(Closed) I’m so sick of apologizing for my daughter’s behavior

posted 8 years ago in Parenting
Post # 3
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I can’t imagine what you’re experiencing.  My half sister actually has two autistic children, one has aspergers and is high functioning but the other has a more severe form. Don’t apologize unless she actually makes physical contact and it’s their loss if they want to jump to conclusions.  People are quick to judge w/o understanding the circumstances, with children I try to be very understanding and patient.  Try to ignore other people the best you can and as for family, I’d start distancing myself and my child if they’re going to be dismissive.

Post # 5
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

People are cruel. I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you. I do have twin cousins who are autistic. One is high functioning and the other is almost non-functional to the point where nobody can control him and he isn’t even potty-trained (they’re 7 and MUCH larger than my 13 year old brother).

Sending thoughts your way because I really don’t have any advice for you. 🙁

Post # 6
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@SoontobeMrsA:  You’re the mom, try to be more assertive and state that better parenting doesn’t always yield what others want and that you love your child, and you know you’re doing is what’s best for her!  Tell them that she has special abilities that come with her but that she struggles with other things just like other children (to some degree).

Post # 9
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@SoontobeMrsA:  Is she interested in something particular?  Do you think you could find a group activity that combines her interests and other children or even adults?  Some children really thrive on interaction with others when it’s a shared interest.  I don’t really have much experience with autistic kids so I could be way off base here. I would just try to focus as much on how gifted she is which seems that you are doing that.  It’s hard because people like normal/average and sometimes when people don’t fit into that they’re ostracized.  I think surrounding yourself with like-minded people (maybe a high functioning parents group) could give you good advice and support.

Post # 10
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Of course you love your daughter, our kids are gifted to us for a reason. I know it’s easy to feel broken, but it’s time to be strong. If you weren’t strong you wouldn’t have been trusted with her.

If people want to be assholes, that’s their problem. Next time someone acts up tell them to let you know when their parenting seminar is and you’ll be sure to attend.

Post # 11
Member
3316 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Welcome to the club!  My son has Asperger’s, and I heard all the same comments while he was growing up.  I would try to explain to teachers, only to have them basically take the view that I just wasn’t disciplining him right.  I remember one in particular who always discounted my explanations of Asperger’s, convinced that we were doing something wrong in our parenting to make him that way.  Two years later, my daughter was in that same teacher’s class.  When I showed up for the parent-teacher conference, the teacher did a complete double-take.  It was clear that he had not thought it possible that my “perfect student” daughter could possibly have grown up with the same parents as my son.

What ultimately helped with my son was when he got involved in role-playing games like Dungeons & Dragons.  That had two benefits.  First, his impressive intelligence and ability to remember all the rules meant that he was welcome in those games, even if his social skills were a bit lacking.  And second, each of the characters in a role-playing game will have some combination of strengths, e.g., the character might have an intelligency of 10 but a charisma of 2.  My son learned to recognize personality traits in his friends by analogizing to the characters in his games, so he’d say that a real friend had an intelligence of 10 but a charisma of 2.

The good news is that at 29, my son has graduated with college with a straight-A average, was recently married, has a good job as a computer programmer, and just bought a house.   He has used his intelligence to develop a complex series of rules on how to act in various social situations, that help him to overcome the social issues associated with Asperger’s.

So the bad news is, there aren’t any easy ways of getting people to recognize what is going on.  But the good news is, you are helping her learn to overcome her disadvantages and maximize her strengths.  Your seeing her as perfect helps to avoid the self-esteem issues that kids with Asperger’s often have.  At the same time, your calmly apologizing and explaining when she is (even without knowing it) being disruptive shows her where she is having trouble, and strategies for minimizing the social impact of what she does.

Post # 12
Member
2907 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Hugs.

 

I second that people are cruel.

Post # 13
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

People make me sick.  Everyone is so self-absorbed and too busy to be patient, even with children, these days… 

I have to say, thank you for being such a wonderful mom.  Really, I mean that.  It breaks my heart every time I see a kid just being a kid in a store, and the mom or dad is yelling at them or threatening them.  So thank you, for being so kind, patient, understanding, and loving towards your daughter. She is SO lucky to have a mom that cares enough to worry about these things! 

I can’t even begin to imagine how EXHAUSTING that must be for you to have such an active kid (kids are tiring as it is!), let alone to have to worry about all the ignorant adults in this world…!

I’m sure you’ve thought of this already, and probably already tried, but the only thing I can think of is having a heart-to-heart with those in your family that don’t understand, or maybe even having your daughter’s doctors talk to them about it.

As for the other people (like in stores), those that are giving you attitude will continue to do so even if there is a valid reason for your daughter’s behavior.  All you can do is pray that they never have a child that needs extra patience and love, you know?

 

Post # 14
Member
10366 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Have you ever watched the TV show Parenthood? One of the couples have a child with Asperger’s, and it’s been really great to see them deal with the diagnosis and everyday life. My cousin has it, too, and it’s one of the few times i’ve been able to see something relateable played out. I hope, as Austism becomes more public and understood, that people will realize that some children can’t control what sets them off, and save the judgement for situations they understand. Until then, when I am out with my cousin, I remember that I will never see those people again, and that instead of scratching the surface and realizing how brilliantly smart he is, all they do is stay in their judmental boxes. Kids with spectrum disorders can sometimes have the most extraordinary gifts…if only people would take the time to see it.

Post # 15
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

She sounds like an amazing girl, I don’t think that you are her parent on accident and it might not feel like it right now, but these situations will make you both stronger. I can’t imagine how hard the difficult times are. You sound like an amazing, patient and understanding mom. People suck and there is nothing that can be done about that. Maybe there is a support group or something online where other parents can come together and help each other and share experiences, like 2dbride’s.

Post # 16
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I was just going to mention “Parenthood” too!  You could do what Adam (the dad) did, and just punch the next person that says something to you in the face!  That seemed to help him!!  =D   (I LOVE that show…!)

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