Post # 1
I’m back again — where else would I rant about this??? :/ Not even going to give an overview or anything. Some of you will remember me. I just need to word vomit.
I am sooooo effing dumb and naive. And the worst part is, I should know better. I said I would never be this person growing up and here I am. Despite many threads and MANY advice from the Bees, I actually stayed. (Hey!! It’s love!) We went through a devastating break where he said everything he needed to. Worse, he even put a bit of effort in. All in vain. Of course in the following weeks, he quit everything and was back to his old ways.
But I naively believed in him, tried to push him along like he said he wanted. Stupidly thought things were going swimmingly.
Tonight, he turns to me and extremely casually says, “Haha, we’re not getting married anytime soon.” HEART. BROKEN. And then he started talking about something else? Like what he just said was nothing? Did he do that on purpose to torture me? Or is he that much of an idiot? After me prodding him about if there’s anything wrong, goes on to tell me all of the things that he thinks is wrong in our lives, including our sex life….which he NEVER mentioned until now? HEART. BROKEN. AGAIN.
I can’t take this. My heart cannot take this. Why did I stay with him????? I feel like these past 4 years was a waste and a lie. We have so many things tied up with each other, I don’t even know what to do, what to say.
I can’t believe I was so naive AGAIN. I will NEVER allow myself to be like this again.
Post # 2
Sorry I might have missed it, have you broken up with him or are you still together? My response is based on the assumption you’ve broken up.
Firstly, love makes people do stupid things. It makes us believe in someone and trust them. You believed in and trusted him, it didn’t work. It doesn’t mean you’re stupid or need to berate yourself. However, what it does mean is that you need to acknowledge this now and make choices based on this going forward. Use your anger about feeling stupid to ensure he doesn’t make you feel stupid again.
You haven’t wasted four years. Looking at like that assumes that life is only valid after marriage, which simply isn’t true. You still grew as a person in those four years and if this relationship has ended you can still learn from that and help it shape your future. These aren’t wasted years.
You have posted about your incompatibilies in your sex life. So unless things improved radically you had to know there was the potential for issues in that area. Or maybe you were thinking things were better than they are and hoping too much for one outcome?
Now you need to work out ifhis relationship is worth it. What are you getting from the relationship? Re-read your posts, I can see a number of times where you two haven’t built a partnership. Don’t focus on getting married to the wrong person, focus on finding a relationship with someone who will treat you like an equal and a partner. By focussing on the marriage issue you’re masking a lot of other issues in your relationship.
Post # 3
I’m a strong believer in someone making a decision themselves, so I understand why you stayed with him a bit longer and think it is a good thing you did. To explain – if you had left him based on the opinions of those around you and people on here you may have always wondered if it was the right thing to do as ultimately you wouldn’t have made the decision yourself.
Whereas this time round the decision is absolutely yours. I think you perhaps ‘needed’ to stay with him longer to truly believe and see for yourself that leaving him is the right thing to do. And now you do realise that and you shouldn’t have any regrets.
I do hope you have left him, as it sounds like you are quite certain now that this is what you want to do.
You mention feeling overwhelmed by the number of things you have tied in together – could you try making a list of the things which need to be sorted so you have a bit more control over it?
Post # 4
jpbee : +1
letterstolove : I agree with jpbee that you probably needed to stay longer to confirm what you felt before was actually right. It’s not easy giving up a relationship that has lasted so long. You need to know for sure that you’re not making a mistake one way or the other. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and understand the heartbreak you’re feeling. It’s hard knowing that the person you want isn’t the person you belong with. Figure out the logistics of separating from him and stand strong in your decision. You will come through the other end knowing you did what was right for you. Take some time for yourself and enjoy being single and the right guy will come along! Hugs!
Post # 5
Don’t feel like your time was wasted! You learned and grew during that time.
I stayed with my college boyfriend for almost eight years, even though there were signs all along that it wasn’t quite right. That meant that by the time that relationship ended, I knew exactly what I wanted and needed. I started dating Darling Husband less than six months later and we were engaged within a year.
Even a failed relationship can be a worthwhile learning experience.
Post # 6
Please please forgive yourself. Admire what a romantic you are. Be proud that you put in the effort and be even prouder that you finally realized when to walk away. Some people never figure it out. Be grateful for the wisdom you have now instead of hating yourself for what you couldn’t have known before. Something that really helped me was reframing my focus, so rather than continuing to beat yourself up, thank the heavens that you DIDN’T marry that fool. Thank god you DIDN’T have that deadbeat’s baby. Praise yourself for the bullets dodged and know that you have so much time and heart to come back from this. And trust that it’ll make a great “phoenix rising from the ashes” story. You now know better for next time.
Post # 7
Put your energy into building the new, not tearing down the past. If you really want to change, then leave him now. Ranting is an outlet that many women use to stay in a shit relationship. It gives them the release they crave, but nothing changes.
Save your angry energy and let it motivate you to leave his ass. You’ll be better for it.
Post # 8
Breaking up is never easy, and if you had gotten married, you’d now be wondering if you wasted 10 or 15 years.
But living and loving is never a waste. What is a waste is throwing good money after bad.
This guy isn’t worthy of your love. Find someone who loves you back with the same selfless devotion and loyalty. He’s out there, bee.
Post # 9
I may have missed it to but…did you break up with him?
Also, stop chastising yourself about this. I know how hard it is to leave. Love makes you blind to so many things. Now you know. These past 4 years haven’t been a waste. They’ve helped shape who you are as a person and how you know you should be treated in the future.
Post # 10
Drop kick him to the curb if you haven’t already.
Post # 11
We’ve all been a fool a time or two. SOMETIMEs, that is the only way to learn our biggest lessons and grow. Now you have all the information you need so…don’t go back! That is all there is to it. The 4 years was not a waste. It was a period in your life where you went through the hills and valleys and came out on the other end stronger and wiser. This is life. You will be okay. Move on and move up.