Post # 17
You are almost writing about what I have been dealing with. My Fiance and I only have one grandparent left between us, and we don’t even know if he can make it, but I have had other people ask me the most random stuff. A bridesmaid asked if she could cut her hair in November… I really really don’t care… I was also asked by a friend if their was a color scheme for guests… I have heard of that being done, but dear god, I would never subject my guests to that.
I think though, part of it may be that people want you to narrow down their options. It’s like the brides that tell girls they can wear what ever dress they want in X collor. There are tons of dresses in X color, and you are asking me to corrdinate with 3 other girls who I may have never met. But take me shoping, give me examples of what you like, tell me what you are wearing, and it gets easier. You might want to ask your Future Mother-In-Law if it would make her happy for you and her to go shopping with the grandmas and that you will provide a tie for the grandpas, but they can wear their own suits.
Post # 18
I had some of the sames issues – there were things I stressed out about, but what family and my wedding party wore were not that important to me. I gave me girls 3 dresses to choose from (ironically, they all chose the same one), and soon I was getting questions about how long the dress should be on them, should they get it hemmed/altered, and so on.
I told one girl that the dress could be whatever length she was comfortable with (it was short – so knee length, tea lengh, whatever worked) and she said “It’s your vision!” Ha – I told her my vision was blurry!
I think some brides must really stress out their maids – one the girls (two of them were DH’s friends) broke a nail off after we got manicures before the wedding and went out that night in a town she didn’t know to find a nail salon that was still open so she could get it fixed – she didn’t want to upset me. I could’ve cared less about her nails! The manicures were just a fun bonding experience for me.
I tried to remind myself that it was sweet that they cared about my wedding.
Post # 19
@SarahTee: you sound like me – I’m discovering that by saying that you don’t care, people think that you really do care and are afraid to say so.
My BMs WOULD NOT PICK THEIR DRESSES – I told them they had to be black and knee length and from the same designer. I sent them lines I liked and told them to pick. They refused. They were convinced that I had a secret preference. Finally I had to step in and pick one of the lines and say these are the dresses – pick the style you like, even then 2 of the 4 (the ones who aren’t my sisters) offered to change their pick if I didn’t like them.
My one Bridezilla thing has been the Bridesmaid or Best Man shoes, I wanted them to all be the same and be purple. The girls agreed, and all said they’d buy them – they were $60. My one sister, the youngest, never really looked at them, never responded much. The other 3 had bought them by the time she looked and saw they were 4″, now she won’t stop complaining. I don’t really care. I’ll be a jerk about that, but for most of it, I’m like you, I just don’t care that much and people don’t get it.
Post # 20
@SarahTee: I’m like this too, and I think sometimes it’s worth remembering that while in general being laid back is good, some people would prefer some direction.
When it comes to the guest list, I think you did the right thing, as you chose what was easiest for you (in some ways; it’s saved you the headache of having to deal with them fretting over how to cut it down, and has meant that the save the dates will go out on time, etc).
With the grandmothers attire, it seems that your Future Mother-In-Law would like guidance. So, while you may not care, I’d suggest giving them some ‘ground rules’ as that might make them feel better. Now, they don’t have to be strict rules, and they could just be common sense ones (eg ‘I would prefer that you didn’t wear ivory/cream/white, or black, and I would prefer the dresses to be at least knee-length’); but that way perhaps they’ll feel more comfortable choosing what to wear? You could also show the photos of what your grandmothers are wearing and suggest they co-ordinate (if appropriate). I just get the feeling they’d appreciate some guidance, so even if you couldn’t care less (I’m the same in terms of what our parents wear), pretend you do 🙂
Post # 21
@SarahTee: Oh gosh yes. I’m the same. I actually went into the planning process with no theme or colors because I just didn’t care. I let my bridesmaids pick the color dresses they’d like (we all agreed on “blue”) and I told them I didn’t give a crap what dress they picked. This caused some frustration on their end, not having any really set guidelines, so they banded together and said “hey look, we’re getting dark blue/navy dresses and shopping together” and I was all for it. It makes it easier for them. Now I’m going to go with one and pick fabric swatches from Joanne’s to send to the rest to give them some more guidelines.
What I learned from this is that the more YOU think you’re making it easier on everyone by not caring and leaving it totally open ended, it actually makes it harder on them not having any guidance. Which sucks, beause it’s the opposite of what you’re trying to do!
Post # 22
@SarahTee: It’s great that you feel laid back and all, but for people that suffer from anxiety, a lack of direction is extremely stressful. People like this constantly worry that they are going to make a fool of themselves be misinterpreting things, or that tgeir dress will look cheap like they’re some hobo grandma, or overly extravagant like they’re uppstaging the other grandmas, or are going to otherwise spoil the day with a blatantly wrong choice.
Tell them you don’t have strict requirements, send photos of the dresses already picked out, and tell them that you would be willing to look at their selections and give a yay or nay vote. Even if it’s low priority for you, it will alleviate their worries.
