(Closed) I'm so upset over my cousins weight gain

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

anonbee97531: You sounds like a very caring person. I agree w/PP who kindly suggested that you reach out to him but don’t mention his weight. Just continue be there- and keep asking him out to events. Someday he will be ready to take you up on the invitation. 

Post # 32
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I’m glad you got some support here. People act like you shouldn’t be concerned when someone gains an enormous amount of weight, probably due to depression, and will likely cut his life short by years or even decades. It’s destructive behavior, so of course you are concerned for him. I’m glad you reached out and opened the door to a relationship with him. 

Post # 33
Member
2912 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

Before you interact with him, I would urge you to do your best to remember all the things about him that make him the person you love and try to set aside your feelings about his body. I suspect that one of the reasons he pulled away from his close relationship with you was that he saw how people treated his mother before her weight loss surgery and he is very very self conscious about what is being said behind his back. He is almost certainly worried that people are judging him, which you are (even if it comes from a place of love.) Do not think about his body. That is his to deal with, or not, as he chooses. Think about his heart. Reach out to him from that place of love and try to connect if that’s what you want to do, but do it because you know who he is as a person and because you want him in your life so you can both make each other’s lives better — not because you want to “help fix him,” because if that’s where you are coming from, he will know and probably continue to push you away.

Post # 34
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Um I would be really pissed if someone from years ago reached out to me and pointed out that I got fat. I know you didn’t say that you would point that out or anything, but if that was the only reason that my friend was reaching out to me, because I’ve gained weight and they were “concerned,” I’d would say Go Get A Life. I’m happy. Me and my fat butt are very happy. LOL.

PS. Weight is not everything in this world.

Post # 35
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

anonbee97531:  His appearance on the outside shows the pain/sadness he’s feeling ok the inside. His avoidance of you is him feeling ashamed and very likely clinically depressed. I would reach out and focus on how he’s doing/feeling and how much you miss him. You could say, Insaw your picture on Facebook and it made me realize how much I miss you. Please meet me for coffee/whatever. Don’t mention his weight, but if he knows that you saw his photo, he will know that you are aware that he’s gained. Good luck and best wishes!

Post # 36
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

ohplease:  There are many people who are fat and happy, but a lot of times it can be a symptom of something else. OP is worried about her cousins for reasons that sound like depression (withdrawal and weight gain are signs of that) and she should reach out to him because she loves him. 

Post # 37
Member
188 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Maybe he has a thyroid problem though. And it has nothing to do with depression. (Me). Maybe he really loves to cook and bake (me). Maybe his favorite thing to do is look up recipes and cook awesome meals for people (me). Look, i understand wanting to reach out because she is probably a nice person and still misses the friendship. But he didn’t want the friendship. So why is she pushing. Because he gained weight? Who cares. His weight should be no concern of hers. If she wants to reach out because he looks sad? ok then. reach out to him. But weight should have nothing to do with it.

 

Yes I will admit that I already passed judgement before I even read the post. I read the title and immediately though “Oh geez. Another person who feels that it is their duty to tell someone else that their weight isn’t acceptable to them.” He already knows he’s overweight. Then to read that so he gained weight then she cried about it? She cried because he gained weight? Did i really read that right?

 

I just really really don’t understand why someone else’s weight would cause you to be upset. My coworker is a very very big guy. I don’t cry over him or try to talk to him about his weight! I would never do that!

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by  ohplease.
Post # 38
Member
2399 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

HaaaveYouMetTed:  Totally agree. It’s one thing to be one someone about a few pounds even 20 or 30 but to gain 100+ especially not being pregnant or anything liket that I would find alarming. Fiance and I were watching an episode of My 600lb Life and this woman was so big she couldn’t walk, she hadn’t left the house in years and she said they could not longer be intimate. And she got really mad because her boyfriend (also her sole care giver) had been messaging other women. I totally get it. Now if he was going behind her back because he just thougth she was chubby and was being a jerk then screw him. And sure cheating is always wrong. But there are a lot of ways to be unfaithful imo. And she was doing that by eating herself to death. Fiance and I were on the same page. Yes it may be for better or worse but in the same sense I would leave if he was binge drinking every day, or using heroin or something I would leave if not only was he so big that I had to be a round the clock nurse, but also making no effort in getting better then it’s not much difference. And Fiance and I both gained at least 40 lbs each since being together.

