In a marriage crisis

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
681 posts
Busy bee

MrsLondon :  Acting like adoption is offensive to suggest is really insensitive. It is just as valid an option as any other way to have children. I have a family member who is adopted, and it always pisses me off when people act like adopting is a vulgar suggestion. Suggesting IVF is totally fine, though, even though it’s costly, heartbreaking, etc. 

I also never said “just adopt.” I asked if she had looked into it.

Post # 17
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

catapple :  It absolutely is a valid option and I have several friends and a family member who have grown their family through adoption. It’s beautiful. But it is not the same as having a biological child. It’s not a lesser option by any means, just different. It means not experiencing pregnancy and having a bio child which is a hard thing to give up for someone who has wanted a baby for years. And it’s something that needs to be right for the family. The way your post reads is that adoption is a less expensive and easier route (adopt later, instead of spending money on treatments). 

Post # 18
Member
681 posts
Busy bee

MrsLondon :  My family would disagree that an adopted child is not the same. They see him as their own, even if his mother didnt give birth to him. You say adoption isnt lesser, but that’s not how you are coming across. Next time someone mentions adopting to someone who is infertile, maybe don’t jump down their throat because adoption isn’t offensive.

Post # 19
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

catapple :  of course families with adopted children see them as their own and love them just as much as a biological child. No one is arguing that. But you can’t say that going through the process of adopting a child is the same as going through the process of birthing a child because they each have their own unique set of circumstances. People choose both paths for a wide variety of reasons but Adoption is not a cure for infertility and it is often presented as such to those who struggle with conceiving. Many people don’t realize how hurtful what they say can be and how it invalidates what they are going through. 

Post # 20
Member
681 posts
Busy bee

MrsLondon :  I didn’t say any of that, just like I never said “just adopt.” You’re projecting your own issues on to me. You obviously have some prejudice toward adopting, but that’s a “you” problem, not a “me” problem. I’m out.

Post # 21
Member
26 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

MrsLondon :  I totally agree with you.  As someone who is going through infertility and IVF, I absolutely hate it when peole say, why don’t you just adopt?

Trust me, we’ve thought about it, but we had our reasons for not going through with it for now. People who have the luxury/ability to have their own kids may think it’s an easy decision, but it’s definitely not and I think it’s incredibly insensitive.  I just pretend it’s not and say, well we’ll see. 

MrsLondon :  

Post # 22
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I am typically pro working on a marriage til it hurts but that’s just not the vibe I’m hearing.  Seek (secretly) an attorney and develop an exit strategy.  Also see a counselor to help devevelop both a coping plan and to start working on a new life plan. This one just isn’t working and doesn’t suggest it will improve.

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