(Closed) Immature and Crazy Roommate/BFF…how to handle this?

posted 6 years ago in College
Post # 3
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

This is why I only lasted 1 full year at a school away from home. My first roommate had an abusive boyfriend who punched her in the face one night. Then my second roommate was a girl I graduated with who stayed up very late having sex and partying.

Can you make a chore chart with regards to keeping things clean? I know that sounds very kindergarten, but maybe it will work.

I’m sorry to hear that she gives you no privacy either. I would also discuss this with her when you confront her about Twitter. I know she is your friend, but you need to stand up for yourself.

Post # 4
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I had a pretty similar roommate in college (my second year too, I think it’s just the time for it haha)

My best advice is just don’t engage. It sounds like you already spend a lot of time out of the room, that’s really good. I know just how frustrating it can be when it feels like you never have any alone time in the room, but if you split the cost evenly (I assume), you both get to decide how much time you want to spend in the room. You don’t have the right to ask her to leave.

Bringing up the twitter issue will only make things worse. There’s only one more semester, but you don’t want to make that time miserable. Ride out the rest of the time on your lease and then try to find someone else. 

Post # 5
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

If you contront her, stick to “me,” speech.  “I think there are some issues, and it’s important to me to clear the air, because I don’t want this to affect our relationship.” “When this happened, it made me feel disrespected.” “I’m uncomfortable because of this.”  “I felt attacked when this happened, which is why I reacted this way.”

This usually takes the accusation out of an argument, and forces her to be empathetic.  Even if she starts accusing you of something, don’t get derailed.  Realize that an argument only works if both of you are trying to move in the same direction, and have the same outcome.

You also need to be willing to appologize to her for any slights she’s preceived against her.

As for cleanliness, my friend set up something similar to a chore chart, but slightly different.  It would list the chores that would need to be done, and you would initial and date every time you did something.  That way everyone knew what had to be done, and it became really apparent if the burden was falling on any particular person.

Post # 7
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@tngirl92:  I’m not sure what the rules are at your school, but it doesn’t sound like this is really cause to request a room transfer. At least at my school, the conflict had to be really really bad (like fear for your safety/property sort of situation) in order to move at the semester. 

It must suck that she was your former best friend, but really, housing situations can sully what were great friendships. It happened to me, it happened to a lot of my friends in college. Avoid escalation and don’t engage her in her passive aggressive behavior. If this situation continues into next semester, you do need to be clear with her that you don’t want to live together again. 

Post # 8
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@tngirl92:  You could just say something along the lines of “Since we are both so busy, I think we should split up the chores. I can do x, y, z. Would you be willing to do a, b, c?” Not necessarily a chore chart but still gets things split up.

Have you thought about joining some different things, without her? Maybe make some new friends in class or something. If she sees you are out being a social butterfly maybe she will make new friends of her own or try a new club/activity.

Post # 9
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

WOW.

Okay, I’ve been in a very similar situation with my now ex-roommate and ex-best friend, but we shared a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment. You share a STUDIO with her. Good lord.

I’ll start this off by saying that we no longer have a relationship. Before our lease was even up, she deleted and blocked me on Facebook and has a private Twitter account. I came into our apartment with nothing (left an abusive situation) but my clothes, a tv, and a bed that I had to buy, so all of the dishes, etc. were hers, which was fine. I cleaned up after myself and really only used my bedroom (since I had a desktop computer), though I usually kept the door open unless Fiance was over. I was in school full time and working ~30 hours a week, and she only worked. I went to bed early and got up early, and she went to bed very late and got up very late. She left everything a mess and then tried to blame me for it. We started off going grocery shopping together and splitting the bill, but that stopped pretty quickly when I’d only pick up necessities and she’d grab lots of expensive stuff and then want to split the bill 50/50. After that, she’d eat my food and not replace it. I started marking a few things that were NOT to be shared, and she got passive aggressive and would mark EVERYTHING in the fridge that was “hers.” I made a pie once, and she ate the whole. fucking. thing. In two days. 

I think she started to resent the fact that I had so much going on. She dropped out of school for whatever reason and had bad luck with relationships. She dated several guys, but they all dumped her. I had good grades and a steady boyfriend, and hobbies. She spent all of her money and bounced several checks and got into debt. At 26, she was living away from home for the first time and she just couldn’t handle it. She stopped talking to me (other than passive aggressive notes) about three months into our lease, when I called her out on fucking up our electric bill (and bouncing her half of the rent, which I almost had to pay).

She started staying out late (usually going to her parents’ house after work) and coming home long after I was asleep just to avoid me. Eventually, she basically moved back in to her parents’ months before our lease was up. Two weeks before the lease was up, all of her stuff except her bed and a pretty heavy dresser (and her dishes) was gone, and I came home from work to find that she’d apparently gotten ready at the apartment and USED MY MAKEUP. I know that probably doesn’t sound like a huge deal, but she used WAY MORE of my $$ foundation in one use than I’d used in MONTHS, destroyed my $$ foundation brush, and made a huge mess in my bathroom. This meant that she opened my CLOSED bedroom door, went into my room (and did who knows what) and went into my bathroom and pulled out my makeup. I was livid, but there was nothing I could do. I saw her when she and her mom came over to clean the place on the day we turned in the keys, and she didn’t say much except to ask if they could use the vacuum. They also left me a GIANT, heavy bag of newspapers that she’d hoarded for my tiny ass to haul down three flights and across the parking lot to the dumpster because they “couldn’t” (yeah, both of them, and supposedly she was training to be a bodybuilder?), but expected ME to. 

