(Closed) I'm struggling to understand

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I am sorry you’re going through this.  I think its great that you wrote down your feelings.  I would try that again and let him know that you still feel the same and that you are really bothered with how things are.  Gently, but clearly tell him some of your expectations and ask him to address your concerns and tell you how he feels about them.

Post # 4
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

double post

Post # 5
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@lorie:   He is being selfish.  If he can jack off and watch porn he can jolly well have sex with you!  If it were me, I would stop doing his laundry and cooking etc.  That type of thing would tick me off because to me satisfying each other sexually is a responsibility in marriage.

Post # 7
Member
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

ayyyy. I can relate to you on some levels. The idea of with holdong doing his laundry etc may not be pratical, it wouldn’t be in my case. I guess I don’t have any suggestions at the moment, but I want to say that I feel for you. People will say to vamp up your sex life, be sexier, but its like “why should I have to compete with bonafied whores on the internet?” You’re NOT one, yet he has them at his his disposal via his computer. Not fair. Don’t have a solution, just hate that the world has made sex with your wife not enough. Hang in there. I’m brainstorming for you.

Post # 8
Member
9654 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@MrsFuzzyFace:  +1 I am so sorry OP, I understand how you feel, Fiance watches porn two or three times a week, yet only agrees to sex once a month or fewer, and rejects me the rest of the times I try to initiate. *Hugs* Sex is important in a marriage 🙂

Post # 11
Member
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

So he was chatting with a chick on adult friend finder? Ummm no. Porn is one thing, but that is just creepy and waaayyyy out of line. People will treat you however you let them treat you. 

Post # 12
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@lorie:  Sex is a very important part of a relationship. It’s an awesome feeling to be wanted and desired by the person we love the most. Love making takes time and effort to please each other. When your husband chooses to pleasure himself theres not much effort. He knows what feels good and knows exactly how to do it. It takes less time and it’s over and done with probably within minutes. To me, that’s being very selfish and I’d be pissed if my husband did that to me. I don’t know how far you’re willing to go to get your point across and how it’s making you feel. If his attitude is “I don’t need to have sex, I already took care of it” you could not make dinner, eat before you leave work or before he’s home and when he asks wheres dinner you can say “I didn’t need to make dinner, I already ate” or anything similar that would work for you. Obviously he’s not understanding how it’s making you feel and unless you either show him what he’s doing to you or hide the keyboard to get your point across.

Post # 13
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@lorie:  I understand where you’re coming from, and porn should not be a substitute for a physical relationship. The problem needs to be addressed, but not doing laundry / not cleaning / not cooking is a very passive aggressive way of accomplishing the message you’re trying to send, if he even understands why you’ve stopped putting in effort into the household.

My advice: Don’t wait until sexy time to bring up the issue you have with him. Sit him down in a neutral room, and tell him how you feel about yourself in this circumstance when he is physically distant. If you tell him honestly what you want and how it hurts you to not interact, he may be more receptive to mutual solutions, rather than getting defensive when you’re angry, and feeling badly when he can’t perform. Approach it when emotions are even-keel, and try to keep an even temper.

I know it’s not an easy scenario. You did say there was a lot of stress flying around lately, so that can be a huge contribution. Also, it could be medical. Has he had a physical lately? He might be turning to porn to make sure “it still works,” because it concerns him when he’s with you and it doesn’t work all the time. That in itself might stress him out to the point where he’s hyper analyzing. It’s a huge cycle in the male brain sometimes.

Have you looked into the Kama Sutra board game or something like that? That might be a fun way to take attention away from getting things done in a particular way. I hope that made sense, I’m not feeling well, but I hope you and he start feeling better soon.

Post # 14
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Psst. Happy New year from the east coast.

Post # 15
Member
3776 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

I asked my husband about this and this is what he said: Destroy the porn and tell him that you pare tired of being the only one going without.  He also added that you should dress up and a announce that while men are visually oriented, women are touch oriented and while he is being visually aroused you are going to go out and be physically aroused.  Fair is fair. (To prove your point, and hopefully he would not be okay with that but rather see your perspective)  I love my husband and I think that is stellar advice.

Post # 16
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

First off, I’m sorry your going through this.

so, If a year ago you found him on adult chat sites, and you consider it cheating—what made you still want to marry him over the summer? He promised to never do it again? You just decided to let it go?

 

The topic ‘I'm struggling to understand’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors