(Closed) In a very dark place

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2258 posts
Buzzing bee

Don’t marry a drunk.

That’s it. That’s all. Don’t marry a drunk. 

End the relationship ASAP. Your worries will become your reality if you don’t.

ETA: your therapist shouldn’t have a license. End your relationship with him, too. 

Post # 3
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

i cant believe your therapist told you that!

Lots of future brides are getting married and have been in long term relationships and we know what our partners problems are. The thing is you need to know is can you LIVE with these problems?

E.g My partner can be very moody. This is a big issue for us. But i can LIVE with this because i can also be very moody. I know he works so hard as well so the pressure doesnt help.

iF he was drunk everything different story. but i am not one to drink.

You need to decide if you can LIVE with your future partners problems.

For me if they gamble, are a drunk, cheat, theif, liar or take drugs then its out the door.

Post # 5
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

anonmenon :  sorry to read you are going through this. Please really think about following through with actually getting married. If you love him remember to love your self first. Get him help cause you don’t want to put your self in a bad situation. He definitely sounds like a alcoholic or getting to that point. From experience (my dad was one) it’s not fun. The arguing and fighting is so bad and toxic it’s just not worth it. It’s sad but you could run into many problems if he doesn’t change his bad habits. PLEASE if needed side message me if you want to chat. I’m here if needed. 

Post # 6
Member
10594 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

anonmenon :  

What makes you think he’s not an alcoholic?  He certainly shows every imaginable indicator.  He’s already progressed to cirrhosis of the liver?  Is that not a symptom of end stage alcoholism? If you are convinced that you want to try to have some kind of a relationship with this guy, your best course of action would be to get to al anon.  

You cannot fix his alcoholism.  At least get yourself some support in al anon.  Your future looks very bleak with this guy.

Post # 7
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

whitebridetobee :  I agree same here. Certain things can’t be tolerated and certain habits can’t be changed. The person has to want to change themselves 

Post # 8
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

 Where does he work that he can drink at lunchtime? That sounds very dangerous 

Post # 9
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

I’m sorry, but he is an alcoholic and the first step is admitting it. Stop giving yourself excuses for his behavior. The facts that you stated point to a clear ALCOHOLIC sign: he can’t control his drinking, he drinks until he passes out, it’s a frequent ocurrence, he doesn’t admit he has a problem… The signs are there. The easy way out for you is to end it and move on and no one would blame you. 

The hard way if you choose is to stick around and help him. Talk with his family and friends and organize an intervention. But please postpone the wedding until he gets help. 

I know from experience that if he loves you and he values his life, he’ll make the effort. My SO has had drinking problems, and he hasn’t touched alcohol in two years. Things have improved drastically ever since. We realized that many of our fights were related to times when we were drinking, his health issues have been mainly caused by alcohol, and we’re also saving up so much money that would otherwise turn to piss in the morning. Will he slip off the wagon? Maybe, but does he have the strength to get back on? Absolutely, as well as my full support. Yes it’s tough, but we love each other and we’re together. Does it get easier? He says it’s the same battle everyday, but I believe that the longer he goes without drinking, the easier it is to keep his mind off it. The key point is that he WANTS to be healthy. Before he CHOSE to get better, there was nothing anyone could do for him. 

If your SO doesn’t want help and there’s no way of getting him to reach out, then just go. Leave him and be healthy. He will ruin your life if he doesn’t control his alcoholism.

Post # 10
Member
7644 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

But he cannot control his drinking” – then he’s an alcoholic.

To me the 3 A’s are deal breakers: Adultery, Abuse, Addiction, and it’s very close to being an addiction.

I’m very sorry you’re in this position (((hugs))).

Post # 11
Member
4525 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

anonmenon :  he is an alcoholic whether he admits it or not. Please don’t marry someone who has an addiction and hasn’t actually acknowledged or done anything about it.

Be very careful who you choose to attach your cart to and have kids with. If it was me I would walk away now.

I would also say goodbye to your therapist….yikes!!!

Post # 12
Member
711 posts
Busy bee

I second the AL Anon rec! Also have you considered couples counseling? I say this only if you want to stick with him. Which you don’t have to. No one will judge you if you walk away. 

Post # 13
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

anonmenon :  wow. Well it def sounds like he has a drinking problem, that is to say that he’s an alcoholic

 

how long has he had a drinking problem ?  Is this recent or long standing?

is his cirrhosis related to his drinking ?

also what r his other “problems” you’ve noticed?

Post # 15
Member
745 posts
Busy bee

anonmenon :  Sorry about your relationship issues. It certainly sounds like he’s not the best choice for marriage. Drinking can be a life long struggle. His drinking and health problems will become your problems if you marry him. 

There’s no way he can resolve years of drinking in a few months. You should consider post-poning the wedding. Let him know you love him, but you can’t marry someone with a drinking problem.

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