(Closed) I’m starting to feel like the selfish brat…

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 1
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2011

who everyone is talking about & posting about lately. This will be long.

Hey everyone. Ha, never thought I would be the one to create a separate account, but I have a stroy/confession/question…not really sure how this is going to go…

My older sister (she’s 3 years older than me) is getting married THIS month! I’m very excited. I honestly couldn’t be happier for her and my Future Brother-In-Law. They have a wonderful life ahead of them. 🙂

They’ve been together for over 4 years -engaged since winter 2009. My Fiance & I have been together right at 4 years -engaged spring 2010. My Fiance & I got engaged 5 months after my sister and her Fiance.

My Fiance & I both knew our relationship was building towards a marriage. He has a good degree with a great job, & he bought a house (summer 2009) that we will both live in after we get married. The only hold up with us getting engaged/married was my school schedule. Also, I really love my sister & I knew in the back of my mind it would be hurtful to her if my Fiance & I were to get engaged/married before she did.

I know…just because she’s older doesn’t mean that she should be getting married first. Everyone’s timeline is different…All those lines.

Well, to me, I felt that it would be hurtful to her. She even made a comment in the past “you’re NOT getting married before me.” You know, that joking but not really joking way? I didn’t want to be THAT girl.

Well fast forward to now…I feel like I am anyway. 🙁

As previously stated- my sister is getting married this month. My Fiance and I have set our date to one weekend next spring. It will be around 8 months after my sister’s wedding. Due to my demanding school schedule that weekend is the ONLY weekend in 2011 that will work out. And have a week off after for our honeymoon. I’m not joking, school is that crazy.

Lately at church and social events (tons of wedding/baby showers lately!!) after everyone asks her all the questions about her wedding -if she’s excited, stressed, wants it to be over with, is everything ready…the questions everyone gets- they then ask me when my date is. When I tell them, there seems to be so much shock!

I usually get something along the lines of “Oh wow! It must be crazy around your house!” or “Your poor parents! How are they handling two weddings so close together?!” or “Why don’t you move it back another spring?” ….My sister just stands there with an annoyed look on her face. She gives a halfhearted chuckle and says nothing.

It’s starting to make me feel like I am “taking her spotlight away” even though I’m not trying to! My Fiance & I didn’t want to wait another entire year! Now I’m wondering if that would’ve been better? She seems to keep getting more and more annoyed at me & Fiance. I also sense built up anger.

I’ve tried talking to her…she’s just so stressed lately that she doesn’t want to discuss it. She doesn’t like confrontation very much either, so she assures me that it’s fine. In a very “brush it off” kinda way. “Oh yeah, no it’s fine. I don’t get a whole year, just a day” Then quickly changes the subject. I don’t know whether I believe her or not. I just left it alone. Maybe it’s in my head? Maybe she’s trying not to hurt my feelings too? ugh, confusion.

I do want you all to know that I haven’t been planning any part of my wedding with my mom or sister yet. My Fiance & I are just bouncing IDEAS off of each other. I haven’t been dress shopping yet. We did choose a photographer & paid the deposit already so she wouldn’t be booked on our date after sister’s wedding. And we do know the venue. I haven’t talked invites/programs/other weddingish things related to my wedding. I’ve been super involved with my sister’s planning and wedding. I am waiting until hers is over to start planning and shopping for my own. I promise, I really don’t want to cause conflict.

So, I don’t really know what the point of this was. Maybe to get it off my chest? Maybe to tell you what it feels like to be considered the “spotlight stealer”? Maybe to get encouragement?

All I know is I love my sister, and I can’t wait to be standing up with her this month on her wedding day! I just hope my wedding planning after her wedding doesn’t cause her to resent me. I hope she can be happy for me.

If you made it through this without your eyes bleeding, bless you!

 

Post # 3
Member
2588 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

You are NOT a spotlight stealer; your sister is being unreasonable. You have a right to get married whenever you (and your Fiance, of course!) want. =/ Don’t let these people get to you.

Post # 4
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I don’t think there is anything wrong with what you are doing at all! You deserve to be engaged and have a wedding just as much as your sister. Just like how you deserve to have your wedding when you want it!

I know how you feel my older brother got engaged in oct 09 or around there, I got engaged this march, my wedding is this october, while my brothers isn’t until july of next year. People have said the ohhh your beating your brother to the alter, my mom has even said yea she had to trump her brother. My response I flat out say, is one my fi and I have been together 2x as long as him and his fi. also why should I have to push back when we get married because they wanted an almost 2 year engagement? Really I don’t think so, it’s my life and I want to start married life when I want to. I also flat out told my mother that if she really thought my wedding was going to be about trumping my brothers, than I’d rather just elope. She apologized after that, and told me she was just saying it as a joke, but it was a pretty mean thing to be saying imo.

Honestly I think people just love to say negative things and not mind their own business. You have every right to get married when you want to, and you are evening putting off planning until after your sisters wedding which is super thoughtul of you! You can’t put your plans/life on hold to appease others! IMO

Post # 5
Member
4497 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You are IN NO WAY being a spotlight stealer. MAYBE if you’d gotten engaged after she did and decided to get married the week before her date–MAYBE then someone could possibly accuse you of stealing the spotlight. As it is, you’ll be getting married 8 whole months after your sister’s wedding! There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. 

True story–five of my siblings got married within a 15-month span. And it was so fun–no one’s spotlight was stolen. 

Post # 6
Member
2425 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I don’t really get the concept of stealing thunder, so maybe I’m not the person to ask, but why do you assume your sister is upset? I mean, she’s told you she realizes she only gets a day, and she doesn’t argue about it with you…did I miss something?

