Post # 1
- Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey
My thoughts are a little all over the place because I’m super tired but I just need to vent.
There’s 3 days until my wedding and tomorrow is henna night, which is also seen like half the wedding. My cousin and some relatives keeps asking me how anxious / excited / nervous I am. They don’t take “not that much” as an answer. I had to stop my cousin to keep telling me there is a right or wrong way of preparing for a wedding. She thinks I should be erratic or something at this point because it’s the “best day of my life” and I’m just not. Weddings are not really my jam, and my fiance hates weddings. We’re having a wedding because our families wouldn’t take a no as an answer and there’s been some serious tantrum, we said ok whatever….
There’s more… My uncle is a musician and we haven’t included him in the wedding music thing. My fiance said, let’s not ask him for music because he should be enjoying the wedding and not worry about the technical stuff, which I thought was reasonable. Now my uncle is telling me how he has many friends that’ll come to the wedding may ask why he’s not playing anything. There’s freaking 3 days to the wedding and the venue already has a musician and guys I get stressed when there’s a last minute change wish literally every minute. I’m like I do not care who plays what! I just want everything to be over at this point.
I had a terrible year so far already: my master courses, another undergrad school, full time work, a house renovation, and wedding planning all at the same time consumed all my energy. I lost about 8 kgs ( about 17 lbs) this year so far because of this busy schedule. Anyways, there’s one last thing.
My wedding gown is missing at this point! The salon had it for some minor changes and it was sent to some other place. It didn’t come back. They keep assuring me it is on the way and will arrive tomorrow. Hopefully! But if it doesn’t I’m gonna need to find a simple white dress and just roll with it. Life goes on, I say. People around me acting like the actual bride when I’m here sitting calmly trying to process there might be changes, which is life, is exhausting me.
I’m the type of person who almost never regrets anything in life. But if I could ever go back in time, I would say a definite “yes” to my fiance’s elopement wish.:(
Post # 2
Sometime we try and please other people because we try our best not to be selfish. Try to keep positive that people love you and want to celebrate your life and love.
Next time go with your cut and eff what other people think. Next time the baby shower will be different your way!
Post # 3
Stop being such a people pleaser. You say that your families wouldn’t take no for an answer and would have a tantrum. Well let them have at it. They’re going to try this shit again but maybe you’ll be smarter and do what you really want to do next time,
Post # 4
- Wedding: July 2019 - City, State
you have such a nasty way of approaching the feelings of people and I’ve seen this echoed in other’s posts. Have some empathy for her position.
Post # 5
sunburn : You come off as very unkind
Post # 6
betyl : First of all – excited or not – if my dress was MIA I would be freaking.the.fuck.out so kudos to you and your self restraint
This close to the wedding you can’t really change much, so unfortunately you just have to grin and bear it. Know that weddings are not just the bride and groom coming together, but their families too. Yes perhaps you let them have too much of a say, but if you cut them out completely i can guarantee the drama would have been far more hectic.
So yeah, wait it out. It’s just three more days. Don’t feel bad. Fiance and I are both in agreence that our wedding is too much damn drama, and we are both far more excited for our honeymoon. Eloping sounds pretty damn good right now
Post # 7
sunburn : Is there really a need to be so aggressive to everyone under the guise of giving “advice” ?
betyl : OP – It sounds like you are just naturally calm and able to put things into perspective which is wonderful, I hope you are able to push people’s expectations of how you should be feeling, to one side and just enjoy the next couple of days. I hope your dress issue gets sorted and that you enjoy your celebrations. Congratulations.
Post # 8
I wasn’t excited for my wedding either, because by the time my mother had her way with it, it was hardly the wedding I had planned or envisioned. It didn’t feel like “my” wedding. I was too stressed out and overwhelmed to feel much emotion about it. People kept asking me if I was excited, but I didn’t know what to say…of course I was excited to marry my love, but all the arguments and stress didn’t make me excited for the wedding. But it didn’t even matter. Hubby and I floated through the wedding day. Whether everything is as planned perfectly or not, it’ll still go by in a blur and before you know it all the drama will be over with. It may be a good thing that you “don’t want a wedding”, so then it won’t matter how the day goes as long as you’re married by the end of it. 😉
It sounds like you’ve been having a lot of good changes in life…stressful, overwhelming changes…but good ones! I’m sure after walking down that aisle and spending the rest of the day glued to your new husband, you may be able to start enjoying yourself (I did!). It’s good that everyone else is so excited for you, that’ll make the celebration all the more fun. But in the meantime I totally understand that it can be a bit overbearing. Just hang in there, you’re almost done!
