- 4 years ago
First I’d like to say sorry if my english is bad, it’s not my first language.
Well, I’m 27 years old and I have been struggling with anxiety, depression, panic attacks and just a general feeling of sadness since I was about 10 or 11. I have been so ill that I have been hospitalized at a mental institution (sorry, don’t know the politically correct word) a couple of times because I wanted so badly to die. Now that was 3 years ago and I’m not that depressed anymore, however I feel it creeping up on me again and it’s terrifying and at the same time I’m just so sick of it all. I have gone to every single type of therapy there is and tried every anti depressant on the market. About 6 months ago I completed a year of dbt (I think dialectic behavior therapy) and I hear people say “if dbt doesn’t help, nothing will” and that scares me. Am I just meant to always feel this paralyzing sadness?
The thing is I have a great life. My family is so loving and supportive and my fiancé is the love of my life, I didn’t think I could love someone the way I love him. Without him, I probably wouldn’t see the point of living.
In general, my problem seems to be this horrible sadness that never leaves. I can laugh and tell jokes, but I’m constantly tense and sad and terrified. But if I try to look at each problem one at a time, I have several. The biggest one is my hypochondria. I’m so scared of having or developing some horrible disease that I’m almost mourning myself because I’m sure I’ll be dead soon, which is so dumb because I’m alive and well but I’m losing all this time on earth by imagining a bunch of things. I’m convinced I have ALS or alzheimers or huntingtons or cancer or heart failure. Actually the ALS was the reason they put me in the mental institution, I was so convinced that I had it and was going to die that I just wanted to hang myself to get it ocer with.
I try to use my mindfulness routines to calm down but it barely helps.
I might also add that last spring, Fiance got extremely sick, he had pneumonia that turned into sepsis that turned into multi organ failure and the doctors told me he would die. For weeks everyone just prepared me for the worst and by the time he miracolously got better I was messed up in the head, and still to this day I worry all the time that he’s going to die. He has some issues with his heart after all that, and I’m so scared he will die in his sleep. I’m just terrified all the time, to a point where I think “something bad will happen eventually, so why not end my suffering now”.
I won’t commit suicide, I promise, but the thoughts are there.
I just want to live and be happy so badly it hurts.
I don’t know what I expect from this, I just needed to let it out.
if anyone responds to this, please don’t tell me to “suck it up” or something, please be kind.