(Closed) I’m trying not to let this bother me… sorry, very long

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Honestly, if they’re just going to keep quiet and not disrupt the wedding, I would say just suck it up and invite them all. They’re family (even if they’re A-holes) and it’s just the more mature thing to do. Be better than them. Give them every reason NOT to hate you and they’ll just look like idiots. If you believe, however, that they’ll cause a huge scene, then maybe it’s best not to invite them, but explain it in full to his aunts. If they decide not to go, it’s no fault of your own. I do think it’s ridiculous that they don’t want to go because going would “cause problems” with your FI’s family and yet they don’t seem to be realizing the issues they’re causing you, though. I’d explain your feelings on the situation in full, if you haven’t already. 

And honey, don’t worry about the money or what people think of you because of it. There are so many couples that are supported solely by one person. Like me, I’m too ill to work. I get disability, but that’s it. Danny almost fully supports me. Money doesn’t = success, and anyone who thinks it does is ignorant. Don’t get down on yourself because other people hold foolish ideals. 

Good luck, I hope things work out. <3

 

Post # 4
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You don’t want negative energy at your wedding.  It’s about celebrating you and your love starting your life together and if they can’t get that they don’t have to be there.  I don’t want to sound like a bridezilla but it isn’t about them at all.  Better to not invite someone than have to feel awkward or worried the whole day if someone is going to make a scene.

 

My whole mom’s side of the family (excluding my mom) has treated my family horribly ever since I was a young child, and has treated my mom horribly ever since SHE was a young child.  So needless to say they won’t be coming.  My dad says I have to invite them to be polite but I’m not, and I can’t get into all the details but no one would fault me for it if they knew.  They ruined my mom’s life and made it to where she can’t ever feel normal so they don’t deserve to be a part of our day. 

 

Talk it over with your fiance and see if they deserve to be a part of yours.

Post # 5
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I feel so bad for you. My Mom is biracial she was born in 1960 so obviously she has deplorable family members who use much of the same language. I have no qualms about not inviting them and if anyone want to take their side and not come in a show of solidarity I will gladly tell them not to let the door hit their ass on their way out. As far as I’m concerned I will tolerate them at holidays because they are only the few of my mothers relatives that she has left, however they are not welcomed at my home or at my events.

On another note it none of their business how your Fi and you handle your finances, and I hope he makes that clear to them.

You don’t need that negativity at your wedding. I hope your Fi’s aunts will come to their senses before the wedding day.

Post # 6
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly considering how he treated your FH growing up, and all they money issues, this is not a person who deserves much consideration. You don’t need his approval. He sounds like a real jerk. You should almost be proud that he doesn’t approve of your relationship, because he has been wrong so often in the past and seems hell bent on being a terrible person to everyone.

I don’t think you can invite him without the stepmom, and its unfortunate that the aunts won’t come unless the dad is there. 

Post # 7
Member
826 posts
Busy bee

I wouldn’t invite either of them.  “Family” means nothing if the family members are assholes.  

Post # 8
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Seriously, why care about the ramblings of toxic people like the ones you just described? It’s a sad fact that some of the nastiest people we may encounter in life may very well be related to us. Ignore them, concentrate on your wedding and bright future. A well-lived life is the best revenge – let them to wallow in their miserable excuse of an existence.

Post # 9
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@imageeksowhat:  “They’re family (even if they’re A-holes) and it’s just the more mature thing to do.”

Wrong.  Being related to someone doesn’t give them a get out of jail card that allows them to act in a distasteful and horrible manner and you just have to suck it up.  These people are terrible, toxic individuals.  Even if they are well behaved for that day, OP should not overlook their disgusting behavior because they happen to be related to her fiance, no matter what.

 

@Otaqueen:  As for the aunts and whatnot who won’t come unless dad is invited–screw them.  Do not respond to emotional blackmail.  I am not inviting one of my sisters and her children.  My mother, along with a few other people have indicated that if I do not invite her, then they will not be attending.  My reply is that I would be very sad if they chose not to attend but that is their decision.  I will still send them invitations and will call their bluff.  Chances are, they will come.  And if not, I will be sad that they were not there but happy to be surrounded by the people who love me and care for me.  Those aunts should know how his father treated him and should support him.  If they don’t then perhaps they are not the sort of people you thought that they were.

