Post # 1
Ok so this may be kind of long, but I really need some advice from you Bees. I have been with my fiance for 5 years now. In the beginning everything was going great, there was tons of passion, lots of stuff in common and we could talk for hours. Since the summer, all that has seemed to stop. I see him maybe twice a week and when we do see each other, we don’t communicate well. Our conversations normally don’t move past work. The passion has seemed to completely die out (we have sex maybe once every 2 months). I am also starting to see signs of my parents relationship (which is not a good thing) where he is beginning to remind me a lot of my dad meaning: not being able to stand up to his family, not being able to stand up to me, and putting himself before everything. It also seems as if his maturity level has gone down while mine has gone up. I have to push him to do anything anymore which I do not like. He is at the age where he should be motivated to make his/our life better. It has become clear to me that I am not excited about the wedding at all and am started to second guess myself. In the beginning of our engagement I was all about the wedding and I could not wait. Now, I just wish it would all go away, and it is to the point where I just put any wedding thing off. I don’t know if this is a normal feeling because I am stressed out or if I shouldn’t be having these feelings to begin with.
I don’t know if I would be strong enough to call off the wedding. It is so close (i’m talking a few months here) and save the dates are already mailed out and invitations should be going out in the next week. It doesn’t help that we live together either.
Post # 3
Oh hun, call it off, better now than when the invites go out. Dont go through with a wedding if you have an doubts.
Post # 4
Sorry you’re feeling like this. Its hard for anyone to tell you what to do, but you should go with your gut. If you feel physically sick to do wedding things than you probably shouldn’t be marrying him. If it is more hesitation and nerves then you may be able to work it through. Either way you need to talk about these feelings with your Fiance.
Post # 5
A lot of relationships do this – they stalemate. Have you discussed this with him? He probably feels the same way, but like you, doesn’t know how to bring it up. Have you taken a pre-marital course? If not, I would consider one – it gives you advice on how to get through the good AND the bad. Is there a way you two could take a weekend away with each other, maybe somewhere romantic? It might mean given up a chocolate fountain, but at least it would save things. People don’t realize that weddings can stress men out too, maybe your FH is stressed too, which compounds because you’re living together.
I would take a break from wedding (just put it down). Rekindle yourselves. Reconnect.
Post # 6
I think you should be open about your feelings with him, this is not normal to feel like that. I can’t see myself without my honey, he’s my everything. When you want to marry someone you should feel like there’s absolutely no doubt in your mind or heart that he is the one.
Post # 7
You should speak to him openly and honestly. Tell him you are having second thoughts. Don’t let him convince you otherwise if you really are doubting this is ‘forver and ever.’
You haven’t mailed out the invitations yet. Stop, while you are ahead. Save the gown or donate it back to the salon and tell them to find a military bride to give it to. Or post it on Craig’s List. Move on.
I don’t think this is last minute jitters. You sound fairly sure and you wouldn’t have written us if you are down to your socks happy.
You can send call a cluster of friends/family and tell them to call selected cells. They’ll get the word out. Don’t worry. If you are unsure, they may have been also. The handwriting on the wall doesn’t just appear out of nowhere. Those close to you may have sensed it also.
My friend married an idiot. The night before the wedding it was all about him. We were all looking at each other making eye contact but not speaking. He was acting like a jerk. She didn’t see it; In a year, she did. She got divorced. She didn’t sense anything. You are. Call a close friend and ask her or him what their personal feedback is on your relationship. You may hear things you didn’t know.
You are in a pickle; but you’re not stuck in the brine. You still have time. Listen to your heart. What does it say? We are not the final decision makers on your life; and, we really don’t know the full circumstances. But my gut says, if you took the time to write, it’s not right. Keep in touch. Best of luck.
Post # 8
Please, please, please at least postpone the wedding until you’ve fully addressed these feelings with him. You owe it to both of you to tell him how you feel and see if there’s still a happy future for you together.
Forget about the Save the Dates and your wedding plans; your happiness comes first and you should definitely not go through with a wedding you’re not sure about just because a few pieces of paper have been sent off through the mail.
I wish you lots of strength and courage. Listen to your gut, it’s usually right.
