(Closed) im thinking DIVORCE!!!

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Remember, your vows said for better or for worse. He isn’t hitting you, hurting you or cheating on you. This is a “worse” moment, but this is forever. Forever includes the crappy times and the good ones. You can’t just give up because things get tough. Fight for it, talk to him and find a solution.

 

As for his depression, treat it like any other sickness. If it is real depression, get it treated. There is nothing wrong with asking for help and being depressed is like having a broken leg. If something is wrong with your leg, you treat it and no one should EVER judge you for that.

Post # 78
Member
47 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Dixon Brewer Park

This makes me sad, I love my Fiance and I wouldn’t ever want to imagine not waking up next to him. and there’s nothing i wouldn’ t do for him. And when we take our vows, i intend to keep every one of those promises.

but It is a choice i’m making. I choose to take on this responsibility. I choose to be his wife and love and care for him and his needs. that’s my job as a wife.

you chose to marry him, you made that commitment.. to him, to you, and to your child. you’re not only a married couple, you’re a family! I don’t know how you feel, but to me, my family is everything to me.

be there for him, don’t be there for him. but when making choices you always have to look at how theyll affect the long-term.

I wouldn’t wanna look back and regret not being there for the ones I love.

Sorry that your “honeymoon phase” isn’t so “honeymoon like”

Post # 79
Hostess
2007 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@rozzy:  he needs support… i am pretty sure your marraige is worth a fight///2 months is nothing….give him years… you did make a vow

Post # 80
Member
1756 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@KC-2722:  Very well said.  

 

I second looking into NAMI!  

 

Post # 81
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee

I’m going to go a little against others here…..

My SO has severe depression and has since the day I’ve known him. For an optimist, joyful, full of life and energy person like me it can be difficult. Some days are better than others, some years are better than others.

I have not read your other posts, so I don’t know the full background on you or your relationship (not that I would have the full story anyway….whole internet thing).

I’m going to say that this is probably just a bad day/week/year, and from your original post I think you’re looking for help and not really divorce.

So, here it goes….

Don’t make a permanent decision based on a temporary problem. Seek help. There are many free clinics that can help you. Ask those close to you, and those that you can trust to be extra supportive during this time. And, the one thing I have found to be helpful with my SO, ask him to do things with you that he finds enjoyable, fun, interesting. It can help to get him out of this funk, and begin taking the necessary steps toward treatment.

Good Luck, and hugs.

Post # 82
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@rozzy:  My Fiance suffers from depression/anxiety, and it is not always easy. He will have times when he is great, and wake up one day with no motivation to shower, move, go to work, or see family. But you know what? He can’t help it. Same goes for your DH, and you jumping to divorce after a mere TWO MONTHS is only going to make it worse.

In your vows you said “in sickness and in health”. Well, your DH is sick. As his wife, you owe it to him to do everything you can to help him get better. I’m talking therapy (CBT works wonders), diet, excercise, supplements, accupuncture, medication. When my Fiance had his first episode, you bet your butt I was doing everything possible. I even called and made all of his appointments, because he didn’t have the motivation to. After he came out of it (for now – he can always slip back) he thanked me profusely for not giving up on him.

There are SO MANY ways to treat depression – but I’m sorry, dear, divorce is not one of them.

Post # 83
Member
1958 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

@rozzy:  Depression is so hard.  It’s hard on the person going through it and it’s hard on those they are close to.  As someone who has been on both sides of the spectrum, I can not only feel your pain, but feel your husband’s pain as well.  It takes a strong person to deal with both.

Your DH needs help and support.  Talk to his family, find a counselor for him, and then take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself if you really love him.  If you do, you’ll get over yourself and help him.  What would you want him to do for you?  Abandon you?  Leave you because you were going through a hard time?  I doubt it. 

Post # 84
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

And FWIW, with insurance his therapy only cost $20/session. Don’t think you don’t have other options. You do.

Post # 85
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2014

OP’s responses to people offering advice (rather than just sympathizing with her) are just proof that she didn’t post here for looking for help. She posted here hoping to feel validated and receive sympathy. I have a feeling that SHE KNOWS what she’s saying and doing is completely f’d up, and wants other people to make her feel better about the way she’s feeling. People have explained the options in regards to getting him help/medication, and she basically ignores them. Seriously? Chick, get YOURSELF some help, because you clearly don’t have the maturity to handle taking care of someone who you supposedly love and who obviously needs your help.

 

Post # 86
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

In defense of the OP, she did say that she came on here to *vent*, at the advice of her counselor, so she may be exagerating.

I’ve been through clinical depression, and though it can last a long time (sometimes) it doesn’t last forever.  My ex-FI actually went through this with me years ago, and it wasn’t until many years after we broke up that I was actually able to process how hard it was on him.   I would have bad days and better (internally miserable) days — which can be misleading on the outside, so I can understand how it would be frustrating for you. 

After we broke up, he said that he could have left me when I was struggling, but he didn’t. At the time I was like WTF, we were engaged, but people always do have the option to cut & run, and I give him credit for that.  (Other than that, though, the relationship was a trainwreck.)  I hope that I never have to put my current, awesome Fiance through that, but he knows it’s a possibility.  I am not my depression, though it can be really hard to seperate the two.

Depression can also make people push others away, sometimes in a not-so-nice manner.  I’d suggest finding a support group for yourself, even if it’s just online.  Your life is not doomed and your relationship isn’t doomed.  Sometimes you just have to hold on to your seat and take it one day at a time.  You did get married, and it’s worth it to stick around at least to give it a shot so that you can know for yourself that you weren’t just being reactive. 

Post # 88
Member
7529 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@BoxerLady:  +1.  Well said!

Post # 89
Member
2041 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Vent all you want, but you also need to understand that putting something out where people can read and comment will means people will read and comment.

Leave him. He needs someone in his life that cares enough about him to educate herself about what depression is and how it can manifest itself in different people. I suffer from major depression, and it can be extremely debilitating at times. One of the reasons I left my ExH is because he couldn’t handle it and basically shut me out when I needed him most. I begged him to go for counseling himself, to seek out resources for spouses of people with depression, anything. I even bought the books for him myself, all he had to do was f***ing read the things. Nope. He decided it was just my problem and left it all to me. It made things totally worse for me and brought me even further down into the excruciatingly painful spiral that is depression.

Today, I’m with a man who may not fully understand, but he does everything possible to try. He’s there for me when I’m symptomatic, and he doesn’t blame me for my illness.

Post # 90
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

You took vows that said “for better or worse.”  Although, I am a newlywed, I think one of the things we need to understand about marriage is that it won’t always be cupcakes and champagne. There will be some serious rough times. Just think about your life, I’m sure things haven’t always been easy — the same applies to marriage. 

Support your husband and get through this together! it won’t be the first time and it won’t be the last. The next time, you may be depressed. And, you want the one person that is ALWAYS supposed to be there, to be there.

You guys will get through this! Til death….remember?

Post # 91
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow. I was exactly like your husband. Moved to be with my husband, lost my job, had to get used to a new place, no friends and living with him. I become SEVERLY depressed. In fact, I’m so convinced if it would have gone on much longer, I would have ended my own life. It was a SCARY time. I hate even thinking about it. We even separated, I contacted a divorce lawyer to see what my options were. It was a mess. If my husband had been like you, we’d be divorced. Thank GOD we both realized WE were worth fighting for. Marriage is HARD. It takes a lot of work, and you might end up not getting your needs met all the time. That’s part of the joys of marriage. Having a partner that can be there to carry you, when you can’t carry yourself. If I had ever heard my husband talk the way you vented in here, God only knows how that would have affected me. I hope you find the strength to take your marriage vows seriously, and trudge through this time of “worse” and be the partner your husband and family needs right now.

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