(Closed) Impending Friend Drama

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have a "rough" family member, who I knew I had to make a Bridesmaid or Best Man no matter what. We get along but she’s really emotional and whine-y and self centered (not someone you want around, close to you, on the happiest day of your life). We made a pact to be in eachother’s weddings when we were like 10 and she still talked about it up until I got engaged. Sure enough, when I told her I was engaged she asked when we could go dress shopping…

 

Over a year later and 4 months to the wedding she has been negative but not show stopping. Sure she makes comments here and there like when I told her I wanted the BMs to wear red she said "I THOUGHT you were being nice and making it rewearable!" or telling my Maid/Matron of Honor all her bridal shower ideas were stupid. But I let it roll. You can make her a Bridesmaid or Best Man but at the first sign of nastiness tell her "shut up or get out" (in less colorful language of course). I did this and my nasty Bridesmaid or Best Man has been nothing but lovely. Or if you don’t want her in at all you can think "do I even want to be friends with her anymore?". That might be your way out. A tattoo fight might not be the best way… she’ll just figure you’re being a bridezilla!

 

Post # 4
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I have two sisters that I’m not close with, and neither of them are in the wedding party.  If they were, my younger sister would complain about everything and find some way to make the day about her, and my older sister would go along with whatever the younger one did.  The people in our wedding party are the people that have been there for us 110% over the years, and want nothing but the best for us.  If you have any doubts about including her at all, I’d say err on the side of caution and don’t include her…..if things get better as you get closer to the wedding, you could always ask her to do a reading…..

Post # 6
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Personally I’d just tell her there are girls closer to you and that’s why she’s not a Bridesmaid or Best Man.  Even if you don’t want the tattoos anyway, I think it’s kind of a weak excuse — I mean, if she were a FABULOUS friend or sister would you really exclude someone on that basis?  One of my sisters has a really huge shoulder tattoo (a pit bull, even!) and I would never dream of having anyone but her be my Maid/Matron of Honor because we’re so close.  Is it maybe a bummer that it’s a formal event in a really nice church? Yeah.  But is it a dealbreaker?  No.  But maybe it is for you, in which case I digress 🙂

I just think honesty is the best policy.  If you feel like she’s negative and not a great friend and she asks why she’s not a Bridesmaid or Best Man, just tell her that while you appreciate her friendship, she hasn’t been as supportive as others (in a nicer way…).  If it causes drama it causes drama.  It doesn’t sound like you want her around anyway.  Just handle it with grace and you’ll be fine!  I mean, your wedding is a long way away, if she finds out soon she’s not a Bridesmaid or Best Man maybe she’ll just have her temper tantrum, get over it after awhile, and then be a really thrilled guest.  

Post # 7
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I agree with much of what minneapolitan said.  I can relate to your feelings about this friend.  But I also think you owe it to her to be tactful.  Personally, I would also have a hard time dealing with a Bridesmaid or Best Man with a tatoo sleeve.  But I think you should probably be a little more delicate.  Can you tell her your wedding party is small?  If you’ve been trying to get rid of her for years, can you take this time to just say, "Hey we’re really going down different paths."  It’s not fair for her to have you feeling this way behind her back.  Are you complaining to others about her behaviors?  If you want to dump her, try to do it tactfully.  It sounds like you are using your wedding as a good launching point for the demise of your friendship.  I don’t think you want that.

Post # 9
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I have to admit, Kittyatchi, I have some experience in this, and I kick myself… I have frienda or two that annoy me, and sometimes would like to just dump them.  But what I find myself doing sometimes is taking what they do (be nonconfrontational about it), then after it really eats at me, I finally get fed up and start doing things like venting to my husband behind their back, etc. )  It’s just not a good practice to have.  Once I took all the frustration and hurt and kept it insode, then when my friend brought one thing to my attention, I ended up unleashing years worth of pooo on them.  I realize that is just not healthy way of maintain ing friendships.  I’m not sure if this is the type of stuff you do too.  But when you say "nonconfrontational", I see it as something that, seems agreeable at in the short term, but in the long term not so much.  And I think it will leave you feeling bad too.

As for not saying anything to her unless she brings it up -I don’t advise it.  For certain people I think it would be fine.  But for someone who has come out saying she thinks she will be your Maid/Matron of Honor, (and you aren’t even giving her BM) I think you need to be straight up ASAP.  The longer you wait the worse it gets.  Is this going to be pleasant?  I don’t see how it can be.  But you have to choose the lesser of two evils.  And I wouldn’t get too involved in, "Well you do this or say that, and therefore  I feel like other friends will be able to support me better.."  She is going to just turn around and say she’ll shape up and be better about her attitude.  I think you need to keep it short and sweet, but delicate.

Post # 11
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I wouldn’t bring up the tattoo–she’ll just go, "oh i’ll cover it up with makeup" or "oh i’ll do this or that" and then what are you going to say?! Maybe you need to stop this friendship if she’s just that bad of a person. If she’s going to snap back anyways you may as well say the truth, haha!

Who are you going with? FI’s sisters or other close friends? Just say like "well we aren’t as close now as we used to be, and i want a small wedding party, so i’m going with ____ and____" and if she throws a fit, just tell her it’ll be great if she can come, despite her own frustrations. If she doesnt come, great, right?! 

Post # 13
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

You bet you do.  Is your wedding party small?  Would it be somewhat accurate to say the other girls are more available to help with the wedding?(Ie. she’s Out of Town, or really busy with her career?)  If you don’t have soemting rather benign like that to say, I think simple honesty is good.  Ejs4y8 had a nice suggestion.

And yeah, if her friendship is causing that much grief, maybe it’s for the best if she stroms off into the sunset.

Post # 14
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I am having the same issue!! I have a friend who has been my “BFF” for over 20 years.. But as of lately were not as close. SHe is really self centered lately. She is going through hard times and hasnt even told me. Were just kinda playing phone tag for thepast year. Recently i told her we finally set a date and the first thing out of her mouth is ” well i am your Maid/Matron of Honor right?” I dont want to be bullied into having her in my wedding. SHe is a debby downer pain in my butt.

So to you I have no advice. I hope it all works out for you. I wanna say dont be bullied but i totally understand if you are.. Our problem is were too nice!!!!!!

Post # 15
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I definitely would not openly admit that you don’t want her in the wedding party because of her tatoos.  It will make you look really flakey and bad and give her ammo on you.  Sounds like a really superficial friendship where both of you don’t really care about each other.  Just be honest with her.  Maybe that will do the trick in getting ridding of her:)

Post # 16
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

i have a girlfriend that has flat out told me i’m in her wedding party when she ‘finds the one’ — but she isn’t in mine. my reason? she is a hit and miss friend. she’s either a fantastic friend or MIA. you need to have your bridal party consist of people that you not only love, but also, those that will not bring you down. it sounds like this friend of yours will end up doing exactly that. 

i feel like honesty is always the best policy. i point blank told my friend that the reason she is not in the wedding party is because our friendship has been up and down and i can’t take the chance of it being on a ‘down’ at my wedding. 

if you’ve been wanting to cut this friend out of your life for awhile now, maybe this will be a good point to start being honest. talk to her about her negativity. don’t beat around the bush using her tattoo as an excuse. maybe hearing you tell her that her negativity is the reason will help her put things in perspective and will help her grow as a person. 

that’s just my opinion though. 🙂 GL!

The topic ‘Impending Friend Drama’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors