(Closed) I'm the MOH, and I feel like I'm going nuts (re: Destination wedding)

posted 5 years ago in Destination Weddings
Post # 3
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

@MOHgoneCrazy:  The expectation these days of people that all of their close friends and relatives willl fly off on vacation with them is one of the most selfish things of medern times. I simply can’t grok it.

But OP, for your future peace of mind you’ve got to exercise that “No” muscle. But I suspect that this event will leave you feeling enough used and abused that you’ll set stronger boundaries with others.

Post # 4
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I was just in your shoes a month ago. I wish I could give you the advice that you want, but I never said a word. Mr. LK and I gritted our teeth, paid the money, and were the bride’s servants for the entire trip. It was work the entire time that we were there because she was DIYing a destination wedding and is not an organized planner-type person, so there was a lot of chaos, stress, and manual labor to deal with. Like you, the bride is not one of my besties. She’s a friend, and a sweet person, but not someone I am particularly close to. But all of her other friends punked out on her, leaving me to pick up the entire workload. I did the absolute best that I could with a smile premanently plastered on my face, and counted down the minutes until it was all over and we were home again.

Post # 6
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@MOHgoneCrazy:  Wow -sticky situation. However, you’re pretty awesome for doing all of that, even if the bride doesn’t recognize it.

I know you said you don’t have a schedule yet, but you know the day you’re getting there and the day the actual ceremony takes place, so hopefully you can budget in some time. I imagine the bride and groom will want to use this as a cominbined wedding/honeymoon. I would think that after the ceremony they would like to be a little more on the alone side, so you and your Fiance can have some time together to enjoy what sounds like a much needed vacation.

Also, it may be hard, but like the other bee said, exercise your no muscle. Try and have the bride prioritize her to-do list. Like, maybe she doesn’t really need you there for hair or makeup, but wants you there for flowers since you’ll be holding them.

Good luck, hope it all works out!

Post # 7
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

@MOHgoneCrazy:  Unfortunately, I had no time for myself, or for Mr. LK or teen LK for that matter. We were only there for 4 days, so that probably impacted thing, too, because I had limited time to get it all done. I would wake-up, eat breakfast, and begin my service to the bride. I got to see my husband and son again at dinner, or if they happened to be passing through whatever space I was working in. Mr. LK was also pretty much constantly working (he was manual labor and the officiant and he only got the ceremony script from the couple 3 days before the wedding). We hauled chairs and tables in our truck and did all of the set-up while the bride got mad that everyone was asking her for directions on what to do, and then pouted when we stopped asking her and started making our own executive decisions on how things should be set-up. I steamed all of the creased linens (they were still folded in their packages. she had not thought to open them and get the creases out ahead of time). The bride’s SIL, brother, and I figured out how to set-up the centerpieces because the bride had never done a test run with them to figure out what she actually wanted. I ran the rehearsal, kept the groom’s mother at arms length at all times so she didn’t piss off the bride (or groom, for that matter) any more, set out all of the decor (with other people, thankfully), ran the actual wedding as the point person for the photographer/caterer/cake person/DJ, followed the bride around to make sure her make-up looked photo ready at all times, and even fetched her slippers because her feet hurt but she didn’t want to leave the dance floor. And then we cleaned up and packed up everything when it was all over and hauled it away.

Basically my bride had no clue what she was getting herself into because she has no event planning/logistics experience, and still has no clue how hard some people busted their butts to make her happy. She had a fantasy, and I tried my best to make that come true for her. As I said before, she is a nice person with a good heart. I wanted her to be happy. I just wish I had actually been able to enjoy the “vacation” that we spent a lot of money and time on instead of working the entire time. But if I had sat on my ass as other people were doing, it would have ended up being a disaster. Someone had to get that ish done.

Post # 8
Member
3266 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

This is a shame and I’m really sorry to hear this. One thing I can say (as a destination bride) is that maybe she doesn’t understand the gravity of what she’s asking you to do. Afterall, she’s getting married so she probably imagines that the entire world revolves around this fact (because, why on EARTH would she suggest you don’t bring your fiance so that you can be at her beckon call unless she wasn’t thinking clearly). I think one thing YOU can do is set aside some time for youself and inform her of the days/times that you won’t be available rather than waiting for her to provide a schedule for you. By all means, make dinner reservations, or buy zipline tickets or whatever and just let her know “hey, I’m glad to do a few errands with you, but just so you know Thursday night and Friday morning are off limits. ok?

Post # 9
Member
7394 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Sorry to hear. This is why expectations and boundries need to be in place from the get go. Since they weren’t you need to establish them now. I wanted a desitnation wedding as well, but I would never expect my Maid/Matron of Honor to be the non paid hired help. That’s what a wedding planner is for. And I can’t stand brides who want to nickle and dime and cut costs where it matters. People love to claim DIY when its in fact, putting pressure on friends and family to committ their free time to the brides projects. It’s not right. 

 

Post # 10
Member
7394 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@lovekiss:  Wow your a great freind. I just don’t understand how obtuse some people can be. 

Post # 11
Member
11271 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MOHgoneCrazy:  you are way too nice.  set your limitations and boundaries now.  you know when the wedding and rehearsal are.  plan your vacation around that.  tell the bride that you are taking unpaid time to be there, not to mention the cost of the trip, so you will be enjoying your vacation with your fi as well.  you will be available to her for the rehearsal and the day of the wedding.  she can have her mother help her with the other stuff.  if she wants you to be available all week, tell her what your hourly rate is and to fork out the price of the trip.  if she does that, then you are all hers.

Post # 14
Member
8695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

I now understand why my mom was dead set on me having a destination wedding.

Post # 15
Member
3685 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Especially since you aren’t that close to the bride, you need to start saying ‘no.’ I would have said no right about when I found out that the trip itself (minus wedding costs) would be $4000. It’s nice that you didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but is it worth $6000?

The topic ‘I'm the MOH, and I feel like I'm going nuts (re: Destination wedding)’ is closed to new replies.

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