(Closed) I’m struggling

posted 6 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
13015 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I understand where you’re coming from, as well as where he is.  Would you want to add your name as a second middle name?  That way you sort of compromise in the situation? 

Post # 4
Member
595 posts
Busy bee

Sorry you are in this sticky situation. Have you considered making your maiden name into your middle name? I know some Bees have done that because they don’t want to lose their maiden name. Just a thought, good luck! 
 

Post # 5
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

changing your name is the “most important thing” to him??? Um shouldn’t being married to you, be the most important thing? This guy needs to get his priorities straight.

 

I didn’t change my name and at first Dh was pretty upset, kind of a dick about it, But guess what well over a year later, he doesn’t care BECAUSE: It has no impact on our marriage, it doens’t make us any less married.

 

This is 100% Your choice, Not his.

Post # 6
Member
2702 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

have him put it in your perspective. Ask how he would feel if HE had to change his last name. It’s a big deal. It’s something that you can’t get used to overnight.

Post # 7
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

I am old fashioned so I am chnging my name… But my mom never changed hers, she kept her maiden name throughout her married life with her second husband, my stepfather.

(She changed it for her first marriage, my biological father, but since she divorced and resumed her maiden name, she went to work and everyone knew her as Jane Doe, so she didn’t want to change it because of her career)

Post # 8
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m in the same boat.  I feel especially connected to both my last name (my father’s surname) and my middle name (my mother’s surname), it doesn’t seem feasible to just add a third name.  Also, none of the women on my mom’s side (including my mom) changed their names when the married.

Post # 9
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Oh, and in the middle of a fight, I conceded that I would be willing to hyphenate becaus part of FI’s argument was that having the same name would make it feel more like we are a family.  Fiance said he wasn’t thrilled with that, but fine.  Then it turns out, he meant I could hyphenate my name and he would just keep his own, which defeats the entire purpose of my hyphenating so we can have the same name!

Post # 10
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

couldn’t you hyphenate? become mr and mrs yourname-hisname (or vice versa) so you would have the same name but both keep your own? That’s what we’re doing. It just seems fairer than one person having to give up entirely such an integral part of their idenity.

Post # 11
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If you both hyphenate, you can be “Mr. And Mrs. Smith-Jones” when you’re announced at the wedding.

If he’s not willing to do that, then you can point out that there must be a deeper reason. Ask him if he can see how unfair it feels to you that his “most important thing” is something that only has negative consequences for you, not him. 

Post # 12
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I hate the “more of a family” card. I grew up never having the same name as my mom, i never felt like we weren’t as much a family as other people with the same name. I also have a half brother with a different name, but i certainly consider him a Full brother.

I really don’t get why guys seem to get so offended by this.

Post # 14
Member
12 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2013

morgyporgy, obviously this is a loaded topic and he has the right to have an opinion. But if you don’t want to change your name, maybe you should frame it in your head that you don’t want to marry him until he is willing to listen to what you want too. Compromise is vital for a marriage but compromise means taking both ideas into consideration and not freezing the progression of the relationship until one person gives in. 

Post # 15
Member
1043 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m having a bit of the same struggle. I know this may not be for everyone, but I’m getting my maiden name (or initial) tatooed on me before the wedding, then I get to keep it forever, although I will still be called my married name.

The funny part is, that my last name is a common men’s first name, so it will look like I have some other man’s name tattooed on me. It should make for some fun stories!

 

 

Post # 16
Member
6248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

@MlleBrielle:  That’s what I did.  Fiance got to step in my shoes and he realized he wouldn’t want to change his name.  We ended up compromising and we are both changing our names to an old family name (that should have been FI’s real last name, but that’s another story).

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