Post # 1
I left my ex of 5 years in July, and I have been doing really well for the most part. Got my own apartment, got a new car, dog, and love my job. I also have really great friends who have been truly supportive of everything. And, I’m in therapy and have been for the past year – pretty much from the time I realized that this relationship wasn’t working for me anymore. I’m even seeing someone new who is great to me so far, and totally understands my situation as we’ve been friends for over a year, and used to volunteer together. We share the same passion for community service, and have very similar career goals and values. Thus far, he also has completely respected my boundaries (which is new for me), and just gets me (even though I’m very quirky). Anyway, I had been doing so well, but this month I find that I’m just so angry!
I’m angry at myself for staying so long, and being so stupid. I’m angry for letting myself be used and be a doormat. I helped him so much, I loaned him significant amounts of money without interest (he did pay me back though) so that he could get his business off the ground, helped him with his business plan etc. And, I feel like he just used me. I feel like I let him use me which is even worse because I’m a smart girl, got my stuff together, and yet when it comes to relationships I’m a complete dufus. I’m angry that I invested so much money in the house we bought together and that he gets to live there – until I can come up with the money to afford an attorney to force the process to get the house sold. I thought I was being smart, because I made sure that we had a notarized contract that said that in the event that we split we’d get the house on the market within 6 months, and split the profits 50/50. But he has tried to hurt me and has changed all of the locks, refused to answer the official letters that I have sent him regarding my offer for him to buy me out of the property – forcing me now to go through a lawyer, when the entire point of us putting that contract together was so that this exact thing wouldn’t happen. I feel like he’s reaping the rewards of the life that we built together and have treated me like crap after all that time together and it SUCKS! I don’t understand why breakups have to be this way, how many years together can turn into someone trying to literally screw you over when things end.
I guess the holidays doesn’t make it any easier, and I just found out that one of my good friends is getting married to a guy she met last year. Very happy for her, and will be a bridesmaid in her wedding next year, I just feel so UGH. I guess now I truly understand why folks say don’t wait too long, we were both in our 30’s so after so many years together, after I had made significant commitments such as relocating states for him, should have been a warning sign that he wasn’t serious about me. I’m hoping this anger will pass soon so that I can move on to being me again. I don’t know what happened its like I was on roll – getting stuff done moving on, and I just hit a roadblock. I don’t want to carry this anger with me into 2017.
Post # 2
I think this post is a good start. my suggestion is to allow yourself to feel this anger. give yourself the right to be upset with what has happened. if you bury your feelings, you won’t be able to work through them.
Don’t give yourself a deadline to stop being angry. keep seeing your therapist, he/she will help you navigate this
But, don’t let the anger ruin your happiness right now. I know it’s hard but you’re working through anger over situations that are said and done, not things right now.
Post # 3
Girl, I’ve been there. You have to be kind to yourself. You have to remember that while the relationship didn’t work out, you learned valuable lessons about yourself and what type of relationship you do and don’t want. You (hopefully) won’t make the same mistakes again.
Post # 4
Thanks, I just hope it passes quickly so that I don’t become a truly bitter person. I have so many good things in my life, and I don’t want to ruin them because I’m so mad. I’m not taking it out on anyone of course – I just vent to my BFF who totally relates to me, and is super supportive of my bitter tirades lol. I feel almost damaged – like a part of my goodness, and innocence is gone; which in all honesty is probably a good thing.
Post # 5
Remember that hindsight is always 20/20. You made what you thought were the right decisions, so don’t beat yourself up about it. There are so many things I wish I had done differently. It is hard to not get mad at yourself, especially when you feel like you should’ve known better. But just think of it as a learning experience and don’t expect yourself to be perfect all the time. All you can do is your best. I’m sure you’ll be able to work through your anger and let it go because you are already mindful that it is a problem. I hope you feel better soon!
Post # 6
Hey this is a normal and HEALTHY stage in the “moving on from a relationship” cycle of doom. Anger is good! Anger means you are thinking clearly and you’re valuing yourself again. I spent a LONG time being angry at my ex and have def used the Weddingbee boards to vent about a lot that happened in that relationship…which has been helpful in processing my thoughts. I am actually still kind of angry (even though it’s been 3 years since I broke up with him, and I’m now very happily engaged to the man of my dreams!), but in the last few months have felt myself kind of slowly moving from anger into a kind of indifference. At some point (and this has to happen naturally, you can’t *make* yourself feel this way), your anger will fade too and you’ll just kind of start thinking more along the lines of “oh well, that happened, my ex is fucked up, but i’m not! time to put the past behind!”
The fact that you’re aware of your anger and conscious of not wanting to become “a bitter person” are both really good signs. You’re gonna be okay…you just have to ride this phase out.
Post # 7
You most definitely should be angry – what a terrible person this guy turned out to be. Be patient with yourself – July wasn’t all that long ago, and you were together for 5 years! You didn’t do anything wrong in this relationship – you are supposed to let your guard down with the person you love, and to help them in life, and shame on him for taking advantage of your kind and generous spirit. At least he showed his true colors before you were any more invested and you’re not stuck with this scummy guy for life.
Edited to add: when my 5 year relationship ended years ago, I was a bitter angry mess for ages. I didn’t go on a single date for a year because I felt like I hated men! I’ve now been with my husband way longer than I was with my ex, and for years I would still sometimes feel flashes of anger when I remembered the shit I put up with. It did go away though, and it will for you too.
