(Closed) I’m sure you’ve all read this a thousand times… (RANT ALERT)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t mean this in a mean way. Really I don’t — I promise. I scanned through your explanation of your situation, and your beliefs/values etc., and to be honest I don’t think that has a thing to do with the real issue. This — the dating for 4.5 years thing with no engagement in sight — is all happening because you are settling for it. Lots and lots of us have been in your shoes! Just tell him what you want. It’s as simple as that. Get the dialogue going. You two are either on the same page or you aren’t. My advice  — especially considering you’ve already invested 4.5 years in this relationship — is to find out sooner rather than later so that you can either make peace with not ever getting married to him, or move on and find someone who wants the same things you want.

 

Sorry if I came across as too blunt.  I ‘m only trying to help. Good luck, OP! Just take a few steps back, get your courage up, and let him know what you want. If he really loves you, he’ll do anything to keep you in his life. I believe that is always the bottom line.

Post # 4
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Well… I know a lot of the women on here managed to just sit down and say what was on their mind (marriage) to their SO. I was not one of them. My version of “Are we ever going to get married?” involved lots of tears and a fair amount of liquor but it was totally worth having. You need to know where he stands and he ought to know how you feel. Even if the answer isn’t what you want it isn’t going to be as horrible as you are making it out to be. If your SO is making long term plans with you… He wants to be with you. He might tell you that he doesn’t want to get married and that may be a deal breaker for you that you have to discuss but… its also possible he doesn’t know you want to get married.

I’m informed by “the guys” in my group of friends that the scariest part of proposing is not knowing if she wants to get married.

Post # 5
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You have to talk to him and tell him all of these things. Thats really all there is to it. You don’t want to propose to him without talking these things out–that goes for anyone proposing! You should both know that you’re on the same page before that question is asked, IMO.

Will he ever share the same excitement about a wedding as you do? Maybe, maybe not. I went through a phase around 22 when I was telling everyone that I never wanted to get married, didn’t see the point of it, was happy where things were, etc, etc.

I changed my mind. Seeing how important it is to you, he may too. But he sounds like a logical person–you might need to verbalize why you want a wedding and why a marriage is important to you and takes a step above the partnership you have now.

Post # 6
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

One place to start might be considering what marriage means to him, and to you. If you eloped, would it feel the same, or do you need to have your family and friends there? If he doesn’t want to spend money, could you just run off the courthouse or is this somethig where you want a party to celebrate your relationship? If he doesn’t want to get married, why not, what does he think constitutes a marriage? Maybe comsider both your feelings on this matter, if that makes sense.

Post # 7
Member
1311 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree with all comments above.

People grow and change a bit too. I knew a girl that was in a 10 year relationship with a guy that told her straight up that he doesn’t believe in marriage and that they will never get married. That he sees no point in it at all. She (because she loved him) didn’t worry about it so much the first few years but as they went by she started to feel more down and resetnfull of him, because she was compromising her wants/needs. She came up with a plan to have a celebration party instead, kinda like a wedding without the papers. Where they promised their love in front of their friends.

I would be honest with your SO and tell him how you feel. He is suppose to be your partner for life, your best friend 🙂 

Post # 8
Member
2207 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

i completely agree that you need to talk to him about it.  honestly, it sounds like you guys have a pretty great life together and he’s really excited for the future.  he probably hasn’t brought up getting married because you haven’t either. and maybe he doesn’t want to get married, but if you show that it is so important to you, i don’t see why he wouldn’t at least consider it.  i definitely think the first step is to talk about it. if you need a good way to bring it up, why not talk about a friend/acquantance who just got engaged (they seem to be in abundance lately for me haha) and just say something like “oh did you hear that ____ and _____ are getting married?  do you see yourself as the kind of person who gets married?”  i know it can be awkward, but at least you can get it out there and get his opinion so you can deal with it!

Post # 9
Member
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Yes, talk to him about it. You seem to have a great relationship, and have built your lives together, so you should be able to discuss it. If you never brought up marriage, he doesn’t know you’re wanting it, and has no reason to think about it. I also agree with the others that you should absolutely discuss it before surprising him with a proposal- those kinds of decisions should not be a surprise, only the time/manner of proposal should be.

I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely and down, maybe you need a boost of confidence. You’re an independent woman, you work hard, and don’t need someone to take care of you. Is there some activity you’d like to start to possibly make a friend or two in your small town?

Part of being independent is sticking up for what you want, and it’s what you should do. If you didn’t think about marriage before and now you do, that’s ok! Tell him your reasons, besides the commercial stuff, for wanting to marry him. And if he plans on spending forever with you, and realizes marriage is important to you, he could very well decide to want it too. But you need to think before this conversation how much you want marriage, and if you’ll be happy in this relationship without it.

Post # 11
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I have to agree with the others that it is time to put the big girl panties on and have the scary talk.  I was pretty much in your same situation in that my SO told me he didn’t know if he wanted to get married, to anyone, period.  We had already been together 3.5 years and living together for 2.5.  I had to say the hardest things ever and I was petrified because I could have gotten a response I didn’t want to hear. 

You have to stand up for what you want in the relationship too.  I told Boyfriend or Best Friend he had 6 months to figure out if he wanted to get married and have a kid because I wanted that and just as it would not be fair of me to try to push him to do something he didn’t want to do, it wasn’t fair of him to expect that I would just give that up.  It came down to whether we wanted the same things in life and the fact that I could not accept not being married at some point.  If it makes you feel any better though he took me shopping and bought a ring a month later..I’m just waiting on the proposal.

Good luck, you cna do it!

Post # 13
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@bikukii:  I’m so glad it worked out for you  – Sometimes these guys just need a little guidance and reminder – best of luck to the waiting game! 

Post # 14
Member
203 posts
Helper bee

@bikukii: So pleased for you. Smile

Maybe a few of us ‘silently’ waiting Bees will be inspired…

Post # 15
Member
2411 posts
Buzzing bee

Hey OP, a little bit of wine never did any harm!

 

; )

Woohoo! (Applause, applause) I love happy endings. Congratulations on your wonderful news and best wishes for a long and happy life together!

🙂

Post # 16
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@bikukii:  Oh damn… i didn’t see the update.  Congratulations!!!!!!

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