Post # 23
People make a color scheme for their guests? That’s just freaking crazy. I’ve heard of black and white weddings, but could never in my wildest dreams imagine giving color instructions (unless it was for some kind of cultural ceremony or something like that). “Dear Guest, please wear peacock green and tangerine orange. Note: clementine orange is unacceptable. Thanks!”…. I’d die. I actually was going to do the pick any dress in X color and fabric for the BMs, but decided choosing a line of similar dresses with different necklines that they could choose from would be much easier. I highly doubt Future Mother-In-Law will want me to go with her and the grandmothers, she’s just like that. It’s a tad ridiculous.
I guess you’re right with the brides stressing out their maids. Maybe some girls have been in weddings for true bridezillas and think that every bride is going to have a mental breakdown if one of their maids has a broken nail. My maids are, luckily, not being crazy… yet lol.
That’s a shame your sister doesn’t like the shoes. But to me.. you snooze, you lose. Right? I’m sure she will get over it. This makes me think that I should give the girls parameters for the shoes, because my 20 y/o cousin will undoubtedly choose 6 inche stilettos that she looks like an idiot walking in.
It defintiely seems to be a catch 22. Be a bridezilla, and you’re a pain, be a LBB and you’re also a pain. *sigh* there is no winning, is there? I think thats a great I idea, and what I will end up doing, for the grandmas dresses. Also I can’t for the life of me figure out what parameters I should give because I was honestly hoping for each grandmother to look like themselves and not like what I choose for them!
Like I said to Barbie86… total catch 22. Although I honestly have given some guidelines. I did tell them no black and no A-line, and told them the colors of my grandmothers dresses. I just sent her photos of the other gowns, so hopefully that helps ease her mind.
Oh I totally get the anxiety thing. I have anxiety (heyooo prozac!) and know how it feels to have to pick things from scratch. But I have given them as much guidance as I can before it turns into lying for the sake of shutting them up. I don’t want black, I don’t want a-line, and I don’t want them to feel like they have to have the same length as everybody else. It still doesn’t seem like enough though :-/
Post # 24
There was an article on this site about it a while ago. I don’t think it’s as normal as the person who wrote the artcile made it out to be, but I wouldn’t be suprised if it happened. There are some nutters out.
Giving that much guidance to your bridesmaids is SO helpful when you are giving them a choice. Wish the bride I’m in a wedding for would give me that kind of guidence.
Post # 25
I found myself overwhemed sometimes with the stuff people were asking me, especially on the day-of because we put it all on ourselves. It seemed like the more I left certain things up to people, the more they would check back with me to make sure it was okay when no, I really don’t care!
I actually learned pretty quickly to make snap decisions. It seems like my helpers got a lot more done when they had something to go on (“I want this banner at this height looking like this, do every one the same way”) even if I didn’t actually care about those specifics at all. And if someone wanted to do it a different way, I just said, “Yes, good idea, go with that!”
Post # 26
I feel the exact same way. My opinion is, these people are adults and I fully trust them to show up where they need to be looking appropriate. I don’t think I should need to micromanage my friends and family. Beyond that, if they show up in sweatpants it reflects more on them than on me so I just really don’t care.
Post # 27
I was very laid back during planning (though I did not enjoy it). I’ve learned that people do like some guidelines, esp on what they should wear. “I don’t care” usually isn’t a good enough answer and usually leads to more questions.
Post # 28
As I said I’d just give them reeeaaallly general guidelines, so that it looks like you’re giving them guidelines, while still essentially letting them where what they choose, eg.
‘I’d prefer it if you didn’t wear ivory/white/cream or black’ (most people avoid those colours for weddings anyway, so, it looks like you’re giving them guidelines, but really you’re just suggesting they don’t wear colours that they wouldn’t anyway)
‘I think that something knee-length or longer would be most appropriate’ (again, it’s unlikely they’re planning on wearing mini-dresses, so you’re not saying anything they wouldn’t already do)
Basically, just look like you’re setting ‘rules’, to make them feel better, without actually setting rules that you’re not comfortable with. Does that make any sense lol?
Post # 29
@SarahTee: I think that digging up photos of the dresses would help the situation in a huge, huge way. It would really help to give them some sort of guide and stop a lot of the questions. (I hope!)
Post # 30
LOL. I feel you on the whole dress code issue. My husband and I really couldn’t care less what people wore. We just wanted everyone to show up. So after the 20th person asked us about a dress code we sent out a notice stating:
We really don’t care what you come to our wedding in. Dress up, dress down, as long as you’re actually wearing clothing of some type (we decided to add the “wear clothing part because we have some smart ass friends that probably would have come naked).
Post # 31
I was so laid back at first that I think it annoyed my mother and my maids. Finally I did have to pick out a dress for them – they didn’t want to go out and pick their own coordinating dresses! They were never happier than when I sent them the link from J Crew and said “That one, what size do you need?”