I TOTALLY understabnd where OP is coming from. I had a friend who moved away and I would try to talk to her often depsite not hearing much from her. Then I saw a photo of her, she was rail thin, her face looked skeletal and I suspected she was doing hard drugs. I sent her a really long message telling her that she has a lot of people who really care about her, and that she had lots of people at home who could help her if she ever needed it. And that she is a beautiful person who deserves to be happy. etc. Now she is doing MUCH better. She never really responded to what I said but we are still friends on facebook and she has talked to me about other things. I didn’t even care that we weren’t that close. And while instead of getting really big she got really small I still understand fearing for someone you care about’s health. But you don’t have to do it in a negative way or bring up anything about weight really. 

Post # 39
Member
2399 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

ohplease:  I don’t think it’s necessarily just his “gaining weight” that just is what shocked her is that it was a drastic change since she saw him last. Coupled with his major change in attitude I can see why she would be worried. It could go both ways like in my post. I had a friend who pulled away and then when I saw her next she was so thin that it was scary. Not in a body policing way but in a way where she was very clearly not well. Or my dad, he looks like an inshape guy for his age but after his heart attack I was so paranoid about his smoking or eating habbits. I know it’s not my business but I don’t want him doing things that could kill him faster. 

Post # 40
Member
11469 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

lolot:  I love the idea of a hike. Studies show sunshine and fresh air and mild exercise can do the same as anti depressants (obviously not for folks who have a chemical imbalance, but for mild cases of depression or those brought on by circumstances). It can’t hurt. 

I’d tell cousin hey, I’m coming by x day, put on your walking shoes, we’re going on an adventure! Depressed people often need the helper to take the lead, don’t ask for input. Yes, it’s annoying, but love is not always about being loved, sometimes it’s about being the annoying person who pushes a loved one, says the hard thing. 

Post # 42
Member
1565 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

anonbee97531:  You’re not an asshole! Please don’t believe that just because a few doofuses here apparently lack reading comprehension and misinterpreted what you said. To those of us who don’t get all touchy at the mention of weight, you seem caring and kind and wonderful. 

Post # 43
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s an unwritten rule on this board that any time someone mentions excess weight, ten posters need to jump down your throat and tell you how evil you are. I was actually modded for the most innocuous thing – daring to suggest that sex was better if you felt confident about your appearance, which a lot of people do not because of extra weight. 

So there’s nothing wrong with what you said, it’s that this board is filled with people who take every [email protected] thing personally and get enormously defensive. Continue to reach out to your cousin, you’re obviously a very caring person. 

Post # 44
Member
3064 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

anonbee97531:  Yikes! I don;t know why people are flaming you so much! Jeeze! I would just send him a message saying you miss him and dont know what happened ( regarding your relationship only) and you would love to chat or meet up  ( maybe get him on the phone or something first?) Or just call him! see what happens!

 

Post # 45
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015 - Ballroom

As a formerly obese person (underwent weight loss surgery in 2011), by all means reach out and tell him that you miss him and love him but his weight problem is not yours to solve. I’d say the same thing if you thought he was a drug addict or alcoholic. He’s not stupid – he can see himself in the mirror and knows he is overweight. He doesn’t need you to stage an intervention or force him to exercise.  People need to decide on their own to change their lives or their bad habits. Don’t make yourself a martyr, because you’ll very likely just push him further away.  Be present in his life, if he will allow it, or be silently hopeful.  

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