want there to be this balance in our childrens lives. Instead, his sister who i cant stand will probably have more influence than any of my siblings.
I dont want become another family anyway I have a family. I love them so much. Visas coming through, marriage happening very soon … I dont know what to do
Post # 3
Oh dear what a horrible situation 🙁 ***hugs***
I understand you had to pick a country etc and get the process going but (because I have no idea how it works!?) does that mean you have to stay there forever? Is there not the option that by the time you start having kids that maybe you could move back to be closer to your family? I would never want to be in the positon where by Mum was a Grandmother in a different country. I think that when I have kids I will want my Mum as close as possible.
Post # 4
I can imagine how scary this must all seem, but rest assured that technology can make things a lot easier! It’s still not the same as living in the same country as your parents, but it helps. My brother (and sister-in-law & my niece & nephew) live here in Melbourne, but grew up in New Zealand. Mum and dad are still in Auckland with the rest of our extended family. Whilst they miss being fully hands-on grandparents, it’s amazing how Facetime and Skype can make us all feel more connected. I was actually home with my brother for our nan’s funeral last weekend and we skyped my SIL & the kiddos and it was hysterical! But we got to see my 13 month old nephew tottering around (he’s just learned how to walk), listen to my niece’s crazy excitement over her new Cinderella barbie etc etc etc. It’s not the same as being there, but it’s certainly better than it was even five years ago. I FaceTime my parents multiple times a week and it makes such a difference – my first year in Australia I didn’t even have skype an just having telephone calls was really isolating but actually getting to see them so often is awesome.
Take care and good luck!
Post # 5
@noidea: Im in the same situation. In my case, his whole family is wonderful and from the first day I met them they made me feel like Im home.
But still it is hard when I look at the whole picture, meaning, one day, I will grow old in his country. It is only a 80 min flight away from my country, but still.
I have the same thoughts like you. But because of his job I think we will be living in a few more different countries over the next 10 years, which I love! I love living in different places. But I think the feeling of knowing after his career Im “stuck” in his country is scary.
I dont really know what to tell you. I only have this feeling every now and then. I think it will get worse once we have kids though.On top I have to change my religion from catholic to orthodox, which is not much different, but still. And our wedding will be in his country and I will only have about 15 guests (its a monday….) and he will have about 180. Everything will be different, than I imagined my wedding. But I just keep reminding myself how many women would give anything to have a wonderful man like me and to have given this great life I’ve been given, since I met him.
All I can say is remind yourself how wonderful your FI is and that he should be the most important person in your life, becauses he will grow old with you!
But believe me, Im right there with ya. It is hard. It’s actually the only “bad” thing I can say about my FI. Besides that there is nothing that bothers me about him, like litereally nothing. And we spent 20-24 hours (he only works 2 hours a day, so with driving there it’s maximal 3-4 hours) with each other every single day!
And remember, you never know what will happen. Maybe he will get a great offer in your country one day or for some other reasons you will have to move. And also remember, nowadays flights dont cost the whole world anymore. You can always go see your fam or have them visiting you, just make sure you got some extra room for visitors.
Sending you a hug!
Post # 6
I live far away from my family in another country and I think it is really good that you are taking this so seriously. It IS a big deal. I have lived abroad now 17 years and I still notice that everyone forgets that I have no family to visit when things are tough or I want to get away. When there are family problems there is no one to take my side and worst of all everyone forgets that I left everything behind and am very much alone with a lot of issues.
The amazing thing is, though this ihas been (and sometimes still is) tough and difficult, it has also been the most amazing enriching experience I think I could have had! I am proud of the person I have become because I live outside of my culture and often outside of my comfort zone. Living abroad has tought me to be strong and self sufficient and thankful for things others take for granted. It has tought me to be incredibly patient with myself and others and to see beauty in new experiences. It has also showed me how important partnership and trust is. You can love (and be cherished in) your relationship with your future husband in a deeper way because you have chosen to be with him and move your life. He may sometimes forget this, but that is natural. But he will feel it in his heart and love you more for it.
Things have changed since I moved away. Now there is skype and facebook and blogs. So many ways to feel close to your family and friends even when they are far away. You will see that this can work out AND be good.
You seem like a strong and practical person, you’ve lived away before and I am impressed with your dedication to your partnership.
It’ll be good. You’ll be fine. If things get rough or rocky hang in there. It passes. It truly does.
Post # 7
I see you moved to Germany 🙂 That’s where Im from!
Post # 8
@Shesaidyes: Forgot to “tag” you in my last comment. What part of Germany are u living in?
Post # 9
@noidea: I’m sure this must be overwhelming and extremely upsetting to you. It would be for me.
Although I did not have to leave my country, I did have to leave behind my life in another state (along with 25 years worth of the most wonderful friends, an amazing church, a fantastic career, and a lifestyle that was very familiar to and comfortable for me) to relocate to be with my DH and his children in a very small town in another state. I had to give up my world for theirs. My entire life had to change, while theirs only had to change in certain, but still significant, ways. This was extremely challenging for me, and I did not have to leave my country like you will have to do.
I’m not going to tell you not to marry your FI. HOWEVER, I WILL tell you that the things that are bothering you are extremely important. You cannot and must not attempt to evaluate your relationship and decision apart from these factors. Unless or until you and your FI are able to come to a very different agreement about your future NOW — BEFORE THE MARRIAGE — you can not reasonably expect these things that are bothering you to ever change. If you agree to make this very dramatic move, you will have to experience the results of that decision, and they will be far reaching in ways you have yet to imagine. Please do not move forward thinking that somehow you can ignore or change these factors once you marry him.
I am so sorry you are experiencing such pain and turmoil. I pray that you will make the right decision for you. HUGS!!
Post # 10
As one with family scattered across the US, in Australia, Japan, Malaysia and Canada, I can assure you that your fears are making things worse than they are. I’ve lived hours away from my parents since I was 18, and we’re still close! My best friend and I haven’t been in the same state for more than 15 years. FB, Skype, Facetime are all great ways to keep in touch. It’s not the technological dark ages, we’re not relying on letters that take weeks to arrive! You don’t need to be physically close to someone to be emotionally with them. My Dad is a grandparent to kids in 3 different countries. They still know and love their grandpa. YOU are the one who chooses the early influences in your child’s life. It’s not a negative if you make it that way.
Post # 11
@noidea: If you are having 2nd thought then maybe you should wait?I understand that moving can be scary but mak sure you branch out and make your own new friends etc there. As to your family perhaps there is a way to still visit. Why did you two choose his city? Perhaps there is better oppertunity? If you only have cold fet because of the fear of a new city and being away from family this is normal. I am not going to tell you if you should get married or not because that is your decision. I will suggest though that you spend some time alone and get to the bottom of your feelings before the wedding.
Post # 12
@SoonToBee2013: I live near Frankfurt! And you?