I'm still so angry

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

I think this post is a good start. my suggestion is to allow yourself to feel this anger. give yourself the right to be upset with what has happened. if you bury your feelings, you won’t be able to work through them.

Don’t give yourself a deadline to stop being angry. keep seeing your therapist, he/she will help you navigate this 

But, don’t let the anger ruin your happiness right now. I know it’s hard but you’re working through anger over situations that are said and done, not things right now.

Post # 3
Member
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Girl, I’ve been there. You have to be kind to yourself. You have to remember that while the relationship didn’t work out, you learned valuable lessons about yourself and what type of relationship you do and don’t want. You (hopefully) won’t make the same mistakes again. 

Post # 5
Member
684 posts
Busy bee

Remember that hindsight is always 20/20. You made what you thought were the right decisions, so don’t beat yourself up about it. There are so many things I wish I had done differently. It is hard to not get mad at yourself, especially when you feel like you should’ve known better. But just think of it as a learning experience and don’t expect yourself to be perfect all the time. All you can do is your best. I’m sure you’ll be able to work through your anger and let it go because you are already mindful that it is a problem. I hope you feel better soon!

Post # 6
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Hey this is a normal and HEALTHY stage in the “moving on from a relationship” cycle of doom. Anger is good! Anger means you are thinking clearly and you’re valuing yourself again. I spent a LONG time being angry at my ex and have def used the Weddingbee boards to vent about a lot that happened in that relationship…which has been helpful in processing my thoughts. I am actually still kind of angry (even though it’s been 3 years since I broke up with him, and I’m now very happily engaged to the man of my dreams!), but in the last few months have felt myself kind of slowly moving from anger into a kind of indifference. At some point (and this has to happen naturally, you can’t *make* yourself feel this way), your anger will fade too and you’ll just kind of start thinking more along the lines of “oh well, that happened, my ex is fucked up, but i’m not! time to put the past behind!”

The fact that you’re aware of your anger and conscious of not wanting to become “a bitter person” are both really good signs. You’re gonna be okay…you just have to ride this phase out.

Post # 7
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You most definitely should be angry – what a terrible person this guy turned out to be. Be patient with yourself – July wasn’t all that long ago, and you were together for 5 years! You didn’t do anything wrong in this relationship – you are supposed to let your guard down with the person you love, and to help them in life, and shame on him for taking advantage of your kind and generous spirit. At least he showed his true colors before you were any more invested and you’re not stuck with this scummy guy for life. 

Edited to add: when my 5 year relationship ended years ago, I was a bitter angry mess for ages. I didn’t go on a single date for a year because I felt like I hated men! I’ve now been with my husband way longer than I was with my ex, and for years I would still sometimes feel flashes of anger when I remembered the shit I put up with. It did go away though, and it will for you too. 

Post # 8
Member
2760 posts
Sugar bee

What’s that quote? “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

Don’t give him the power Bee. Sure, he may be living in your house, and laughing as he attempts to make you miserable, but would he have it if you didn’t help him? Would he be anywhere he is today without you? Maybe he’s making it difficult so he can stay there longer because he has no clue what he’s going to do truly on his own. And here you are, moving on with your life and leaving him in the dust. There’s a silent justice in that.

He’s an asshole, but he’s also an asshole that doesn’t deserve any more of your effort or time. Don’t waste any more emotion on him. Go cold dead-pan, get a lawyer, get out of the house agreement, and truly move on. I think being tied to him with the house, and being the only one who gets to enjoy it is the root of all of this. 

The New Year is a time for a fresh start, you can’t get out of the contract that fast, but you can overhaul your emotions. Get a consult with a few different lawyers, and see if you can find one you can pay after the contract is dissolved and you get money from the house. Keep focusing on yourself. It can be hard, but how much harder would it be to still be in that relationship? 

Being angry doesn’t do anything to him but give him power. The best reaction when people are trying o upset you is no reaction at all. Don’t give him the satisfaction that he can upset you!

 

Post # 9
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2026

I have been reading quite a few posts like these on the Bee and I also don’t understand how someon you are supposed to love and cherish treats you horribly after a break-up. Even if you aren’t together, they should still be civil. You had a life together. You loved each other (at some point). You shared memories together.

