I’m so torn, any advice? Cancel big wedding?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

You need to open up and talk to your fiancé. It sounds like the traditional wedding is important to him so this needs to be a discussion and agreeement between the both of you. He’s about to be your partner for life, let him be your team mate now with helping you work through all this!

Post # 3
Member
382 posts
Helper bee

I came into our wedding process wanting a no-frills courthouse wedding (for many of the reasons you described) and my Fiance wanted a traditional wedding.  We spent a long time working through potential compromises.  We looked at different venues and locations and potential guest list configurations and narrowed it down to two options: a small, 40-person wedding at a dreamy B&B in the woods of Aptos, CA (near Santa Cruz) or an overseas elopement just the two of us.  Together, we decided on the latter.  The stresses are minor and the money is going directly towards us and our enjoyment.  No regrets.

$500 is a drop in the bucket compared to how much you will spend on the wedding.  Tell your Fiance sooner rather than later about how you feel.  And if it is really important to him to have a bigger wedding, then he should take charge of planning it. He would probably prefer you be excited about the big day and not stressed and unhappy.  

Post # 4
Member
3837 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Talk to him! He might be more open to it than you think, or at the least you might be able to cut down the guest list a bit. He should also understand that he can’t leave you to do all the work for a big wedding yourself.

As for the deposit, I wouldn’t really factor that in. After all, a smaller wedding would save you far more than $500 so it’s a moot point. $500 is not a lot as deposits go.

Post # 5
Member
9995 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I had similar thoughts. We still did the big wedding (biggish 60 guests). I don’t regret it at all. I absolutely loved our wedding and had a blast.

In a few years we are going to do a vow renewal, just the two of us in the woods with a photographer to satisfy my craving for that kind of event. So kind of the best of both worlds but I’m glad we shared our wedding day with so many who love us.

Post # 6
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: August 2018

I totally hear you. Planning a wedding can be crazy stressful and sometimes it feels like putting so much energy into all those small details can take away from what the wedding is really about.

One of the most important parts of a marraige is open and honest communication. I think it would be helpful if you expressed your thoughts on the wedding to him. You don’t have to go into it saying, “I don’t want this anymore, we are cancelling out wedding,” but rather, you can say something like, “I am so excited about the fact that we are getting married. I love you and can’t wait to celebrate with our friends and family, but I’m concered about what the celebration is going to look like. [insert concerns]. What do you think about that?” That way, you’re making it more of an open discussion between the two of you guys. It might also be helpful to write out a list of the aspects of a wedding that are important to each of you guys and see what you both have in common. That might help you guys figure out what sort of wedding will feel best for the both of you. 

Post # 7
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

This happened to me…and I don’t regret cancelling one bit. Obviously this is a deeply personal decision and you need to have an honest conversation with your FH, but you don’t want to be miserable on your wedding day.

We had a place booked, and were planning a small wedding (less than 50ppl) close to home.  We had a second meeting with the coordinators at the venue and when we walked out just got this feeling like all this wasn’t for us, but we were both too afraid to mention it to each other for fear of dissapointing the other. Finally after a few days we broke down and talked. We cancelled our reservation and we are now planning a small “elopement” in Rocky Mountain National Park with just immediate family and a couple close friends. While planning even a small wedding from a distance can be stressful. We are saving a TON of money and we are now extremely excited about our day ! Go with your gut, it’s usually right!

Post # 8
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Hi!

Not sure if this will help or not, but due to my family being completely drifted apart (including my relationship with my parents) I always said if we ever got married I want to just fly to Vegas with our daughter and a best friend each and have it done. We are from the UK and I work in travel so would be relatively cheap too, plus the web link would mean family and friends could watch.

 

However, with work I did get offered a free wedding in Antigua so we were looking to plan it til people couldn’t afford it or were too scared to fly. That’s when I realised how important it was for certain people to be there.

 

Now we are getting married in Scotland, I would say Gretna Green but apparently it’s just outside! We have like 70 guests and I am now looking forward to a more “traditional” wedding because I am only going to get this day once. We decided on this location because it gives us a beautiful wedding that we would get closer to home but within a package that isn’t busting our savings. So we get a biggish wedding that’s cheap and cheerful. Is there anywhere like that around you?

As another bee said, you can renew your vows in your dream wedding setting at a later date. However, I agree with everyone else about speaking to your partner. My other half is really involved with our wedding (more so than me at times!) and it is both of your day so you can make an afternoon of brainstorming ideas for a compromise maybe?

Sorry for a novel! Hope it all works out and keep us updated! X

Post # 9
Member
388 posts
Helper bee

Thing is, this isn’t just your wedding.

When my husband and I discussed weddings (even before we got engaged) I told him I’d rather elope, have the dress, the photographer and just us – and he said he couldn’t imagine not getting married with all his family and friends. Fair enough, it’s his wedding too and he had his own dreams about it. 

You need to have an open discussion with your fiance – you need to be on the same page. And if you’re not into all the centerpieces and invites and seating charts perhaps that’s something your fiance can do? Perhaps you can still have the venue but invite less people?

I’m sure there are ways to find middle ground so you both can have the wedding you want. 

 

 

Post # 10
Member
1842 posts
Buzzing bee

We are currently going through this exact situation. Minus the deposit. I hate people and and just want it to be us, he loves everyone and wants to host a giant music festival as our wedding. We are coming to compromises but you really need to be open. If he has promised to love you forever that means forever even if you do t have the same thoughts. Hash it out and find a compromise you are both happy with. Maybe a small intimate wedding with just you and parents in the woods and then a nice reception at a Resturant with more people for him. Try bringing up the stress of wedding planning and how you would much rather have the money and time to spend together as a couple 

Post # 11
Member
3446 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Definitely talk to him. It can be hard but I found that when Darling Husband was Fiance and I was getting frustrated planning this big ish wedding of 60 (when we agreed on 40) he didn’t really get it bc he wasn’t very involved. We originally wanted casual, 40 ppl or less, catered by our fave restaurant at a gorgeous park at the very top of the hill from where we live and me in a red or black dress. Not a fan of white on myself. Then plans changed and it was 60 ppl, my dad stepped in and offered to pay for a little over half which nixed the park idea since he wasn’t thrilled with it, pretty wood tables and umbrella decor be damned. We ended up with a lovely but cookie cutter venue and dry wedding chicken (which I despise) that Fiance thought would be great based on the tasting. Nope! So for our 1 year anniversary we get to do things our way. Which we’re happy with but we both would have preferred sticking with our original plan for the wedding. Communication is key. 😊 You can do it.

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