Post # 62
Nothing worth having is easy. You may not be his mother but you are his wife and clearly he needs you. Your child has this man for a father whether you stay married to him or not, maybe that should be your motivation to try and help him.
Two months, 60 days. Even Kim Kardashian managed to make it 72 days
Post # 63
Marriage isn’t easy. Relationships aren’t easy.
It’s probably not easy having a wife who wants to give up on you because you have a mental illness.
Post # 64
@rozzy: When you took your vows, did you mean them?
Post # 65
@rozzy: You are right, your not his mother, you are his partner though.
I think you really need to read up on depression and try to make the situation easier on him. It’s not just something you can snap out of, it is like being trapped under murky water. You clearly have no idea what it is like.
Post # 66
You’re going to divorce your husband because he’s depressed? He needs love, support and help, not a divorce. That’s pretty harsh. Did you take anything in your vows seriously? Did you have an unrealistic expectation about marriage? It isn’t sunshine and rainbows and if depression is going to make you divorce a person, what will happen in your next marriage? You have a nasty fight and you divorce him for “anger issues”?
ETA: You know what? Divorce him. Do it. Someone who needs help doesn’t need a toxic person like you in their lives. Depression is serious, and it has taken lives. The sooner you’re out of it, the sooner he can get help and move on. I find it really sad that you’re just so casual about throwing away a marriage, something some people can’t even have because you can’t handle your husband’s mental illness. God forbid something like this happens to you, and maybe your friends and family will treat you the same way.
Post # 67
@rozzy: it’s not easy but i don’t think anyone here is saying it is. i have bipolar disorder and i know i’m hard to deal with sometimes even though i’m on medication. for bipolar, meds only lesson the severity of the episodes, not make them go away completely. if my DH wanted to divorce me because of this, it would be devastating to me. he took vows to be with me forever and he sticks by those. he sticks by me even when i have an episode because he loves me and he understands that i have no control over my mental illness. i do believe that if you try and try and your husband absolutely will not get help, then you can consider leaving (and i mean if he won’t get help after at least a year. not after being married for only 2 months) but please, before you get to that point, make sure he knows you support and love him and are willing to help him through this. he needs to know that.
Post # 68
@rozzy: Okay. I think we have all made our points, and it is clear what most of us would do – stay, be supportive, try to understand, seek help, etc. I realize you are being attacked for considering leavin the man you just vowed to spend your life with and I am still firmly in the camp that it is the wrong thing to do.
However, regardless of what we would do or how harshly you will be judged, only you know what you can live with. If you can’t deal with it, then you can’t. I would think you would have noticed at some point during the engagement that he suffered from depression, but maybe you didn’t. In that case, you marrried someone you didn’t truly know.
If what we are saying isn’t reaching you and inspiring you to support your man, then leaving is the best thing to do. Hopefully you can both find partners who understand you – I think both of you will be better off that way. I wouldn’t want a partner who would leave me when the going got tough, so if he was that kind of person then good thing I only wasted 2 months.
Post # 69
You and your husband are both in need of some education on depression and what it is.
Post # 70
@rozzy: OP, we know it’s not easy. Plenty of other people have had to deal with depressed spouses/significant others (myself included) and know EXACTLY how difficult it is. But let’s be honest, 2 months is not a legitimate attempt, and the fact that you are calling it quits implies that you either are completely ignorant about depression as a medical condition, and also don’t take marriage seriously.
My DH went through a serious period of depression early in our relationship. For a long time he didn’t want to get help, and even when he did he didn’t take it seriously. But with support from me and his family he finally did. It took a long time (like 2 years) for him to get through that bout of depression, and it was really hard on me. He sometimes wouldn’t talk to me, wouldn’t want to hang out in favor of playing computer games. It was the only time in our relationship he would lie to me, and it was all to hide his depression. Even though I wasn’t the one with depression, eventually it really wore on me and it was not a happy period in my life. But I loved him enough to want to try to help him.
I stayed with him and worked through it, years before I was legally bound to him. The fact that you are already married and are so quick to jump to divorce speaks volumes about you in a very negative way.
Post # 71
Are there any free or low-cost health or mental health clinics in your area? If you live in or near a city, these kinds of clinics are likely available. If you can find one, can you get him to go? You’ll have to make the appointment and go with him, but if you can get him to go and talk to a professional, then do it. I understand how frustrating it is, having had an extended-stay houseguest who was suffering from depression and/or other mental health issues. Do you and he have any friends or family who have noticed your husband’s problems and would be willing to help you try to get him to be treated?
Post # 72
Honestly, this post does not surprise me one bit.
OP stay in counseling for yourself & decide where to go from there. You seem to have a litany of problems in this relationship and I think it’s time you both take responsibility for the parts in the state of your relationship.
Post # 74
By The Way, anhedonia (lack of pleasure or the capacity to feel it) is classic to depression. I did my thesis on depression and help-seeking behaviors. It’s not as cut and dry as you think. One of the positives here is that he has you. You are part of his support system. You can be his advocate while he’s down. You’re his WIFE. You are each other’s champions.
I work with elderly clients with pervasive mental illness. A few of the suffer from depression. Some of them have family support, some have been abandoned. It’s awful to know that the depression is probably why some of those people were given up on. They’re wonderful people and deserve that effort.
Saying “it’s tougher than you think” is a cop-out. Yes, it’s tough. People with family members with autism, intellectual and physical delays, as well as other disabilities know your pain. It’s not easy, but there are ways to help. As I have said, you can see if there’s a clinic in your area. Give them a call and explain your situation. See what services you’re eligible for. Then go and take those services!
Post # 75
@rozzy: you can’t blame him. I have severe depression and I know how exhausting and frustrating to feel the way he does. It makes it even worse when our spouse doesn’t understand where we come from. a lot of things are easier said than done. Please support him by getting him the help he needs along with standing by his side.
Post # 76
@rozzy: Sorry to educate you any further but sometimes people living with mental illnesses lack the insight needed to know they’re ill. I highly suggest you connect with NAMI and seek help for yourself. Organizations like that are there to help families in situations like yours.
I suggest you stop looking at this situation as being his parent, get some education, and reach out for help for the sake of your family. It’s not tougher than I think, because I know. I work in mental health and have dealt with depression myself, it’s hard to reach out for help but don’t ever forget that someone living with mental illness is SICK. It’s no different than someone with cancer.
We have an organization here in Toronto that launched a campaign a few years back called ‘Check Up from the Neck Up’ and it directly addressed the fact that people don’t consider mental illnesses to be real illnesses. They are, and the health of someones brain is of the utmost importance. When their mind is ill it can create a number of different problems ranging from physical illnesses to substance abuse, and even poverty, job loss, or homelessness.