Post # 8
What’s that quote? “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
Don’t give him the power Bee. Sure, he may be living in your house, and laughing as he attempts to make you miserable, but would he have it if you didn’t help him? Would he be anywhere he is today without you? Maybe he’s making it difficult so he can stay there longer because he has no clue what he’s going to do truly on his own. And here you are, moving on with your life and leaving him in the dust. There’s a silent justice in that.
He’s an asshole, but he’s also an asshole that doesn’t deserve any more of your effort or time. Don’t waste any more emotion on him. Go cold dead-pan, get a lawyer, get out of the house agreement, and truly move on. I think being tied to him with the house, and being the only one who gets to enjoy it is the root of all of this.
The New Year is a time for a fresh start, you can’t get out of the contract that fast, but you can overhaul your emotions. Get a consult with a few different lawyers, and see if you can find one you can pay after the contract is dissolved and you get money from the house. Keep focusing on yourself. It can be hard, but how much harder would it be to still be in that relationship?
Being angry doesn’t do anything to him but give him power. The best reaction when people are trying o upset you is no reaction at all. Don’t give him the satisfaction that he can upset you!
Post # 9
I have been reading quite a few posts like these on the Bee and I also don’t understand how someon you are supposed to love and cherish treats you horribly after a break-up. Even if you aren’t together, they should still be civil. You had a life together. You loved each other (at some point). You shared memories together.
Anyway, I feel for you. You made a good choice.
Post # 10
ceebee05 : I don’t think it’s helpful to discount anger as bad in this case. If the OP was describing dwelling on this person so much it interfered with her daily life, or if she was holding on to resentment and hurt long after it was relevant to any action she could take, I could see your advice being applicable. But anger isn’t inherently unhealthy or something to overcome. It’s a self-protective energy here and I’m sure OP’s therapist can best direct her how to experience and use it. Keeping that little pilot light of rage against the person who is actively harming her (emotionally and financially) is productive in seeking the best legal outcome for herself and emotional growth.
The OP’s anger is useful and healthy, and trying to ignore or frame it as a weakness or personal fault it is neither of those things.
Edit: OP, you acted in good faith and with full consideration towards all the information available to you at the time. That’s all any of us can do. Please don’t feel foolish for it, we all have to pluck out the assholes who get under our skin from time to time.
Post # 11
Speck_ : +1
I was thinking the exact same thing. I actually think anger is really healthy in the OP’s case. As a phase…not a new life-long condition lol. It’s definitely healthier than the phase that comes before anger, which is when you’re devastated and weeping all the time and wondering if maybe you should just take your shitty ex back because surely anything is better than the utter agony of breaking up. (spoiler, WRONG!)
Looking back at my own experience, I think my anger was absolutely good for me. It made me value myself. It made me better in my current relationship…quicker to speak up about things that are important to me because I am so PISSED that I didn’t always do that with my ex. I really feel like my anger is what gave me back my voice, which I had lost for a long time.
The key is not letting the anger consume you, which it doesn’t seem like the OP is doing at all.
Post # 12
Completely natural! you are going through the phases of grief. And it is not a linear healing process! Sometimes you may be anger and then sometimes you may revert Back to sadness or avoidance. It just depends on you and your mood. Feel it and then pick up and do something constructive and nurturing for yourself. You are doing great! Also, it has only been 5 months and you were in a 5 year relationship, you’re doing amazing!!! I am only 8-9 months with a few hiccups here and there and I am still struggling at times. I only just entered the anger phase-haha! I was waiting for it for so long. Give it some time and feel what you need to to help you get past it.
Post # 13
Anger is normal, but I know it doesn’t feel good. I have found meditation to be really helpful personally (i use the app headspace). I have also found journaling really cathartic. You could also try something like a self defense class or dance class to get out your physical energy and channel it into something positive. Other than that, take refuge in your friends, take care of yourself, and save up for that lawyer. Good luck!
Post # 14
I can relate to this quite a bit as I was ANGRY when my ex broke up with me after 3 1/2 years. Like…I held a grudge against him for a YEAR and was pissed at him for ruining my life plan. And you know what? It did not make me a better person. I actually saw him again because we worked the same job in the summer (where we ultimately met), and I was SUCH a b**** towards him. That’s not me at all! I was basically a different person because I was mad, and for a good while it consumed me and didn’t allow me to move on. I dated a couple guys, but was still so angry that nothing could have ever come out of those relationships.
I get WHY you are angry. He isn’t making this any easier on you. However, the high road is the way to go. You will be a happier person because you didn’t stoop to his level. Again, I know you’re angry and I GET it, but it’s already been 5 months and it doesn’t sound like you have really made any progress from moving on from him. This new guy you’re seeing…is that relationship reaching its full potential or is your anger getting in the way? I ask because I have been there…
Post # 15
ljm308 : With all due respect, if you read the OP’s previous posts it is clear she’s making massive progress in moving on from the relationship. It took many months (if I remember right) to work up the strength to leave this toxic relationship, and now after only five months (not a long time at all to get past a five YEAR relationship where they lived together, owned a home, etc.) she has already moved past the “omg did I make the biggest mitsake of my life” weeping all the time phase into the anger phase. This is healthy and I think any therapist would back me up on that. She’s seeing a new person, spending time with friends…rediscovering her own awesomeness. So she’s angry at her ex? That’s normal, and it’s not preventing her from living her life. She’ll get over that too, in time.