Post # 9
I don’t know, it seems you are reacting in your own way with being worried/anxious about last minute changes and your dress being MIA but also you are calm and logical. I mean if your personality is laid back in general then your reactions might be more subtle to other people. I have that problem sometimes.
Maybe just think about how to word things when asked if nervous/anxious/excited.
“I feel pretty good so far but I am getting nervous about everything flowing” A way of saying “Not really but sure”
“I am excited to enjoy married life” (lol avoid the wedding part)
“Fiance and I are really looking forward to our future together”
You could still have your “bridal” moment like they expect or you could not. I mean if its not really your “thing” and they had to pretty much convince you guys to do it then I don’t know why they expect you to suddenly be over the top excited about everything.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2019 - Turkey
Hey guys. My life has been floating indeed. Yes, the stress is there for sure. Yesterday I had my henna night and it was pretty good I think. Everyone said it was a great time, so I couldn’t be happier about that. Today was a mess, because 500+ visited my parents house for a wedding meal from the morning till midnight. It’s not over yet but I ran away to my place. My siblings took me away for zipline fun and old town walk. So that kept me away from stress.
Tomorrow is the wedding and speaking from the experience right now, I hope it’ll just come and end without a problem.
I’ll try and do my best from now on to make sure I say what I want not to be a yes person, it’s almost midnight now. I’ll wake up at 7 for the hairdresser.
Thanks for the comments.
Post # 11
betyl : You have a great attitude, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise! I hope your dress has been found. Get some sleep and enjoy the parts of it that matter to you.
Post # 12
sunburn : I don’t think this is an unkind comment, in fact it’s a very helpful comment- I wish I could go back in time and tell my twentysomething self to stop bending myself into pretzels trying to please various ILs and extended fam- because there IS no pleasing them, it will always be something else.
Others may comment that OP is handling this well and putting things into perspective and OP does sound like a genuinely nice person- but she let their families dictate and demand something that quite clearly wasn’t what her fiance or she wanted at all. What’s done is done as far as the wedding goes, so smiling and getting through it is about all that can be done now- but going forward sunburn’s advice to stop being people pleasers can save OP and her new husband an entire future of disappointments and regrets and having their own wants and needs pushed aside by overbearing ILs. And now that they’ll be husband and wife, they need to put their spouse’s feelings ahead of their extended families.
Post # 13
Quite frankly I find the behavior shown toward me on this thread to be a lot nastier than anything I said. There are several posts others have made just today which are far more unkind and cutting than what I posted. Smh.
Post # 14
sunburn : People have recognized for a while that you generally provide “advice” in a way that is counterproductive because it’s always delivered more harshly than necessary. You just so happened to get called out on it THREE times in this particular post because people are sick of it. Maybe you should consider why others have called you out. But you’re a master gaslighter, given that this is the second time I’ve seen you blame others instead of bothering to consider your own behavior. Everyone else is “too sensitive,” after all; you’re just being “honest” and “forthright.”
crustyoldbee : There’s an important distinction to be made between the content of a thought and the way in which that content is presented. While the content behind her “advice” may or may not be good, the way in which it was put forth was unnecessarily nasty (a standard for sunburn), which makes it that much less likely an OP will bother taking in the alleged “good advice.”
Post # 15
DeniseSecunda : “to get called out on it THREE times….” the hypocrisy on these boards is staggering. In other threads I’ve seen this called ‘piling on’- but since you disagree with sunburn, you use this as proof that she must be wrong for others to pile on against her.
Her posts can be blunt sometimes but in a tough love way, not a malicious way. I really don’t see the nastiness in her post. Sometimes the most honest no-nonsense advice can be the advice that helps an OP out the most, I know that’s certainly been true in my case. Ditto in real life, those who are willing to give me a reality check instead of sugar coated words can also be my biggest support system. All she really did was agree with what the poster herself was expressing- regret for allowing her fiance and herself to be pushed into something they didn’t want- and saying they’ll learn better next time. Very Judge Judy-esque advice but I also find Judge Judy to be honest and having a tough-love approach.
I do happen to agree with sunburn that the pile on against her was in fact much harsher than anything she posted.
And calling any of this ‘master gaslighting’ is really diminishing what true, actual gaslighting is, which is a huge disservice to those who may actually be exposed to brutal manipulation and mindgames. We really need to be careful not to water down terms to the extent that they lose much of their power.