(Closed) I'm trying to plan my wedding while living with a controlling mother. HELP!

posted 5 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
218 posts
Helper bee

I think your priority should be to move out of the house asap. Do you and your fiance have somewhere lined up to live after the wedding?

I have a controlling mother, God love her. She’s nuts. Compromise is your friend. You say you live in Texas. Texan women hold onto traditions, which isn’t a bad thing, but you haven to see it from her perspective. She’s right, not everyone likes macaroons. You have to ask yourself…”Is cake really a dealbreaker?” “Will my wedding be ruined if we use a DJ instead of an iPod?” Let her have some of the traditional things and use those compromises for leverage when adding your modern elements.

But yeah, move out as soon as humanly possible. What she doesn’t know about your life, she can’t control.

Post # 3
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

Don’t take her money, and don’t talk to her about the wedding. You can’t control her behavior, but you can control your interactions with her. The less fodder she has, the less she can run with. That’s really the most straightforward way with that type of person IMO.

Post # 4
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

Is it possbile for you to move out?  Like as soon as possible?

Post # 5
Member
727 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018 - Farm

Like the other have stated are you able to move out right now and are you able to plan the wedding without using her money? The less involvment she has with your wedding the better but I don’t see this happening with her money being  used to help pay for your wedding. If you don’t want an even planner consider a day of coordinator to make sure everything that you have planned goes the way you want it too.  I woul defintely consider moving out to help you find your voice. You definetly need to speak up when it comes to what you want and put your foot down. You just have to find a way to do that with her.

Post # 6
Member
2979 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think you need to start deflecting, however because she’s paying she DOES get some say in the event. If you don’t want her to have any say, give her back her money and plan a wedding you can afford on your own.

Examples –

“Oh you can’t have just macroons, not everyone likes them!”

“Hmm I see your point. Let me talk to Fiance. Speaking of which, he got that contract we were talking about!”

 

“What? No DJ? Are you insane?”

“Haha probably a bit. We will consider it. Oh what do you think of these flowers? “

Post # 7
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

If it bothers you that much don’t take her money and pay for your own day. Simple. 

Post # 8
Member
478 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
lynnctobe :  I know this may not be what you want to hear, but she does have a say where HER money goes. If she refuses to spend her money on macroons and will only spend it on a cake, well, its her money and you can’t force her to give you a gift. 

If you really want to rid yourself of the drama, you need to have the wedding you can afford without her help, and move out of her house. You say she is controlling you, but you are allowing yourself to be controlled by being financially dependent on her. I agree with your Fiance, it will be different when you are living/ paying for yourself. I think you will see over and over again on the Bee, when parents are providing $$ for the wedding, this almost always comes with certain strings/expectations. 

Post # 9
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Lake Louise Canada

Its pretty rare parents write a blank check for weddings and look the other way. They typically expect to have as much say as they’ve paid for. 50% is a lot of say! I would be respectfully declining her money and getting a wedding you really want.

Post # 11
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

Sadly, you need to move out. But even more so than that is the fact that, yes, your mother has a good bit of say in how your wedding is planned. The moment that money is offered is the monent that there’s strings attached. Especially if she’s covering 50% of the money. So either meet with her in the middle on everything, or refrain from accepting the money.

Post # 12
Member
7974 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i don’t like macaroons, so i’d be glad there is cake.

no pay, so say.  she is paying for 50%, she gets 50% say.

Post # 13
Member
1552 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

View original reply
lynnctobe :  The only way is to move out and hold off on getting married until you can afford it on your own.

Where are you going to live after the wedding?

Who is paying for your therapy?

Post # 14
Member
2009 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

is america different to the rest of the world… ive heard a few bees say ‘catholic’ vs ‘christian’ as if they are different but all catholics ARE christians just not all christians are catholic right?

thats how it is here… like you have Christians = Catholics (multiple types), Protastants, Methodists, Reform, Equmenicals, CofE, Anglican, Presbyterian, Evangelical, Pentacostal, Aventist, Quaker, Sabbeth, Latter day saints, Unitarian etc…

but they are all christians

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