Post # 1
I’m a regular bee going anonymous. I still want to have joy for my upcoming wedding which is only a few months away, but I’m finding that more and more difficult each day. Today some colleagues asked me about the wedding and I could feel myself faking the happiness and excitement. Part of it is me; I have major depression and anxiety which certainly has not helped with the overwhelming nature of planning a wedding. The other side of it is my Fiance.
We have been together 3 years. However, it’s only in the past 8 months (since we got engaged really) that I’ve begun to realize the depth of some of his problems. For starters, he has a serious drinking problem. He isn’t an alcoholic or at least I don’t want to use that word. But he cannot control his drinking. It’s normal for him to drink everyday after work or have two scotches at lunch and then roll that into after work drinks and then come home and pass out. When we are out with our friends he is always the one saying let’s buy another round or the one buying shots when no one even wants them (we are in our 30s). The problem even happens when we stay in and make dinner at home. The other night we made dinner and binge watched a show on Netflix. I didn’t want to drink since I’m trying to lose weight for the wedding. But Fiance had “had a rough day at work” so he wanted to have a drink. Normally we’d split a bottle of wine. But since I wasn’t drinking he decided to open up a new flavored liquor my mom had given us a while back. He had one glass. I didn’t mind. Then another. Then at some point he must have refilled the glass again. Next thing I know I go into the kitchen and the bottle is empty. An entire 750ml bottle over the course of 3 hours. That’s when I look at the label. It’s freaking 70 proof. I erupt at him and he doesn’t seem concerned. He’s too drunk to care but still functioning. He’s says he’s sorry. Over and over again. Like a little kid. And that’s how he always reacts when I confront him. He crumples and keeps repeating that he’s sorry. Or he shuts down and stonewalls.
And this is not the first time I’ve confronted him about this. It keeps happening. It happened after our friends’ wedding when he got so sloshed because he had convinced the bartenders, who weren’t allowed to pour shots per the venues rules, to give him a double Jameson on the rocks since that’s not technically a shot. He did this with both bartenders without the other knowing. When I told him he had had enough, he picked up the nearest drink, a random drink that wasn’t even his, and downed it. Like a kid being defiant. I couldn’t believe it.
Tonight I came home to find him passed out at 9pm. I wake him up and ask if he had been drinking. He says no he just got dinner with a friend. I press him. Then he admits he had a drink. I ask just one? Then he says maybe 2 or 3 “what’s the big deal?”. He is visibly drunk. And no, it wouldn’t be a big deal if this were just tonight but it’s practically every night. I worry because he has injured himself in the past while drunk. He badly twisted his ankle once getting up from a barstool of all things. And it’s not unusual for him to have unexplainable bruises.
Compounding the drinking problem is he has some serious health problems that he’s not addressing. A heart condition, the beginnings of cirrhosis on his liver, and severe sleep apnea. I recently found all of this out plus that he is supposed to see his cardiologist every six months after his parents cornered me out of desperation to get him to go to the doctor. He hasn’t been in 4 years. His parents live across the country so we don’t see them that often. They told me all of this a few month ago. Fiance always talks about how nagging and annoying they are, which they certainly have their moments, but here are these parents desperately pleading with me to make sure their son takes care of himself. Begging me to convince him to follow-up on his medical appointments. So now I’ve supplanted them in this nagging role. After weeks of nagging him to take action I finally had to take his insurance card and make the appointment for him myself. And then put it in his calendar with a reminder. Like he’s a child. He just doesn’t seem to care about himself or his health. He never exercises. He just loves to eat out, watch TV, and drink with his friends.
And I realize now that all the anxiety I’ve had about the wedding, which invitation to order or which florist to pick, etc., has all been misdirected anxiety about marrying him. How can I start a life with someone who can’t even take care of himself? How can I have children with this man? We live in a city where we don’t need a car but we plan on moving out to the suburbs one day. Instead of happy thoughts about picket fences, my first thought is how long before he gets a DUI? How long before he has a heart attack? I know it’s normal to have problems before getting married but I never expected this. Or I refused to see it. But now as the wedding approaches I have this dreadful feeling. I’ve talked with a therapist about this but he told me that everyone has problems and that at least I know what FI’s are up front and that I should be thankful it’s not worse. But is this it? Is this what I can expect out of life? I’m just feeling very lost. And fearful of fully telling friends and family what is going on.
Post # 2
Don’t marry a drunk.
That’s it. That’s all. Don’t marry a drunk.
End the relationship ASAP. Your worries will become your reality if you don’t.
ETA: your therapist shouldn’t have a license. End your relationship with him, too.
Post # 3
i cant believe your therapist told you that!
Lots of future brides are getting married and have been in long term relationships and we know what our partners problems are. The thing is you need to know is can you LIVE with these problems?
E.g My partner can be very moody. This is a big issue for us. But i can LIVE with this because i can also be very moody. I know he works so hard as well so the pressure doesnt help.
iF he was drunk everything different story. but i am not one to drink.
You need to decide if you can LIVE with your future partners problems.
For me if they gamble, are a drunk, cheat, theif, liar or take drugs then its out the door.
