(Closed) I’m still struggling bees. :-/

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
1524 posts
Bumble bee

I know exactly how you feel. I’m not really sure what to tell you, though, as I don’t know what to do for myself. Except you’re not alone. My fiancé and I had a huge argument last night about timelines and wedding dates. I am not patient at all. Is there a compromise you guys can come to?

Post # 5
1524 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think it’s selfish to not want to wait. I think it’s normal for girls to feel more pressure to get married. I definitely feel it, even though I don’t have anyone saying I should get married now or anything. Has he told you why he wants to wait until he’s done with law school? 

Post # 6
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

wow, does he seriously expect you to wait another 4 years?!?! really???? so he thinks waiting nine YEARS to commit to someone is acceptable?  no wonder you’re upset.  

My (now) Fiance and I had several big disagreements on timelines as well but at least he didn’t use not going on honeymoon as a reason!  You could just try reminding him that traditionally, the honeymoon can be as short as one or two nights immediately after the wedding – it’s just an opportunity for the couple to relax and spend some time together and get to ‘know’ one another back in the day when most people didn’t have sex before marriage!  You could suggest just doing a long weekend at a really amazing hotel with a spa, and that can be your first honeymoon, and then in two or three years (or whenever) treat yourselves when he finished school and go on a great vacation for an anniversary.

Is the honeymoon thing truly his only reason for wanting to put it off?!  but i do feel your pain, my goodness I really struggled with this with my FI!  I’ll be thinking of you!

Post # 7
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Question: Are you saying if he doesn’t want to get married until after he is done with law school that you don’t want to marry him?

Post # 9
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Could you two have a talk & agree on a timeline? My Fiance & I agreed to a timeline, so that I wouldn’t go crazy waiting and so he could still feel like it would be a surprise. Sometimes, boys are stupid and think my misleading you, it’ll be more a surprise, when really, they are making you freak out.

Post # 10
41 posts
  • Wedding: March 2012

@MissPatience:How old are you and how long have you been together? I think the answers to these two questions are necessary to gauge the situation.

Post # 12
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My Fi and I will be going somewhere local and spending 2 or 3 days together after the wedding…then we’re apart until we can move into our house together.  Due to family matters, we can’t live together the first 3-4 months after we’re married.  We just want to be married and are working around it (even if it means living apart for that time).  Would he be willing to get engaged while he’s trying to get into law school?

Post # 14
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010 - Rancho San Carlos

I rarely chime in to these threads, mostly because I have no great advice, but I felt compelled to say something here.  And not because I have great advice, but just because wanted to send some encouragement your way.  

Mr. H and I dated for over 4 years before he proposed – he was 32 when we married 18 months later.  He didn’t have loans, wasn’t in school; really, he had no reason (in my mind) to put it off.  But he did.  And I got upset – often.  

I tried to avoid being upset directly at him, and mostly kept it inside.  Each time we would receive news of another friend’s engagement, it got worse.  Eventually things came to a breaking point when we were driving my car from OR to CO, and I got a call from my sister just as we crossed the border into Colorado – she was engaged.  To her boyfriend of under 2 years.  I didn’t speak to Mr. H at all for the rest of the drive.  I was so angry, and he was so confused.  

The next day I had to work.  I started driving, and couldn’t keep myself together.  He was working from home at the time, and I drove home to talk to him.  I told him why I felt the way I did, and how hurt I was that he seemed to have no intention of proposing any time soon.  How much it hurt that my sister’s bf, after just two years, knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her – but Mr. H didn’t feel the same for me.  About how I felt like I had to choose to either set a deadline and leave him, or stay in a relationship where I was incredibly happy, but may never lead to marriage and kids.  Honestly, he was kind of an ass.  I felt like he didn’t hear me; like he didn’t understand why I was upset.  I told myself that five years was my deadline – but even then, didn’t know if I could bear to keep it.

Four months later, he proposed – completely out of the blue, and as a complete shock to me.  I later found out he had already purchased the ring, and had it in his possession, those many months before when I had my meltdown.  We also later discussed what was in his head during those months, and even years, leading up to his proposal.  A lot of his fear stemmed from his perceived inability to provide for a family.  How he didn’t feel like he was in a stable enough place in his life to get married.  But he was VERY clear this wasn’t about me, or our relationship.  He was always 100% committed.  

I’m not trying to tell you what is the what in your relationship.  But I am trying to tell you that sometimes, patience really does pay off.  And it’s usually impossible to believe that.  That said, there’s a big difference between patience and intuition.  I never questioned that Mr. H and I were good together, and I never felt like he questioned it either.  If you strongly believe you and Mr. Right are right for one another – I would urge you to try your hardest to stay patient, and believe in your man.  

Big hugs to you.  I hope it gets better soon.

Post # 16
3306 posts
Sugar bee

I think a clear timeline would help you both so you aren’t waiting around indefinitely and he isn’t sure of what you want and when you want it.

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