(Closed) In A Dark Place

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@MadameX:  I just want to say I understand. I was going nuts before my Fiance finally proposed. And even though he said it was coming, and I knew it, the fact that it hadn’t happened yet was making me emotional and, at times, irrational. And I hated it.

After we got engaged, we had to save up money to have the wedding we wanted. Which means we’re having a longer engagement than I would have liked (14 months, when I would have loved for it to be under a year). At times, I have found this frustrating too, even though, of course it’s nobody’s fault.

The only thing that’s helped is that I talk to my fiance about all these feelings (making sure he knows it’s a general rant, not directed at him at all). And I feel that’s helped.

Do you think you might be able to find a more reasonably priced ring so that you can get engaged sooner and then plan for a long engagement? Maybe this is something you two can talk about?

Hang in there! You’re not alone in your frustration.

 

ETA: My fiance is an artist and Sargent is his absolute favorite artist. So your avatar and name made me smile. 🙂

Post # 4
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so much pain right now and all you’ve been through with your mom and your dad.  I can completely understand why you’re feeling all the ways that you are, but take a step back with me for a minute…

I understand WHY you feel you want to get engaged – but getting engaged is not going to solve the issues with your dad.  We all want to go into the next phase of our lives as prepared as we can and as the best us we can be. Maybe use this waiting time to try and repair your relationship with your father, or at least sort out those issues within yourself.  

You guys could always elope now and have a bigger vow renewal when the time is right? I know this isn’t something everyone can do and that’s okay.  But, try and be patient and focus your energy towards something positive.  Your time will come!

Post # 5
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MadameX:  two things: 1) yes it sucks to feel like money is the only reason you’re not engaged- and it totally makes sense that you’d have some complicated feelings about money due to that!

2) It might be for the best that nothing is happening to dull your feelings of abandonment because looking those feelings in the face might just be the best thing you can do right now. IMO unless you deal with these feelings head on they’ll just keep popping up when you least expect it!

Post # 6
Member
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I think a proposal and a ring would be a temporary fix to some deeper issues you’ve got going on. I do that, too, I like to distract myself from my troubles by thinking about something happy.

I will say, though, that if you are already living together, why can’t you afford to get married? Is it because you want a big wedding/expensive ring?

Post # 8
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@MadameX:  that’s great that you have family rings to choose to from. i guess it helps me to focus on the silver lining when i feel dark. but i know that can be really hard/slightly impossible? it sure does sound like you have your head on straight! ((hugs))

Post # 9
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

@dlbaqua:  +1

 

@MadameX:

I’m sorry there’s so much negative stuff going on in your life right now.  I think you and your SO are being wonderfully mature and wise to wait until you’re in a better financial situation.  Maybe you can try to work out your dad-related issues through counseling and learn how to separate that from any engagement anxieties.  Distract yourself by doing well in school and/or job hunting so you can have something lined up when you graduate to help pay expenses and get rid of the student debt.  Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

How old are you? You will get married soon enough. It will give you something to look forward to. Imagine how much easier and more peaceful it will be to plan a wedding with a decent income coming in? Things will fall into place when the time is right, and right now unfortunately that is not the case for either of you. Your life IS in your control because you are making the mature decision to wait until you are more financially stable. If anything it would be out of control if you jumped into getting married when you couldn’t really afford it. As for the situation with your father, you can only do the best that you can on your end. If he doesn’t recognize that, then he will be the one to live with that and it will be his loss. You seem like an intelligent and strong person and I’m sure you can manage emotionally without him if need be. Things will work out for you, don’t worry so much and enjoy life as it is in the present! You will be engaged and married before you know it, time flies by in the blink of an eye! Don’t rush things.

Post # 12
Member
1848 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

It is really never easy to wait for something, especially when one of your reasons for wanting it has to do with your family. I have a similar reason for wanting to get engaged within my timelie.

I really understand where you’re coming from and I know that dark place you speak of. Have you really, really sat him down and spoke to him about it? I mean recently. Men are (I say this lovingly) sometimes boneheads and they don’t understand why we freak out. You’re going to marry him one day – what’s the hurt in expressing yourself to him when you’re stressed?

 

 

Post # 14
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@MadameX:  I feel your pain. My boyfriend and I have been together over five years and I have at least one more month to wait before we get engaged. I won’t lie, it’s been really tough to wait the past two years. . . however, I never doubted that he wanted to eventually marry me and I knew that his reasons for waiting were good (I had just graduated from college and he was studying to become a CPA).

Take a deep breath, think of something cute and relaxing (like puppies or kittens), and just be still for a moment. Think about all the things you have to be thankful for: a loving guy, a home together, almost being done with your education. . . waiting a bit longer for a proposal is tough, but when you think about all the positives in your life it may make it a little easier. Besides, if you wait a bit longer you won’t have to wait so long for the actual wedding to arrive. 🙂

As for your dad, do your best to work through your issues with him even if he won’t cooperate. Counseling can be really helpful for that and you can always switch counselors if the one you start seeing doesn’t help. Having a better grip on your issues with your dad will make your wedding day even better!

Post # 15
Member
598 posts
Busy bee

@MadameX:  I hear you. I am 23 and my SO is 25. I want to get married already, but we are waiting until we have a house first. That could take a while…. but in the long run, a house is more important than paying thousands of dollars on a wedding. Sure it sucks waiting, but that is what happens in life, sometimes you just have to wait. I look around and see people who are getting married while living in an apartment together, and some while still living separately! IMO, that is not something I would like to do. Some people rush into things without thinking of the financial things that need to be addressed before marriage. A lot of divorces are money related anyway! Financial problems are one of the leading causes of divorce! I know the waiting game sucks, in a dream world I’d have a ring on my finger right now and planning a wedding but hey, there are more important things at this point in my life that I need to get together before all that can happen if I want to live comfortably.

Post # 16
Member
31 posts
Newbee

@MadameX:  i ditto your feeling of wanting to get married partially because of stability. my SO are in a ldr after 3 years practically living together. i still have one more of quarter of school left, but won’t be able to get married right after because he’s teaching. before he moved we had been planning on a spring wedding. after a summer/fall full of multiple rockbottoms and depression i’m left terrified and confused. i want to get married so bad bc i know my happy place has always been with him, and bc i feel that if i could move away from here i could finally break away from all that’s been holding me down. but then i keep questioning myself bc we don’t have the money and bc i’ve been feeling extremely depressed and self conscious. if you asked me last year i would’ve told you i that i didn’t even want to think about getting engaged until i’m fully in love with myself and am financially stable. now i’m neither of those, but i feel so desperate to get married. it seems like all all these people are getting engaged left and right. SO and i can’t get engaged until 3 months before we can get married and he keeps promising me, but i feel so antsy.

 

just want to let you know we’re here for you. in the meantime try to distract yourself. come up with a list of positive things in your life (you got into grad school, you appreciate madame x :]) and then whenever a negative thought starts to creep into your head, choose one of those positive things and reflect on that. just try to keep your head up. fate and karma have a funny way of waltzing back into our lives when we need it.

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