Post # 4
whitebridetobee : sorry about the spelling mistakes! typed this very quickly!
Post # 5
anonmenon : sorry to read you are going through this. Please really think about following through with actually getting married. If you love him remember to love your self first. Get him help cause you don’t want to put your self in a bad situation. He definitely sounds like a alcoholic or getting to that point. From experience (my dad was one) it’s not fun. The arguing and fighting is so bad and toxic it’s just not worth it. It’s sad but you could run into many problems if he doesn’t change his bad habits. PLEASE if needed side message me if you want to chat. I’m here if needed.
Post # 6
What makes you think he’s not an alcoholic? He certainly shows every imaginable indicator. He’s already progressed to cirrhosis of the liver? Is that not a symptom of end stage alcoholism? If you are convinced that you want to try to have some kind of a relationship with this guy, your best course of action would be to get to al anon.
You cannot fix his alcoholism. At least get yourself some support in al anon. Your future looks very bleak with this guy.
Post # 7
whitebridetobee : I agree same here. Certain things can’t be tolerated and certain habits can’t be changed. The person has to want to change themselves
Post # 8
Where does he work that he can drink at lunchtime? That sounds very dangerous
Post # 9
I’m sorry, but he is an alcoholic and the first step is admitting it. Stop giving yourself excuses for his behavior. The facts that you stated point to a clear ALCOHOLIC sign: he can’t control his drinking, he drinks until he passes out, it’s a frequent ocurrence, he doesn’t admit he has a problem… The signs are there. The easy way out for you is to end it and move on and no one would blame you.
The hard way if you choose is to stick around and help him. Talk with his family and friends and organize an intervention. But please postpone the wedding until he gets help.
I know from experience that if he loves you and he values his life, he’ll make the effort. My SO has had drinking problems, and he hasn’t touched alcohol in two years. Things have improved drastically ever since. We realized that many of our fights were related to times when we were drinking, his health issues have been mainly caused by alcohol, and we’re also saving up so much money that would otherwise turn to piss in the morning. Will he slip off the wagon? Maybe, but does he have the strength to get back on? Absolutely, as well as my full support. Yes it’s tough, but we love each other and we’re together. Does it get easier? He says it’s the same battle everyday, but I believe that the longer he goes without drinking, the easier it is to keep his mind off it. The key point is that he WANTS to be healthy. Before he CHOSE to get better, there was nothing anyone could do for him.
If your SO doesn’t want help and there’s no way of getting him to reach out, then just go. Leave him and be healthy. He will ruin your life if he doesn’t control his alcoholism.
Post # 10
“But he cannot control his drinking” – then he’s an alcoholic.
To me the 3 A’s are deal breakers: Adultery, Abuse, Addiction, and it’s very close to being an addiction.
I’m very sorry you’re in this position (((hugs))).
Post # 11
anonmenon : he is an alcoholic whether he admits it or not. Please don’t marry someone who has an addiction and hasn’t actually acknowledged or done anything about it.
Be very careful who you choose to attach your cart to and have kids with. If it was me I would walk away now.
I would also say goodbye to your therapist….yikes!!!
Post # 12
I second the AL Anon rec! Also have you considered couples counseling? I say this only if you want to stick with him. Which you don’t have to. No one will judge you if you walk away.
Post # 13
anonmenon : wow. Well it def sounds like he has a drinking problem, that is to say that he’s an alcoholic
how long has he had a drinking problem ? Is this recent or long standing?
is his cirrhosis related to his drinking ?
also what r his other “problems” you’ve noticed?
Post # 14
Thank you for all the words of support. I know I should go to al-anon or something like that. I think it’s just the realization of it all that’s hitting me right now.
waiting2bee : I don’t know if the cirrhosis is drinking related. Supposedly he had that diagnosed years ago (he’s only 32) and might be related to his heart condition or genetic. He’s been a heavy drinker since college according to his parents and friends who have known him longer. Other problems are he’s totally out of shape. He never works out or seems to care about his health. And he is extremely needy. Like I’m going on a biz trip in a few weeks for a week and he’s worried about what he’ll do while I’m gone. He broke down crying about how much he’s going to miss me. I’m gone for a friggin week! It’s sweet in a way but also disconcerting. He has separation anxiety like a puppy.
MrsKing212 : Finance. It’s a very toxic culture. He hates his job.
msfrost89 : I know you’re right. I think I have hope that he wants to change. He says he does. And he has gone days where he doesn’t drink and is very proud of himself. Even reports back to me about how good he’s been. But then he slips. He needs professional help. How did your SO overcome drinking?
pink624 : thank you! That means a lot to me 🙂
Rhopalocera : whitebridetobee : thank you! Yeah I’m phasing out this therapist. Unfortunately I’m on crappy insurance and need him to write my meds scripts.
Post # 15
anonmenon : Sorry about your relationship issues. It certainly sounds like he’s not the best choice for marriage. Drinking can be a life long struggle. His drinking and health problems will become your problems if you marry him.
There’s no way he can resolve years of drinking in a few months. You should consider post-poning the wedding. Let him know you love him, but you can’t marry someone with a drinking problem.