Post # 1
I had to make an account here because I literally have no one that I want to talk to about this. I am sick to my stomach over the fact that my marriage is headed down the drain. We were married July, 2011. I would say the biggest issue currently is our infertility. We aren’t able to have children and have a lot of stress related to treatment costs, etc. It doesn’t help that I’ll be 36 this week and feel the time ticking. He has been less than supportive throughout this process which has been heartbreaking to me. He does nothing to help me around the house unless I nag him which I HATE doing. We both work, but I make twice as much money. We own a business so he works 6 days a week. We have our money separate which is a huge insecurity for me. He claims it’s too conplicated to merge the two. I am the one paying for medical insurance, 403B, etc. we wouldn’t have been able to purchase a home if it weren’t for me (in the VERY EXPENSIVE Sf Bay Area). I would be totally screwed if we got divorced. I need someone to love, nurture me, and make me feel safe. Instead I’m vulnerable, heartbroken, and terrified. I don’t feel like he has my back. So, here I am living far from family completely depressed. I love him deeply despite all of these things. I know he loves me too. I’m just afraid things will go too far and I will snap one of these days. I don’t really know what I’m looking for in a response but I just feel like I’m in between a rock and a hard place.
Post # 2
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I rarely talk about this because I was one of the IVF failures and my marriage failed after 22 years.
But the only thing I can say is get into see a counselor. It’s expensive but it’s cheaper than divorce. Also, if you’re up for driving, there’s a highly rated RE in Reno that’s loads cheaper. Lower overhead outside of California. I did 2 cycles in California and 2 in Reno. 2 BFN and one ectopic and one MC. But I’m the exception, check them out.
Post # 3
karen12 : Thank you for your response. I know we need to go to counseling. I’ve made two appointments and cancelled them. Just need to keep them. Will look into Reno. Do you know the particular office?
Post # 4
Have you told him all of this? In a non-confrontational way that he can hear and understand?
Post # 5
Dr Russell Foulk. Great guy, also Dr Witten. Dr Witten treated my ectopic. They also have better than usual coordinators. There’s nothing worse than having a question and not being able to get it answered and fearing that you’re going to blow a $10k cycle if you do something wrong.
Post # 6
ohnoitslindsay : Yes, I’ve tried. He will make small changes for a short period of time and revert back.
Post # 7
Two friends that I made during this IF “journey” both had b/g twins from that office.
Post # 8
Have you looked into adoption instead of spending tons of money on fertility treatments? Im sure the hormones from the treatments arent helping your emotions and stress.
The problems you talked about sound fixable. Maybe put the having kids thing on hold and adopt later and focus on dating each other again and bond again.
I’d give the nagging a rest for now, too, and let some chores slide or get a housekeeper for a little bit. Maybe he will start pitching in of his own volition. I have had trouble with my SO being organized and keeping up with what he needs to do. Not chores, just life stuff, so I would have to keep up with everything. It took a lot of communication, and he would start and stop sometimes, but he has improved a lot. What helped was talking to him and being honest and blunt, and whenever his stress level was better, he was more likely to stick with it. If your husband is stressed, then he might be depressed and apathetic, too, so that needs to be better before trying to get him to stick to having better habits. That doesnt mean you have to stress yourself out, though. Just prioritize what is really important, which should be your marriage, right now.
Post # 9
If you think it’s possible that things may head in that direction it might pay to quietly consult with an attorney so that you might be able to protect yourself in the event that things do work out that way. As much as you want children, I would not pursue IVF or fertility treatment at the present time if the marriage is not on solid ground. I’d also recommend counseling.
Post # 10
I am sorry for your painful dilemma, I know about childlessness too and have had to come to terms with it .
I do just want to say though, that “I need someone to love, nurture me, and make me feel safe.” sounds more more like (apart from the love part) what a child needs from a parent , than an adult woman should need from her husband…Some marriages might work like that of course, but it doesn’t sound like you married the right man for that kind of dependance.
I think having separate finances sounds like it’s to your advantage – why would getting divorced screw you if you earn so much more? Not that I;m wishing divorce on you dear OP, in fact I wish you the best of solutions and hope that counselling can really help.
ETA one thing I would definitely do in your situation right this minute is hire a cleaner/housekeeper for few hours a fortnight and get the damn household chores off your mind or little while at least. You dont have to have exhaustive disussions with him about it , just do it.
Post # 11
elderbee : It’s possible that she feels this need for nurturing and protection only because she’s going through a traumatic event. There are numerous cases of adults in horrific situations who scream for “mommy.” Literally. There are events that make us feel like children again–helpless and terrified–and a natural inclination is to wish for parental safety. OP’s words may indeed suggest a desire for someone other than an “equal partner,” but I’m not sure we can jump to the conclusion that this says something universal about the essence of her marriage.
Regardless, I’m sorry for what’s happening, OP. You said that your husband hasn’t been terribly supportive of the “infertility” (assuming that’s actually what it is, as people are unable to get pregnant for years and then it DOES happen)–has he been super on board about having a child? Is this HIS way of protecting himself emotionally? If it is, then you two definitely need to talk about how you’re feeling about this. Support each other in this pain.
If he’s been less than supportive, however, because he actually doesn’t want a child much–or as much as you do–and he’s just not taking this as hard, then you probably also need to talk…
Post # 12
I disagree that wanting to be nurtured and loved and protected is childlike! I cant believe someone would even say that and imply theres something wrong with you and your “dependance” for craving that. Your husband is supposed to be your biggest supporter and you want him to feel like hes on your side, not working against you and making you feel more alone. Going through a brutal process like IVF especially, of course you want support from him. He sounds like he just plain doesnt know how to give it in the way you need.
So I would just try to have a heart to heart, in the most non-confrontational way you can so it doesnt descend into defensiveness. Not a list of what he is doing wrong, just tell him how you feel. Take the household chore thing off the list of shit to worry about- just hire someone to come every week or every other week for a little while. It sounds like you guys have a lot of love there, its just being put to the test. Im sure you can work through it and be stronger for it. xoxo
Post # 13
Is the infertility the only real issue in your marriage? Or is that just shining a big spotlight on all these other problems as well?
I guess my point is that if you have other issues that need working on in your marriage, having a baby isn’t going to fix them. Just like infertility, it could very likely make them worse. Babies are stressful! I’m not sure why you canceled those 2 therapy appointments but I urge you to reschedule and actually follow through this time.
Post # 14
there are affordable ways for treatment. my son and current pregnancy are our IVF miracles. check out the resolve (the national inferility association) message boards. a lot of people cycle overseas because it is ALOT cheaper. also, look into financial aid. the resolve website will have a lot of information on programs.
but first it sounds like you need to work on your marriage. can you afford to hire a cleaning service once a month? make a counseling appointment and keep it. either go by yourself at first and then as a couple.
Post # 15
catapple : While I agree that is sounds like OP could use some time to work on her marriage before having children, please be mindful of throwing out ‘just adopt’ to someone struggling with infertility. Adoption can be just as or more costly as fertility treatments, can take years and can be a heartbreaking process as well. This after already struggling to conceive it is not the right choice for every family and it is not simple. Just because someone struggles to conceive naturally doesn’t mean they shouldn’t put everything they have into trying to make it happen. Saying just adopt can come across as insensitive to those with infertility.