I’m glad to be rid of her, honestly. She was a bad friend and very immature.

Post # 11
Member
11233 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@tngirl92:  Can you pay your bills if she moves out? I’d probably sit down with her and tell her that she’s gotta go.

Post # 12
Member
1571 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I will tell you right now, if this was me, I wouldn’t be driving her ANYWHERE.

Post # 13
Member
3697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Just last night I was trying to explain to my boss that he couldn’t possibly understand why our admin hates my guts, because he’d have to be a woman to understand that women hate each other.  Why do we do that? 

Anyway – I had my share (3) of crazy roommates in college and survived to tell the tale.  Just live your own life and address the most pressing issues.  If she destroys your stuff, ask nicely that she replaces it or doesn’t use it.  As for trash-talking you – no one pays any mind to that, don’t engage her.  My second roommate told our whole dorm that I was a big fat b*tch and she only lived with me because I had a good room and good stuff and she couldn’t wait to get away from me.  No one believed her (except for the using me for my good stuff part), because they all knew me and got along just fine with me. 

Just go about your life, really. Your friendship might suffer, but next semester or next year you can live apart (alone – live alone!) and maybe you can laugh about how close quarters made you hate each other. 

Post # 14
Member
1636 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I know the privacy thing must be annoying as heck!  I never get the house to myself with a 16 year old at home and my husband.  As much as I love them…  It would LOVE to have the house to myself sometimes…  that being said,

Have you ever thought she may be depressed? or have something else going on that could be distorting her view of things? 

You said she was “shedding”  This could be caused by hormonal changes, stress, or other illness.

I would hate for your friendship to end, but I do agree with the PP who said to talk to her in a non confrontational way.  Maybe you can start by asking if something is wrong…  It may have nothing to do with you really, but she doesn’t know how to express what she is feeling. 

just a thought!

Post # 15
Member
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@tngirl92:  So I totally understand getting frustrated with roommates. I’ve personally come to the realization that I do better on my own than with other people (exept my Fiance, of course!) It sounds like a classic case of too little space, too many lady hormones. You two are on different paths, and her passive-aggressive ways are just starting to wear on you. I think there needs to be a serious conversation. Force her to sit down with you. Right now, it’s easier for her to avoid you than face the music and own up to problems between the two of you, as well as personal issues. 

Bottom line – if you like the girl enough to repair a friendship, try for it. Work on some of the key things that are bugging you, and try to be understanding. I’ve learned that some people just don’t have the same level of comittment to cleanliness or a regular schedule than me. 

My senior year in college, my roommate and i went through a similar situation. We had lived together for 3 years, and just had a blowout – over her crazy boyfriend, her lack of doing chores, and what I felt was kinda negelect of our friendship. I’ll admit, it did damage our relationship initially, but I’m happy to report that she’s still my best friend, and will be my Maid/Matron of Honor in my wedding. I seriously can’t imagine life without her 🙂

Post # 16
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Having roomies in closed quarters and busy schedules is just plain stressful. I think that how you are both feeling and even how you are both acting is totally normal given the circumstances. You’re both feeling resentful towards each other and just acting out in different ways. I also agree with PP that she may be depressed — all of her behaviors are consistent with depression. A lot of personal growth happens in college and people who enter as your BFFs may not always leave that way. Sometimes you outgrow relationships and that is OK too, but can be really hard for the person being “dumped”.

There are a few ways you could tackle it:

(1) Move out, either now or at the next time. Studio apartments are the worst. Sharing houses at least means that you can usually have a private area and the cost isn’t always that different. 

(2) Talk about your needs for privacy and space. It seems like this is a big deal to you and you aren’t going to feel better until you have some boundaries. Setting expectations you both can live will will help scale back some of the anger issues.

(3) Try not to stress too much. You sound like you’re super busy and that is probably magnifying the amount of stress you feel. I tend to be a perpetual overcommitter so I can relate to being busy 200% of the time — but it comes with an interpersonal price. Make sure you make room to be good to yourself and keep your social relationships healthy. Otherwise you’re going to burn out.

(4) Stop keeping score. It’s clear from your post above that you guys are both doing it. She’s been skipping class, you have no work ethic, etc. That kind of behavior just gives you more fuel for being angry with each other. Try and get past blame and finger-pointing and figure out what the actual issues are.

Again, I think you guys are both behaving really normally given your situation and its inherent stressors. If you can find ways to talk TO each other and not behind each other’s backs, identify the things that are really going on, and act on those, you probably can have at least a more functional living arrangement. 

If you want a really good read (for all of your nonexistent free time!) I HIGHLY recommend “Crucial Conversations”. You can get through it in one sitting but it is really incredibly useful for successfully handling interpersonal conflicts. 

 

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