(Closed) im tired of feeling second….

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t think you’re being completely unreasonable; he seems immature in a lot of your examples. Forgive me if this is presumptuous, but I get the impression that you are both young; if so and his immaturity is just a byproduct of continuing to grow up, there may not be a lot you can do differently (it’s a two way street, after all).

If I were you, I would make an effort to keep the drama to a minimum. This is in the past, but I probably wouldn’t have called him back right away to apologize. You have a right to be irritated! My Darling Husband and I have a pretty mellow relationship, but one of us disappearing while the other is napping would never happen – to us it’s a matter of consideration for the other person. But showing your irritation for an instant and then apologizing for it keeps him from accepting that he did something irritating in the first place. 

 I am not saying this will make life easier in the short term, but if you calmly and clearly discuss why you think something isn’t really appropriate to do to someone you care about, he should want to address that. And if he doesn’t…well, you have to decide if you’re okay with being in that kind of relationship.

Hopefully, this is just a passing thing. Also something to consider – you may be a completely reasonable wedding planner, but there are a lot of guys who get sort of terrified when the “woman they love” is replaced by their “fiancee” – a stressed out, seemingly mis-prioritizing mess of a girl. My “fiancee” alterego was not mean by any stretch, but the stress definitely made me react differently than when I was DH’s “woman he loves”.

Good luck!

Post # 4
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Only you know your situation better than any of us. I dont want to be a Debbie Downer or an alarmist by any means, but you just described the relationship I had with my ex. While he loved and cared for me, I was always put second….or third. I felt that he really didn’t care about my needs. I remember telling him that it would really mean a lot to me if he wrote me a love letter. I told him it didnt have to be a Shakesperan sonnet or anything, just a quick love letter for my birthday because I was feeling unloved and could use a physical reminder to refer to. He never wrote one and instead offered to pay to tint my windows. -_- Needless to say I realized he would never change and I would never be #1 on his list because he would always be #1. So I would take a really hard look that if he doesn’t change to putting you #1 instead of #2 would you be okay with being #2 for the rest of your life?

With that said, have you ever heard or read the book, “The 5 Love Languages”? It is an amazing book and a very short read. It talks about how people show their love in different ways and there are pretty much 5 different ways people love. Anyway I strongly suggest you read the book and if he is willing to, then for him to read it to. It is amazing when you find out his love language because then you might realize he IS putting you #1 in his own way. I know it sounds confusing BUT I swear it is a relationship changer. My Fiance and I read it and discussed our love languages after we figured out which love language we are and its been amazing. I hope things work out and good luck!

Sorry this was so long!

Post # 5
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@ashley050406:  I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. The first advice will be to tell you to talk to him about how you feel but he doesn’t allow you to how can you? If he’s unavailable leave him a note telling him you need ot talk to him ASAP. You’re getting married and it’s not like he needs to be all over you all the time, but he definetly needs to take in account your feelings. Find a way to talk to him.

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