Anyway, I feel for you. You made a good choice. 

Post # 10
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

ceebee05 :  I don’t think it’s helpful to discount anger as bad in this case. If the OP was describing dwelling on this person so much it interfered with her daily life, or if she was holding on to resentment and hurt long after it was relevant to any action she could take, I could see your advice being applicable. But anger isn’t inherently unhealthy or something to overcome. It’s a self-protective energy here and I’m sure OP’s therapist can best direct her how to experience and use it. Keeping that little pilot light of rage against the person who is actively harming her (emotionally and financially) is productive in seeking the best legal outcome for herself and emotional growth.

The OP’s anger is useful and healthy, and trying to ignore or frame it as a weakness or personal fault it is neither of those things.

Edit: OP, you acted in good faith and with full consideration towards all the information available to you at the time. That’s all any of us can do. Please don’t feel foolish for it, we all have to pluck out the assholes who get under our skin from time to time.

Post # 11
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Speck_ :  +1

I was thinking the exact same thing. I actually think anger is really healthy in the OP’s case. As a phase…not a new life-long condition lol. It’s definitely healthier than the phase that comes before anger, which is when you’re devastated and weeping all the time and wondering if maybe you should just take your shitty ex back because surely anything is better than the utter agony of breaking up. (spoiler, WRONG!)

Looking back at my own experience, I think my anger was absolutely good for me. It made me value myself. It made me better in my current relationship…quicker to speak up about things that are important to me because I am so PISSED that I didn’t always do that with my ex. I really feel like my anger is what gave me back my voice, which I had lost for a long time. 

The key is not letting the anger consume you, which it doesn’t seem like the OP is doing at all.

Post # 12
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

Completely natural! you are going through the phases of grief. And it is not a linear healing process! Sometimes you may be anger and then sometimes you may revert Back to sadness or avoidance. It just depends on you and your mood. Feel it and then pick up and do something constructive and nurturing for yourself. You are doing great!  Also, it has only been 5 months and you were in a 5 year relationship, you’re doing amazing!!! I am only 8-9 months with a few hiccups here and there and I am still struggling at times. I only just entered the anger phase-haha! I was waiting for it for so long. Give it some time and feel what you need to to help you get past it. 

Post # 13
Member
2503 posts
Sugar bee

Anger is normal, but I know it doesn’t feel good. I have found meditation to be really helpful personally (i use the app headspace). I have also found journaling really cathartic. You could also try something like a self defense class or dance class to get out your physical energy and channel it into something positive. Other than that, take refuge in your friends, take care of yourself, and save up for that lawyer. Good luck! 

Post # 14
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I can relate to this quite a bit as I was ANGRY when my ex broke up with me after 3 1/2 years.  Like…I held a grudge against him for a YEAR and was pissed at him for ruining my life plan.  And you know what?  It did not make me a better person.  I actually saw him again because we worked the same job in the summer (where we ultimately met), and I was SUCH a b**** towards him.  That’s not me at all!  I was basically a different person because I was mad, and for a good while it consumed me and didn’t allow me to move on.  I dated a couple guys, but was still so angry that nothing could have ever come out of those relationships.

I get WHY you are angry.  He isn’t making this any easier on you.  However, the high road is the way to go.  You will be a happier person because you didn’t stoop to his level.  Again, I know you’re angry and I GET it, but it’s already been 5 months and it doesn’t sound like you have really made any progress from moving on from him.  This new guy you’re seeing…is that relationship reaching its full potential or is your anger getting in the way?  I ask because I have been there…

Post # 15
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ljm308 :  With all due respect, if you read the OP’s previous posts it is clear she’s making massive progress in moving on from the relationship. It took many months (if I remember right) to work up the strength to leave this toxic relationship, and now after only five months (not a long time at all to get past a five YEAR relationship where they lived together, owned a home, etc.) she has already moved past the “omg did I make the biggest mitsake of my life” weeping all the time phase into the anger phase. This is healthy and I think any therapist would back me up on that. She’s seeing a new person, spending time with friends…rediscovering her own awesomeness. So she’s angry at her ex? That’s normal, and it’s not preventing her from living her life. She’ll get over that too, in time. 

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