- 10 years ago
Regular poster gone anon. I’m sorry to post this here, but I have no one to talk to and I need some outside advice.
My husband and I met and started dating about 1 year ago. About 1 month after that he decided to change his degree program from PhD to Masters and was scheduled to graduate in August. He is an immigrant and was studying on student visa. To stay in the US, he started trying to convince me to marry him and that things between us too good to lose. I got wrapped up in the whirlwind romance and the honeymoon period and agree to marry him in August.
For the past several months, things have been terrible between my husband and I. We fight and argue all the time. I feel really angry with him about some things that have happened between us and I feel like it was a mistake to get married, or at least rush things. I don’t feel like myself anymore; I feel sad all the time, I hate being at home when he’s there (pretty much all the time because he’s unemployed). He also has a really negative impression of me and says things that show that he really doesn’t know me or the kind of person I really am. We’ve recently tried to work on this, but everytime we have any minor disagreement or mistake, he blows it out of proportion into a huge deal that nothing has improved in our marriage, this whole thing was a mistake, blah blah blah.
Last night, we had a big fight over something stupid. I was legitimitely angry with him over something he did and I told him that. To avoid getting into a fight, I tried to cool off by keeping to myself at home in the evening. He got very angry that I wasn’t talking to him or apologizing to him for being upset. So then he started a huge fight, as usual, about how everything is horrible between us and I’m a bad person and nothing will ever improve. Honestly, no one is perfect and minor problems are a part of life, so I don’t understand why he makes everything a huge deal, it’s emotionally exhausting to deal with that. Anyway, during our fight last night, I told him that he should just leave and we should start the process of ending the marriage because we’re just making each other miserable. He doesn’t want to do that and refuses to move out because he doesn’t want to give up on his career and his goal of being in the US. He told me that he will do X, Y, and Z for me, but I should just let him stay here to get his green card.
When we got married, I filed the green card petition for him with my mom and myself as his financial sponsors. I also paid all of the filing fees. The interview for conditional approval is next week. Based on his comments last night, I feel like he is only staying with me because he wants a green card. I don’t know what to do. If I withdraw my support for his petition, his green card will be denied and he’ll be deported. If I continue with the application and go to the interview, he will get his conditional (and very likely his permanent) green card even if we divorce. Also, my mom and I will be 100% on the hook for his financial support for up to 10 years, regardless of divorce.
I can’t figure out what to do. I still want to work on things with my husband, I don’t want to give up on marriage in less than a year, even if we never should have gotten married in the first place. I feel embarrassed to tell friends and family, who cautioned me against marrying so quickly, that the whole thing was a mistake. I want to restore a loving relationnship with my husband and work past our issues. Realistically, I realize that saving our marriage is unlikely at this point and it’s probable that we’d end up getting a divorce down the line because we just don’t get along. I’m worried about the legal and financial implications of my husband’s green card. I also feel like since he’s only staying with me for a green card, why should I keep strugling with this when he’s using me and there’s nothing in it for me.
So basically, I am totally confused right now and feel torn about what to do. I only have a week to decide to save my marriage or not. Any outside advice, perspective, and interpretation will be greatly appreciated.