Post # 9
I think you should postpone. I think your answer will become clearer when you see *how* your Fiance reacts to you bringing the issue up. Will he be mature? Want to find a solution or work on making things better? or will he- Blame you ? or tell you you are crazy or that nothing is wrong.
You may want to check this out too:
Another poster mentioned this site and it might help you with what you are feeling..
“In the last decade, I’ve worked to bring the wedding’s shadow into the light and have counseled thousands of women and men worldwide to help them understand what is happening to them. Conscious Weddings is based on the premise that the wedding is an important rite of passage, an event that signifies a change in identity for the bride and groom and a significant transition for parents. The true work during the engagement is not so much about finding the perfect cake and flowers as it is separating from and grieving the ties to the current identity, exploring fears about marriage, and having honest conversations about expectations of what it means to be a “wife” and “husband” today. These are the core emotions that underlie what we commonly refer to as engagement anxiety and cold feet. If this work is not done during the engagement, people often need to revisit the wedding emotions until the transition feels complete. It is never to late to complete this transition, and no matter where you are on your marriage journey, Conscious Weddings bridal counseling can assist you in having the wedding, and marriage, of your dreams.”
Post # 10
I second postponing the wedding. Even if you’re not excited about the wedding, you should at least be excited for the marriage! Perhaps your Fiance is having second thought about it too, so talk to him and see whether or not you guys can get back on the same page. If I were in your shoes..i would rather have a broken engagement then an unhappy marriage.
Post # 11
It’s very possible that he is acting differently because he has a lot of anxiety about getting married which is something that i think most men go through but don’t all admit to. It does affect they way they act and in turn that affects how psyched you are about the wedding.
I think it’s too soon to advise postponement or not. You guys simply need to bring it up and out into the open and discuss what feelings are behind this. Keep in mind that it might take some hard work getting him to a place where he’s really opening up about what’s going on in his head and how he’s feeling.
Good luck and if you don’t like what you hear at the end of the discussion and after thinking about it for a few days, you’re not stuck. You can do whatever will ultimately make you the happiest.
By The Way, I was in the same exact situation – STD’s mailed out, live together, together for over 5 years and we had the difficult talks but finally got to a place where we are excited to move forward with the wedding again.
Post # 12
@ConfusedGirl: This could be a down time?…but you really need to work things out of you want to go through with it. More date nights, more sex, and some couples counseling would do wonders. Sometimes guys can be immature but it doesn’t mean they always are…my relationship does this sometime, but we work together to get it GOOD again. Really good. I know that is how marriage will be, some good times and some bad.
I’m sorry you are going through this though 🙁
Post # 13
You guys should find new things to do together. Take a class, go on a long, exciting trip, make plans for the future (beyond “house, kids. job, retire”). If there’s nothing really going on in your lives, you won’t have anything to talk about.
Post # 14
I think a lot of good advice has been posted- don’t worry about the wedding right now, worry about figuring out what is going on.
Relationships have their ups and downs, but you don’t want to make a mistake. If you feel like you might be, you need to address that before you can move forward.
Post # 15
I can’t tell you what to do in your particular situation but I can tell you about my experience. I was engaged to my college sweetheart and ended up calling off the wedding. The first two years of our (four year) relationship were great and I kept holding on to that but it just wasn’t like that anymore. I had grown and changed and he was the same person he was when we were 18 and we weren’t compatible anymore. It was the hardest decision I have ever made and the logistics of it were really hard as well. We lived together also, so I moved into an apartment and we had to figure out how to split everything up. Even though it was difficult, it was absolutely the right decision. I was so much happier being single than I was with him and I am now marrying the right guy for me four years after the first guy and I broke up. There will be times when it is hard but it is a lot easier than being unhappily married or ultimately getting divorced. As far as cancelling the wedding is considered, I would recommend asking your mom/sister(s) if you have any to do as much of that as they can if they are supportive of your decision. They can call vendors, guests, etc and it will be a lot easier if you don’t have to do it yourself. Weddings get cancelled all the time and your guests/vendors will be understanding.
Post # 16
I’m all for addressing this with him and gaging his response- things aren’t going to change over night. It took my husband a long time to stand up to his family, but he does it now (it’s still sometimes very hard and taken a few attempts).
Marriage isn’t always full of passion and great- sometimes it really sucks.
All that being said, if you feel in your heart this is not going to work and you do not want to work it out- call it off.