Post # 1
My partner and I recently got into a massive fight, in the middle of which he blurted out that he bought me a ring two years ago (we have been together for 5). He said he hasn’t proposed yet because every time he feels confident enough to do it I do something to screw it up (like start a fight). Long story short, I have not been the most pleasant person to be around the past few years coming out of depression caused by a toxic work environment and family issues.
I’ve never been in a particular rush to get married and have been happy to go along at a pace that works for us, and when the time is right it’s right. I’m now really upset that he told me about the ring; it’s meant to be a once-in-a-lifetime thing and now the element of surprise is gone, along with the initial memory of the ring being a very sad one.
He knows I’m upset about it but I haven’t discussed why. I know that if that day comes when he asks it just won’t be the same. Every time I think about talking about it I feel that it’s a very silly thing to be upset about, and it’s probably not fair to say that it won’t be as special. I’m not sure what to do.
I’d love to get some other peoples’ perspectives on this situation. Thanks!
Post # 2
This is a hard situation to deal with because now you know, and you’re going to find yourself going back over the last 2 year timeline thinking about every situation or argument, wondering what you could have done better or if it was your fault.
Please *do not* do that to yourself. If this man has had a ring for 2 years, and hasn’t given it to you, it can only mean one thing [regardless of what anyone says]. And that is, it comes with conditions. And holding it over your head like that is a terrible and mean thing to do. Either he wants to marry you good bad or indifferent or he doesn’t. But to say “hey honey I DID buy you a ring but it’s YOUR fault you don’t have it yet” is PRETTY $HITTY.
Reconsider this relationship, and be kind to yourself, that’s all I can offer atm. Good luck bee <3
Post # 3
Well I do not think him getting a ring so long ago should be thrown in your face. By your own account you have been dealing with issues for the “past few years.” It sounds like you should work on yourself and go to therapy.
Post # 4
I don’t know, he had it two years, but say you screw it up. I think you have bigger problems, then him ruining the surprise of the ring. You know I had a friend and her boyfriend had a ring to give but never did, he didn’t want to marry her and push things at her about something she did. In honestly he didn’t want to marry her. I think maybe you guys need to work on things and talk. I’m not saying this to be mean, but doesn’t sound like he ready. My friends were together for few years to.
Post # 5
Are you seeing someone for your depression?
Also, if he wanted to propose he would have. The “perfect moments” are the ones you make. I’m assuming there is a point that you guys haven’t been fighting in the past two years that he could have asked. I suspect he’s not actually as ready as he thought he was when he bought the ring.
Also if you guys are fighting a lot over the same topics, couples counseling could be in order.
Post # 6
I think you’re being silly. You have man that’s by your side sticking by you through your hard times recently…and he shared the news with you probably accidentally. There’s no reason to be upset about the fact you found out. It’s not even his obligation to ask you because women can be the one to do so too. The moment will be special whether you know the exact time and day or not. You should be happy to hear he has been considering marriage for so long and be happy he put the thought into getting the ring for you. Count your blessings as the saying goes.
However, I agree that you both need to work on your relationship more before considering marriage.
I think it’s more likely that he was waiting for you both to be in a healthy place relationship wise before proposing. It wasn’t faulty of him to not want to propose as a time you’re unstable. As you said, it came out in an arguement in which he was probably frustrated and at his tipping point. I don’t necessarily agree he was holding it over your head. However, it’s hard being a partner to someone with something like depression. The partner seldom gets the recognition for being there that they should. I think he is probably as stressed as you are. If he wanted to hold it over your head, he would of mentioned it many times throughout the two years not once two years down the line…so, yes, I think if you want to repair your relationship then you both really need counseling.
Post # 7
What is he going to do after he proposes and you “screw something up”, take it back??
Marriage is a committment to who you are, not just your perfect side.
I don’t think the issue here is that he told you about the ring. It’s that he doesn’t really grasp what marriage is, and he isn’t ready for it, not to mention he is making it your fault that you’re not engaged yet. This is not okay.
Post # 7
I don’t think your future proposal is ruined. Maybe the element of surprise is slightly “tainted” because you know it’s coming, but will you be less happy or excited when it happens? Will that moment feel less special? I really don’t think it will… I agree with other bees that your partner shouldn’t have thrown a comment like that in your face, but I don’t think he knew what the consequences would be as it was in a heat of the moment during a fight. I also agree that you guys perhaps need to talk about the timeline to make sure you are on the same page. Yes you have been dealing with issues and maybe last couple of years have been tough, BUT it doesn’t mean that he can sit on that ring whilst you are prooving yourself worth it. I know you said you are not in a rush, but it’s always a good idea to ensure your idea of “one day” is similar to your partner’s. Good luck, bee!
Post # 8
On one hand, despite the challenges you’ve described the past few years he is still with you. On the other, he has shared that he’s not yet ready to propose.
It sounds as if neither of you is ready to get married right this minute. You need to keep working on your own issues. He may need to be secure that you are willing to work on these issues and that life isn’t always going to be the way it’s been these past few years. If you’re okay with that–keep working on things together. If you’re not–you have some decisions to make. Either way keep talking to one another.
Post # 9
Nope! Sounds like he’s gaslighting you to me. He’s had a ring for two years and is essentially blaming you for why he hasn’t proposed? NOPE! He’s trying to hold something over your head for “perfect” behavior so when he thinks you’ve been “good” enough he will propose, except that won’t ever happen. If in 2 years he never decided it was time and in (5) years total it’s not happening. It sounds like he’s just trying to give you hope and keep you under his thumb. Been there, never doing it again.
Post # 10
I think you have more important things to worry about than knowing about the ring. In my opinion, this conversation is a sign that you need to get help for your depression.
I would start by finding a therapist who can help you work through your issues, and get back on an even keel. Once that’s well underway, I think the two of you should consider couple’s therapy. However, you need to fix you before you can work on the relationship. Since he hasn’t given up yet, I think you can work through everything successfully.
Post # 11
IMO, he’s being manipative to tell you about the ring. He’s making it your fault & because of “YOU”, you haven’t received your ring. What now? are you to walk around on eggshells because, he has a ring? Girl, run & don’t look back. He needs to man up. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man that would make you feel guilty about your feelings? Take some time to yourself and see if he is truly the best man for you. Good Luck
Post # 12
Totally agree, this is unfair. There are two people in a relationship and both are meant to be equal. Who does this guy think he is, stringing someone along like that? Witholding a ring/proposal because she has had depression and difficult times with work and family is really cruel. When you love someone these things don’t matter, there are no dealbreakers. Life can be hard and the person you marry must want to be with you in good times and bad. People aren’t perfect and you either love them and want to commit to them, or you should end it…not hold them to some unattainable standard of perfection.
Post # 13
“he’s being manipative
” There it is right there folks, black and white. That’s exactly what he’s doing to the OP.