Post # 7
Member
2076 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You are very obviously not trying to steal her spotlight!  IMO, you have just as much right to be excited about your wedding as your sister has to be excited about hers.  I understand how she might feel slighted if you talked non-stop about your wedding plans, interrupted her when she was talking about her plans, or changed the sugject quickly when she’s talking about her wedding…but by the sounds of it, you’re not doing that.

Maybe asking her for advice will soften the way she thinks about your upcoming wedding?  Something like, “Hey sis, I’ve been thinking about how beautiful your flowers/wedding dress/invites/whatever are and was wondering where you ordered them/how you made them.”  Compliment her choices on certain aspects of her wedding.  It couldn’t hurt to try!

Post # 8
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Thank you for the responses!

@Ms.Blueberry- Thank you 🙂 & thanks for sharing that story. I’m sorry your mom said that! 🙁 It would definitely upset me too

@stillme- WOW! That sounds really stressful, but also fun. I think that honestly might be part of my feelings. Some people do ask us if it’s fun planning our weddings together. In the back of my mind I thought it would be, but I don’t feel like I should incorporate my wedding planning talk into hers. Some days I do wish I could have that fun sister time to do/talk/plan girly wedding things.

@tatum- It’s partly because of the looks she gives & her attitude change after people ask about my wedding date.  She’s also said a few weeks ago when I did let something slip about my possible colors…she told me “I don’t know…I can only handle one wedding at a time”. I’ve been making sure after that to not mention mine & Fiance wedding.  It’s also partly a feeling.

@lindsayB- Thanks!…I’ve been there with her every step of the way. From putting pretty lables on 300+ water bottles, tying ribbons on her invites, to folding her 300+ programs! haha 🙂

Post # 9
Member
5669 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

You are doing nothing wrong and are in no way stealing her spotlight! I think people just have to comment. People will talk no matter what, please try to not let it bother you.

My brother got married in October and we got married 10 months later in August. My SIL was in my wedding and we had a great time planning together and it was great to get her input after her wedding on what to do and what not to do.

Post # 10
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Umm, I don’t get why people are so shocked that you’re getting married several months after your sister. That’s PLENTY of time. I’m really a strong opponent of siblings/close friends/family getting married within 1-3 months of each other (if much of the guest list/WP will overlap), but 8 months is more than okay.

You should not feel at all guilty or bratty.

Post # 11
Member
484 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I dont think its too close, and I think your sister is being unfair to you and not considering the fact that you are waiting to NOT take the spotlight from her… how much time will be enough for her to be in the spotlight?? would a year even be good enough?  I hope you booked your venue.  I know all but one venue had the date I wanted and it was a year in advance… good luck

Post # 12
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

8 months?!  Anyone who says anything is 1) making an offhanded comment b/c they don’t have anything else to say to make conversation or 2) stirring up drama in which case THEY and not you are the ones creating a problem.

Either your sister doesn’t mind and you’re worrying too much or she does mind and it’s her problem.  If you don’t believe her when she says she has no issue with it – because her body language or whatever says otherwise, then maybe she does wish she had a whole year in the spotlight and knows she doesn’t get that so is slightly ambivalent.  If she is, that’s her issue to deal with. 

Basically, if other people are going to be oversensitive, it is no longer your responsibility to cater to their every need.  It’s not clear to me whether that’s what’s going on or whether you’re just being very caring and very worried that you might have upset people.  The bottom line is you’ve done nothing that should upset people, so please stop worrying about it and enjoy your engagement, your sister’s wedding, and your own wedding planning. 

Post # 13
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

It sounds to me like you’re being more than reasonable. Eight months after her wedding is a long time! If you were getting married 6 months later it would still be ok, but you’re waiting more than half a year!

It’s highly likely that after the stress of her wedding is over she’ll realize that you really did leave a more than reasonable gap between your wedding and hers. Especially since you’re trying to be supportive of her wedding and not really talk about yours yet.

I really don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I can’t imagine this will last past her wedding day.  I would just let it go and not say anything to her.  If other people ask you about your wedding when you’re both together, I would answer quickly and then try to turn the attention back to your sister.  After all, it’s only a few more weeks, right?  I’m sure after her wedding she’ll be much more excited about yours.

And I’m with PPs–I don’t understand why people are shocked that sisters are getting married eight months apart.  It’s not like you’re getting married a week after her or something.  That’s just kind of weird of them.

Post # 15
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My older sister got married in June, and I’m getting married this weekend. It was almost exactly three months between, but it was how it worked out and we are rolling with it. It was a bit odd at first because we were both planning weddings at the same time (AND we are each other’s MOHs!) but it became really fun. Our weddings are SO different, we didn’t feel like we were stealing ideas or copying each other. Just make sure you dedicate plenty of attention to her, and she has no reason to complain!

Post # 16
Member
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Aw don’t worry!!  Your sister might be a bit annoyed, but its probably moreso just stress of wedding planning that is getting to her and making her overly sensitive.

Dont let the families get to you, a lot of families have crazy ideas/opinions about weddings.  My dad seems to think that getting married a whole year apart is too close together and puts a strain on families LOL… so you can’t please everyone.  Do what pleases yourself.  And honestly, you’re being really careful not to take her spotlight away, so she should see that and appreciate it.

Once her wedding is over, this will all blow over I’m sure, and then you’ll forget this ever happened, and you’ll be able to comfortably discuss your wedding openly with everyone, and I’m sure your sister will participate more then.  8 months is more than enough time, they’ll get over it.  I think people just make comments like that to make conversation, although advising you to move your wedding a whole year away, that would upset me.

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