Post # 1
I’m not much for this kind of thing, but I’m hoping someone out there will be able to give me some clarity on this issue…
I am 28 years old, and my boyfriend and I have been living with each other for about a year now. We’ve been together for almost 4 years. Before we moved in, we had multiple conversations about what that step would mean to each other, and made sure we were on the same page; we both wanted to get married to eachother at some point and have a family.
Over the past year, we continued to have passing conversations about kids, venues to get married, and he even asked me about the ideal proposal and type of ring (not like I care about the ring, but just goes to show the commitment that I thought was happening)…anyways, over the last few months I’ve felt this feeling that maybe he was going down a different path. So I brought it up, and we had a long “relationship update.”
Basically, I am ready to get married, and he’s not sure if he’s ready yet. He says sometimes he’s 100% sure, and other times he gets cold feet and isn’t sure. He says he still loves me, is still happy with me, and isn’t ready to give up yet. But that he understands if I need to move on because he knows kids are important to me. **Side note**his dad passed away about 5 years ago around this same time, so he’s usually depressed around this time of the year. His parents have divorced from eachother, twice, before his passing***
So what do I do!?
I love him and want to be with him, but I don’t want to wait for too long, for when it’s too late for me to find someone else and have a family. Am I over stressing about this? Some people have a dead set time limit, where as others are more relaxed and live in the moment. I’m a patient, and empathetic person, but I feel like it’s working to my disadvantage. Should I throw in the towel?
Post # 2
have you discussed a timeline with him? If not, I’d do so. But maybe not right now, given his sadness over his dad’s passing. Give it a few weeks and have a chat about what timeframe he is thinking as far as proposing. If you are not comfortable with that timeline, you need to voice that to him.
Post # 3
Thanks for youre reply ~ no I haven’t. We left it as “we’ll see where things go” more-or-less. A lot of people I talk to seem to have the same concensus that “if he doesn’t know by now, then he never will.” do you think that’s true?
Post # 4
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
I agree with PP. If you have an idea of when you would like to be married by, then you should have that discussion with him. The fact that he said he understands if you need to move on tells me that he knows how important marriage and a family are to you and he cares about you enough to not want you to sacrifice that, but that he also isn’t sure he will be ready in the timeframe you want. As long as you are prepared for either outcome (waiting a bit more or moving on), then no matter what happens, it will put you in a place to have the future you see for yourself.
Post # 5
Eh…yes and no. It seems like he does know that he wants to be with you forever and marry you. It sounds like he is
A) Sad about his dad’s passing, and
B) Just has cold feet
I think it’s very typical for most men to get cold feet before proposing. I was with my Fiance 4 and a half years before he proposed as well, and like you, I kept wondering “When is he going to propose?!” When he finally did, I asked him why he waited as long as he did, and he said that although he knew it was what he wanted, it’s such a major and scary decision that he got nervous. A lot of men I talk to say that. I think most women get cold feet right before the wedding, where as men get it before proposing. Just my experience though. It seems like your Fiance truly loves you and plans to commit. Give him some time to grieve the loss of his dad and then bring up a timeline. Good luck!
Post # 6
Sorry. I think after this amount of time he should know what he wants. You have had the conversation and now he is recanting. If this is something you really want I would move on. He should know by now. Some may say give him more time. Sorry. If he REALLY wanted to be married to you he would commit.
Post # 7
Thanks for your reply ~ no I haven’t. We left it as “we’ll see where things go” more-or-less. A lot of people I talk to seem to have the same concensus that “if he doesn’t know by now, then he never will.” do you think that’s true?
Post # 8
This is a really tough one, and no one can really give you advice about what to do – you have to just be true to yourself.
I understand the messages from some of the PPs (including the whole ‘if he doesn’t know by now then he never will’ sentiment) but this simply isn’t always the case – everyone is different. My DH and I never really seriously talked about marriage until the last couple of months before we got engaged. Before then, I was pretty hesitant to make such a big committment (loved my man, but I’m a bit of an uncertain person at the best of times, even though that may sound quite bad to some people) and if he had wanted a serious conversation about marriage in the future then I think it would have gone similarly to the one you had with your partner. At some point we hit a crossroads (suddenly realised our plans for the future might not be the same as they once were) and it put things in perspective. I realised it was what I wanted and was thrilled a couple of months later when my DH completely stunned me with a proposal.
What I’m saying is that while for many people they may know from the start, other people may have different personality traits that make things less clear cut. I’m a bit of a skeptic, have struggled with depression, and always ask myself ‘what if?’. These things can really alter my outlook and decision making process where other people might not hesitate. I can’t bear the thought that if my DH had written out our situation and asked strangers for advice that they might have interpreted that I was not really into our relationship. It’s hard to get the full picture.
I also think that you’ve done well to leave the conversation the way you did. I know it may seem reasonable to ask for a general timeline but in this sort of situation it just completely defeats the point – he doesn’t know, and having one just puts on more pressure. I think it’s important for you to have your own timeline though, so that you feel in control of your future. For instance, maybe you know that if you have this conversation again this time next year and he is in the same position then that would be a deal breaker for you.
Wishing you the best of luck!
Post # 9
I think the PP hit the nail on the head in that there really isn’t a one size fits all answer. With some guys, a few years is plenty of time for them to know, they have no intention of ever getting married, and if marriage is important, it’s better to walk, but for some, that’s just not how they think, and it really does take them more time. So, I think it’s important to think about what you know about this particular man and if/when this becomes a deal breaker for you.