Impossible decision 11 days before my wedding

posted 2 years ago in Family
  • poll: What should I do?
    Tell him it is my final decision to have my mom walk me, and it is his loss if he doesn't come. : (140 votes)
    98 %
    Have both parents walk me : (2 votes)
    1 %
    Have my mom walk me the first half, and he can join us the second half : (0 votes)
    other? : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    2452 posts
    Buzzing bee

    It sounds to me like he doesn’t deserve the honor.  Your mom also might feel insulted or upset if he also walked you down the aisle. 

    I think it’s simple: putting drama aside, do you want him to walk you down the aisle? Does the idea fill you with joy? 

    Post # 3
    Member
    6792 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    It’s your day, he can get the fuck over it. If you don’t want to have him do it, he doesn’t do it. 

    “Sorry you feel that way. This is my decision and its final. If you change your mind we’ll keep a chair for you.”

    im assuming you gave your caterer final numbers already (sounds like we’re both getting married on 9/23!), but I’d leave him in *just in case*. I’d hope he wouldn’t miss his child’s wedding but who knows.

    i didn’t even invite my dad lol. So I know daddy drama bee. Hugs! We’re almost there!

    Post # 4
    Member
    706 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    honeyBee17 :  personally, I wouldn’t even want him there. But you’re right, your mom deserves that moment and he doesn’t even seem to have you in order to “give you away” 

    Post # 5
    Member
    6751 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    He is undeserving and your mother does not deserve to share this honor with him.

    If he does not attend it is his loss. And it might, in the end, be a much easier day for you, surrounded only by people who genuinely love and support you on such an important day. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    101 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    I have a similar situation, but it’s my Mother instead.  I’ve had to cut her out of my life completely.  I’m not suggesting this to you, but I got to the point that my life was being made so difficult by her and her love for conflict, that I needed to distance myself from it.  She’s not allowed to the wedding or near me. 

    Do what you need to do for yourself.

    Post # 8
    Member
    830 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    You have to follow your heart on this.

    It sounds like you have been emotionally abused by your dad, and in case you feel like you need it, I formally give you permission to stand up to him.

    Take it for whatever it’s worth from a total stranger on the internet, but I think you deserve to say “no” to your dad – about walking you down the aisle, and about letting his continued toxic presence into your life. You’re an adult, now, and he can only keep hurting you if you continue interacting with him. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    2517 posts
    Sugar bee

    I’m surprised you would include him at all given the information you provided. I certainly wouldn’t have invited him to walk me at all. At this point, I would simply tell him that you think it’s best for him not to come. He sounds like he’ll only detract from the events. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    47203 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Your Dad won’t stop manipulating you and manipulating history, until you stop letting him.

    Being a sperm donor is not a qualification to walk you down the aisle.

    Post # 11
    Member
    11616 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    He was “destined” to be an actual parent but he chose to ignore that. Now he wants the honor associated with the work? It doesn’t work like that.

    any drama he’s going to dish out is not as bad as you will feel pretending to be okay on your wedding day, knowing he is not a real father to you.

    frankly you should be proud of yourself for standing up to him and don’t let his guilt trip (unbelievable that he’s claiming this is what he’s living for, that’s rubbish) manipulate you.

    Post # 12
    Member
    691 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2018

    honeyBee17 :  The fact that he’s making you choose should be your answer. He obviously doesn’t want to be at your wedding for the right reasons, he only wants to be there if it benefits him. I say stand your ground and it will be better in the long run if he’s not there anyway.

    Post # 13
    Member
    1134 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

    It’s not about him. It’s about you. Do what makes your heart happy.

    I would turn this one on him: “This is my final decision. If you’d rather miss your own daughter’s wedding over it, that will just confirm that you are indeed an unsupporting father”.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2714 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

    He clearly wants to play Father of the Year in front of your family and friends.  He sounds like a narcissist as well as a sociopath – is this an accurate depiction of how he operates:

    A Narcissist’s Prayer

    That didn’t happen.

    And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.

    And if it was, that’s not a big deal.

    And if it is, that’s not my fault.

    And if it was, I didn’t mean it.

    And if I did…

    You deserved it.

    Stick to your guns and have your mom walk you down th aisle.

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