(Closed) I’m thisclose to walking away from this relationship :(

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
591 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.

 Wow, what a rough situation. It sounds to me like you SO has a lot of growing up to do. I would be hesitant to marry someone who was so openly rude and disrespectful. I agree with you whole heartedly that there are lots of compromises in relationships and that they should not all come from one side.

That being said I don’t think the “Love” we imagine falling into as children is anything like the hard work and sacrifice of an adult relationship. Maybe taking some time to cool down, and having a serious talk about what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship, and what you both want for the future is a good idea.

Best of luck to you!

Post # 4
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry to hear you are in such a situation. I don’t think you are wrong to consider ending this relationship. For him to joke about being an alcoholic (or mean it and not do anything to improve) is unacceptable IMO. I recently watched a close friend go through a divorce shortly after getting married because her husband could not control his drinking which led to physical abuse. A pattern she did not see when they were dating as they were living in a different envorinment where he did not have access to as much alcohol. I am not saying this will happen to you, it just seems like you are now seeing signs of behavior you don’t like and if your SO is not willing to behave differently and specifically does what you ask him not to as a result of you asking him not to do it, it seems you will have larger problems in the future. You considering leaving means you are not blind to this and I think it is a problem that needs addressing now before your relationship progresses. I wish you the best in dealing with this situation and deciding if your SO is someone you can spend the rest of your life with.

Post # 7
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Honestly I can’t advise you on what to do. I am not in your relationship and I am not you. I can only tell you what I would do and that is walk away. I have been with guys who care more about other things then me and it never gets better only worse. If he treats you this way now what will he treat you like five to ten years down the road? Really try to picture that. Is the kind of relationship you are envisioning what you want for you and your kids? Is he the amazing man that you want your dear little future son to emulate? No one is perfect but we should all be trying to improve on ourselves. Is he? 

I have settled for less then stellar men in the past. I thought all men were the same and this one is as good as the next one. I thought love would be enough to change them or that I loved them to much to live without them. Then I came to the place where I realized that I love myself to much to put up with garbage anymore. I love my kids to much to take them into a bad situation. I was resigned to living my life alone. That is when I met my Froggy. I am now in a relationship with an amazing man who treats me like a princess. We are involved in intensive premarital counseling to make our relationship that much better. Can I tell you it is so good it is like a fairytale! Yes he has his warts and I have mine but we are really focusing on improving ourselves, becoming more Christlike, becoming a spouse that we would want to be married to. We are dealing with past issues that cause us to act out of pain and headed toward complete healing. We grow closer to each other every day and he really is my better half and I am his.

My advice to you is take some time to really think things thru. Have no contact with him until you sort things out. Make sure you know the harbor to which you are headed and it is a place you want to be. ((Hugs)) I just want to see you happy.

Post # 10
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

First off, I’m really sorry you are dealing with this, especially while sick.

If he keeps blaming these things on alcoholism then I think the only option is for him to get to an AA meeting.

Can you talk to him about this when you are both calm?

I think it is time to make it very clear that you do not deserve this kind of treatment and if he is going to blame these outbursts on the alcohol then he needs to get the alcohol under control or you will be gone.

He needs to do something to SHOW you he cares enough about you to stop hurting you. Right now I feel like the only real options are AA or counseling of some other sort.

Post # 11
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think you need to work on a couple of things. First and foremost, he can’t talk to you like that. Yes, he can get mad and yell every once in a while if he needs to (assuming he has a right to be mad), but he has to be more respectful and play fair – keeping it to the real issue at hand.

The second thing I suggest you work on is asking yourself why you have such a big problem with him drinking, especially in a social setting like he was in yesterday. If he’s not really an alcoholic and he just drinks occasionally like when he’s watching football with friends, why is that so bad? Maybe you should have ‘compromised’ on that yesterday when his plans changed instead of trying to control his actions. I really feel like even though he was wrong for the way he spoke to you, you unnecessarily made drinking a big issue and kind of started a fight. It is somewhat understandable that he got defensive and annoyed about that.

Also, it’s okay that you talk to people to clear your head, but be careful about airing your dirty laundry – especially to family. No matter how annoyed you are at the time, you will eventually work it out and that family member or close friends might not move on with you or get over it so easily.

Of course, I say all this as a total outsider and I don’t know if it’s necessarily right or wrong. I wish you luck and hope you can work everything out!

Post # 12
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@randomname: I know you are scared and I know how terrifying it is to walk away from the man you invested so much in. I have been there so I do understand. But you know what you need to do. You also deep down know that you will have to do this eventually. Am I right? Do you want to do this now or five years from now with two kids? Staying will just be prolonging the inevitable and make it that much more painful and messy.

I am so glad you have a good support system. You can add me to the list as someone in your corner. I am here for you night or day if you need to talk. It is sometimes easier to talk to a stranger. Just PM me and I will give you my phone number. You aren’t alone. ((Hugs))

Post # 13
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I think for me the respect issue is what would bother me the most.   From your post it seems like you asked him not to drink to much, you were not feeling well and not able to take care of him,  and he kinda said “screw you, I do what I want”.  The lack of consideration makes me sad for you. Then to say “fuck you”?    Yes, he was drunk but that should NEVER be an excuse for bad behavior, do not allow it to be a crutch for him to get awaywith things.

Take some time to be away from him for a while. Think about what YOU want.  If his drinking problem gets worse, would you be able to deal with that and would you be able to bring children into the picture?

I personally would say “you can drink all you want but I will not be around you when you drink or when you are drunk. I love the sober you but I do not like the person you are when you drink, and i will not tolerate being treated like that. You are a grown man and can make your own desisions. I will not tell you what to do. I am olny telling you what I am going to do, and if you do not like it then you need to reevaluate what is important to you”.

Good luck dear. Do what is best for you.

Post # 15
1290 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow, are you dating my ex-husband? Seriously from past experience I can tell you that it WILL NOT get better unless HE wants to change/get help. 10 years down the road and my ex is still drinking, still brawling with his gfs on a regular basis. I stayed a long time but one person can’t make a relationship work.


Post # 16
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m so sorry you’re going through this!  Only you know the right thing to do, but I will say that I was in a relationship with an alcoholic, and it was the worst experience of my life.  I have to assume he really is a good guy if you family wants you to work it out, but if he’s a mean drunk that is a seriuos red flag.  In my experience, people very rarely just taper off when it comes to drinking – the problem usually gets worse before it gets better.

If you want to get another perspective, I would suggest going to an Al-Anon meeting.  It’s a support group for loved ones of alcoholics.  You can probably find one in your area, and the people there will probably be happy to talk to you to help you figure out just how big of a prroblem he might have, and how it might effect you in the future.  It will also help you learn the best way to communicate with him about it, and give you support generally.

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