(Closed) I’m still waffling about sharing ring pics – geez

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Sorry, I know you guys don’t talk about it, but I really think you need to have the conversation in your second to last paragraph and tell him how you’re feeling. The wedding doesn’t have to be a big, social function, does it? Couldn’t you do something small?

I think sometimes the ring can be such a touchy subject for guys, so I would be hesitant to jump right into that conversation (which won’t even be a conversation, just an email) without having the first conversation of are you going there? What if he doesn’t acknowledge the ring email – wouldn’t you go crazy? I’d drive myself nuts wondering if it’s because marriage may not be in the picture in the future. I think you really need to know that FIRST.

Hope that helps. All the best.

Post # 4
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@Sking: I would mention hey when it’s time to pick out a ring for me, would you make the decision yourself or would you want my help?

See what he says it’s a good way to gauge where you should go.

Post # 6
2607 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

“I’m not going to send him my silly list until/unless I feel good about doing so.” 

Exactly!  Listen to your gut on this… if you feel like your efforts will be interpreted as pushy, then you’re probably right.  Wait until it feels totally natural and normal. Anxiety like you’re describing is your body trying to send you a message that you’re making a mistake.  Also, I’m not terribly superstitious, but I think the several message failures (accidental deletions etc…) are kind of the Universe telling you to hold off.

Post # 8
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

This subject is pressuring no matter how you word or phrase it.  I never ever brought it up.  I knew it would happen eventually and it was just my choice not to ever say anything about it until her was ready.  One day he asked for a picture of a ring that I liked.  I almost HIT the floor.  I was reluctant to even answer.  I simply told him that I prefer princess cut but I am not picky and Im sure I would love anything that he chose.  A week later I was engaged.

When they are ready, thats it.  Decision made.  It just depends on how long you are willing to wait it out.


Good luck with whatever you decide!

Post # 9
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

i had a really hard time with this too – my main reason was because i didnt want to freak him out or scare him off haha but i knew we were going to get married one day i just didnt know when. i wasnt one to talk about it and anytime we would walk by a jewelry store in the mall i would get nervous and make sure i looked everywehre but there.

well last year they had this thing called the diamond dash here in charlotte and i signed us up – it took me weeks to tell him about it. and when i did i was like we can sell the ring and split the cash…i was worried for nothing because he was all for it,  that was april and i was engaged in july. a month or so after the dash we were again walking in the mall and he was like lets go in there, pointing at a jewelry store i got so nervous but went in and looked. i tried one ring on…and then went home and showed him a few that i liked online. a month or so after that he emailed me – cushion or princess…i chose cushion.

but i was so worried about bringing it up to him and that was the easiest way i knew how to get it into his head.

i think it something you just need to talk about – find an easier way to bring it up rather than just putting rings in his face..when he gets comfortable about the idea of marriage (not a wedding/ the two get mixed up in this world) then start showing him rings. but i think you need to know where he stands on getting married, and if its the wedding that worries him well let him get on the bee and see not all weddings are for “making fun of the groom” haha that makes me laugh by the way, i can see where he think thats.  and not all weddings have to be a huge shindig.

good luck! and keep us posted.

Post # 11
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@Isilme:  I could only imagine what you must be feeling.  At 4 years into my relationship I started to get the “walking” papers together.  I had never said a word about marriage…never talked about it other than in passing.  Never pressured him. I guess it was just assumed.  I have never lived with him even though he asked several times.  No Im not an angel.  I have a 7 year old from a previous relationship and I swore I would never live with a man again before marriage and I stuck to my guns bc I had more at stake than just moving in and giving him the cake. Been there done that and it failed, miserably.

Last year just before he proposed I finally started doing my pro and con list.  Where I wanted to be with my life in the next three years, stuck it on my fridge and since nothing was definate with him at that point, he was no where on that list.  He never said a word to me until after he proposed, but I just guess it struck a chord with him. 

With you two being together for 15 you are commited in an entirely diff way.  Had I known that before, I would have commented differently.  I totally think you should bring it up to him.  You are at a point in your life (im 32 so thats the only reason im saying this) where you need definition and direction of where your life is heading.  Get your ring board together and put a timeline in place.  Its time to get that ball rolling sister!

Post # 12
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’d send the email… but I’m pretty direct in my relationship though.  I’ve had relationships in the past that I suffered in silence because I didn’t want to rock the boat or upset my SO by saying certain things… I decided when I entered my relationship with my Fiance that I would never do that again.  It’s not healthy.  I understand that you’ve been together for 15 years and that, in itself, is amazing.  I respect the fact that you will not leave him, even though I don’t necessarily agree with it.  That’s your choice.  But… I really think you should send the email.  It really doesn’t seem like something so serious that it could really damage anything… it bothers me that you’re not completely happy.  I know you love your SO… but you said yourself that  you probably won’t be completely happy unless you get married someday.  You deserve to be completely happy.  You’re postponing your ‘complete’ happiness due to some issues he may be trying to over come about marriage… I really don’t think it’s asking too much for him to look at a few pics of rings online.  Just my honest opinion.

I really hope everything goes well, regardless of what you choose.  You seem like a wonderful lady & you deserve to get all that your heart desires.

Post # 13
667 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you should just send him the email. It will give him ideas of the styles that you like without pressuring him too much and he can see the prices of the ones you choose and will know that he doesn’t have to spend a huge amount on it. Hopefully it will give him a big nudge without you having to “say” a word about it. I vote that you send it but don’t mention it until he does. Good luck and I hope it turns out great for you. You deserve it after being together so long.

Post # 14
1058 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Sorry today wasn’t your best day. Girlie, There maybe a reason why the computer keep deleting it for you. You should probably have this conversation in person. It has deleted your message more than once. Either you need to re-evaluate sending it or give it a lil more time. The worst thing you can do is say: I don’t mean to rush you/ push you into marrying me, BUT HERE ARE THE TYPE RINGS I LIKE.

I know someone who did that, don’t get me wrong she got her ring, but thats all she got. Give it some time okay, if he doesn’t come up with the idea on his own then you should discuss it. The email thing is just *different* if its this important to you then talk with him face to face and let him know your feelings. If that feels awkard then it may not be time to have this conversation…

I know how bad you want this—-by NOW he should too. Its time for a compromise. He may be afraid, but he needs to step outside of the comfort zone for a while and make you his wife, if that is what he truly wants. I can understand why it would be difficult being the couple who has been together the longest as well and everyone else is making the step towards marriage. Yes, its time for him to make a Big Boy Move and *Stop* wasting your time. If you want marriage, and he actually wants to be married… he should make it happen. If excuses and shyness continue to guide his motivation to marry then- he may just not be ready. I really hope you feel better and get some sort of relief.

Since you have been together for soooo long you should be at a point where you can talk about anything. Discuss this alone issue, his fears, and try to figure a way to compromise.

I wish you well!

Post # 15
1046 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Just. Don’t. Do. It.

I mean that in the nicest way possible. I don’t think women are generally being very “helpful” by basically instructing their boyfriend on what they want. You’ve written a very considerate letter, but it’s still about the ring and implies what he needs to do. Let him have some initiative about this. He’ll let you know if he needs some help.

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