Post # 10
Member
789 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Otaqueen:  I know this is probably not the answer you want but I’d seriously recommend eloping, then when you return, hold a party and invite only the people who will actually celebrate with you. That will cause even more comments and insults but you’re going to have to grow thick skin to be related to those kinds of people. This is not way for you two to start a life – full of anger and toxic people. They may be family  but if they don’t act in loving ways they deserve minimal room in your lives. Your personal finances are your business only and I sure as hell wouldn’t ever speak to a woman who refers to me or anyone else in racial slurs regardless of her standing in the family. I’m old enough to be your mother so I have some life experience behind me. Don’t let these people know anything about your life, don’t let them hold you as an emotional hostages and preferably move as far away from them as soon as possible. Part of growing up and starting a life with a spouse means having to not to seek approval from others but only honor what you and your husband decide. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

The people your fiance doesn’t want there should not be invited.  If other people choose not to show up because of that, it’s their loss.  I understand they don’t want to get in the middle, but right now they are effectively bowing to people who sound like racist bullies.  That’s their choice, but you aren’t responsible for the repercussions.

Post # 12
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@zomgwut:  <- What she said.

If the aunts won’t come so that they “don’t cause trouble” then that is sad but invite them anyway, and if they choose not to show up you can always do something later with them if you want to.

Don’t let people emotionally blackmail you.  You’re not letting FI’s stepmom do it because she’s being obvious about it.  Don’t let the aunts do it either. 

Post # 13
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@zomgwut:  Maybe I just feel that way because that’s what I’ve done for so many years with many of my family members. It’s never turned out wrong, everyone’s just played nice, and I’ve never regretted it. I suppose I’m just a very forgiving person. I try to be the bigger and better person in the situation and if they still for whatever reason hate me in the end then oh well and at least I tried. I personally feel better doing that, but if that’s not what makes you or OP feel better, then by all means don’t do it! (I’m not being sarcastic at all, that’s an honest statement.) 

Really, OP, it is your wedding, so invite who you want to invite. Do what makes YOU happy. And yeah, if the aunts don’t attend, that’s their decision and it’s no fault of your own, so don’t feel bad about it. 

Post # 14
Member
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

I think that you are overthinking this. Invite Dad and Stepmum. Make it clear that all the rest of the family, including those she dislikes, will also be invited. Stepmum will not come, you said, so that’s one problem solved. Surely Dad will then get a load of abuse from her and will also not want to come automatically? Win-win, invited but don’t come, Aunties happy, hooray!

Er… unless you think he might actually say yes without Stepmum. In that case, I like your original plan of just inviting him but not her. Make some flimsy excuse why she can’t come. Of course, if you invite him then you have to be prepared that he might say yes… so the main issue then is whether you think he will behave himself (if this seems unlikely then I second the others… no invite!). If you think he will at least keep his mouth shut and congratulate you through gritted teeth, and Auntie is a lovely lady, close, and understanding of your dilemma maybe you could ask her to “babysit” him for the night? That’s what I’m doing with one of my *ahem* less desirable family members!

Toughie, this one… but unlike most of the others then I think Auntie is important enough to make some serious sacrifices for (depending on how close you are)… the question you have to ask is whether Auntie is more important than your (understandable) dislike for Dad…

Post # 15
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Ignore their rude comments.  The Father-In-Law has no right to judge you or him.  I would have a talk with the family you are closest with and tell them how you feel.  I hope all works out for you!

Post # 16
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Your FI’s dad sounds just like my dad, minus the racist new wife. My advice for you is to just IGNORE THEM! They’re horrible, horrible people and who would want them attending such a beautiful and loving event? Stop feeling bad about them not liking you – it’s their fault not yours. You have absolutely NOTHING to prove to people like that!

As for the aunts and uncles not wanting to come unless the dad and racist biatch is invited, your Fiance needs to seriously reconsider his ties with them. Most likely they’re benefiting in some way from his dad (either by association or financially) and they can’t grow a pair to stick up for what they believe (in you and him). Screw them … well it doesn’t have to be that harsh, but just take things at face value and realize that they made thier choice.

Why compromise your ideals and have to play this game of pretending to invite his folks when you really want them to not come just so they’d come? And what if they don’t come anyway? You’d feel even worse.

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