(Closed) I'm struggling to understand

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
1413 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Porn is one thing, and I see it as a separate thing because I like porn myself. Sometimes you just wanna see stuff that doesn’t go on in your bedroom and in some cases, you don’t even want to go on in your own bedroom. It’s fantasy. 

Talking to another person on video about sex–I don’t do that and I do consider that cheating.

You should take a little time to investigate what’s behind his bedroom issues. It could be that he’s having some form of erectial disfunction. It might be caused by exhaustion, stress, or his diet, I don’t know. He might be embarrassed by it and so it’s easier to just turn off in the bedroom than to have to face the frustration about his inability to “finish.”

He could be using porn to get his groove back. It’s easier, and it’s nonjudgmental because it’s just a video. Live sex chat….that’s different, but it still might be easier because he doesn’t know them or owe then a damn thing. They might talk to him in ways you don’t–and he’s embarrassed to ask you to do. He might not even want to hear that stuff out of your mouth because–it’s fantasy. Not condoning that with live chat, just trying to help you see why he might do it.

While he’s doing it, he might not even be thinking about the fact that it’s hurting you. It’s just like any other activity he does that you are not a part of, going to work, playing tennis, masterbation time. Remember, masterbation time had been his own personal time for a long time. Now, he might have to be made aware that, being married, it can also be your personal time together.

I think one way you can help your situation is try to ask him open-ended questions to learn if it’s an erection problem and if it’s stress or whatever. I don’t mean this in a rude way, but stop thinking about you and think about him–only him, not him as he relates to you. Take you completely out of it and try to find out what’s going on. Imagine yourself as a neutral party or his friend who is just trying find out what his issue is.

At the same time, I wouldn’t pressure him or put out a bunch of expections. I did this to my Fiance and it jus caused a lot of pain, resentment and friction. He had erection problems due to stress and he wouldn’t talk about it. He’d just avoid sex. He still looked at porn etc, but he avoided sex. This noncommunication wrecked havoc on our relationship, but eventually I figured out how to stop “hounding” him about sex and bombarding him with my feelings, and he eventually opened up about it. There’s a ton more to it, but I’ll just leave it there.

If you let everything you do be sexual without expectations, then your sexual situation will become more relaxed. If you are always in the bed, ready for it, and he knows he fails there, then he’ll avoid getting into that situation with you. Remember, men solve problems. He doesn’t know how to solve this, so he’s avoiding it.

So kiss him and make out with him in the kitchen–and STOP there. Pat him on the butt and go about your business. Make him see that’s all you wanted. to express love. Get hot and heavy in the laundry room and give him a blowjob. Then, walk off. That’s all you wanted, just to make him feel good. Toss your ta-ta’s in his face and let him do what he does. Then walk away. That’s all you wanted–just a little thrill. If he moves forward for sex, let him, but if he doesn’t–IT IS OKAY.

Once sex stops being an ondemand performance, he might loosen up. I’m not saying it’s your fault. I’m just giving you ideas about how to move him out of this phase. But if it’s phsycial, he might have to go to a doctor. Men hate doing to the doctor for this type of thing, so….

But I don’t think you need to be passive aggressive by stopping something else, because he’ll have no idea why you’re suddenly not doing whatever you normally do for the household, he’ll get upset and it will become about what YOU did, not the sex. Remember, the sex topic is what he’s avoiding. So don’t give him ammunition to avoid it more.

Don’t assume the worst about him, don’t expect every kiss or pat to become sex, and find a way to communicate until his issue surfaces. Oh, and you might say no to him once or twice when he wants to have sex. Do it lovingly and as if you’re just tired. That gives him the impression that it ain’t always just there on table waiting for him to devour, and that might make him more keen to get it when you want it. Don’t withhold it from him. I’m just saying if you do it three times a week, sacrifice one time to sweetly say, “honey, I’m so tired….” Maybe that will make him go for it more…in which case….hey, let him wear you down….

Now, if it’s not erection issues, then I don’t know what to tell you. And men can have erection issues at any age. 


Post # 18
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
@honeybee1999:  This is very good, well thought out advice. Your SO is lucky to have such an understanding and supportive partner.

To the OP, I would suggest that you see 1) A medical doctor to check into your husband’s situation. Erectice Disfunction can happen at any age and as embarrassed as your husband may be by it, it’s important to address it. 2) A therapist, maybe a relationship/sex therapist. You need to address your husband’s need to watch porn and participate in adult chat sites. This is not going to help yours be a happy, loving marriage where you 2 participate in intimacy. It’s actually going to hinder that.

Your husband is being selfish right now because he is not acknowledging that you have needs also. He is seemingly content to let you feel unloved, undesired and unfulfillled. All of which will ultimately mean a failed marriage. And seing that he knows that you just left a marriage like this, he should be even more open to fixing this, if he wants your marriage to be successful. Marriage is work, a partnership and both parties needs need to be met. Good luck to you.

Post # 20
4322 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

View original reply
@lorie:  Yay! So glad to hear the positive update. Open and direct communication does wonders!

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